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17/12/2021

Protection takes a lot of forms! A mask during a global panny 😷, social distancing, hand sanitizer, a vaccine, a plan of solitude, a boundary with loved ones or yourself advocating for your needs, saying NO, communicating your comfort or discomfort, teaching others about yours/learning how others needs can be met, staying home, surrounding yourself with people who feel comfortable, leaning into grief, leaning into therapeutic support, navigating consistency of nourishment, maintaining sobriety, monitoring behaviors that are lower risk or using a harm reduction or prevention plan, focusing on self care. This is not an exhaustive list of how to create protection or safety, but may be a place to start to consider: when do I feel safe in my mind? In my body? In my Self? There’s a lot happening these days, so be kind and gentle as you’re curious. Have the holiday season, you’re going to have. 🤍

09/12/2021

Dear body, thank you for showing me how to heal. Dear body, thank you for teaching me to trust again. Dear body, I am in awe of your power.
Reaching pregnant after a lifetime of being told this was never going to be my story feels surreal. Reaching this amazing milestone after an is a blessing. Reaching “full term” after a loss has been quite a journey, full of grief, sadness, joy, anxiety, gratitude, frustration and complexity. What feels like the ultimate lesson in surrender as we await our rainbow girl to come earth side. 🤍✨

02/12/2021

Happy 4th birthday to our sweet fur baby Higgins! We can’t wait to watch you & Ava grow up together & for you to smoother her in your kisses! 🖤🐾🎂

14/11/2021

What’s your birth plan? What kind of delivery do you want? What are you planning on for delivery?
At these are the most common questions I’m getting right now, but tbh, I’ve been asked since we announced we’re expecting. These questions are well intended, curious and nothing is inherently wrong with them. What’s “wrong” is the way the mind attaches to the answer— one thing I’ve learned in these 8 months (but really my whole life) is nothing goes exactly to plan. In Kenya, I lived with have a VERRRYYYY flexible, almost nonexistent plan, and trust in how things went. With this pregnancy, I’m challenged daily to trust, and so I’m borrowing the wise words of my younger self: be flexible, choose it and let it go. Im framing my mind to respond to the above questions as: my birth preference is…. This allows for flexibility, it allows for hopes for the birth, and informed choices/preferences believed in. It allows my mind to shape towards making decisions for literally, someone inside and outside of myself. It removes the patriarchal/medical constructs that women’s bodies are only designed for birth, and that there is a rubric for achieving a “perfect or competitive birth experience.” Meaning one way is better than another. As I explore what a birth experience can be, I keep seeing and hearing of women whose natural births, or experiences fell short of their perceived ideas of “successful” whether that be by their own voice or external voices, which led to feelings of failure and shame. Both of which can influence bonding, postpartum anxiety/depression— I am NOT here for that. I AM here to embrace the fact that our bodies are unique. They have their own innate capabilities and restrictions, and know how facilitate this process. The body needs to be celebrated for moving through the process of pregnancy and birth— however it happens.
🤍 So my birth preference is this: have a baby that arrives with full breath earth side.
More on this in part 2! 💕

31/10/2021

Happy Howloweeeen from our little pumpkin & spooky scary skeleton pupper!!
🎃💛👻🐾💀
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25/10/2021

I know y’all love fall…. But I could really skip the Michigan rainy, cold, damp season and skip to the good part!!! I’m kinda sorta ready for Christmas!! 🎄❤️🥂
This picture was taken last year. It was our first Christmas married (10th one together). We tried our best to do it big… ya know 2020… but also because my body was healing from an I was experiencing postpartum symptoms all while my body was registering an escalating HCG level. Did you know those two opposing things can happen at the same time? Did you know after a your body takes a while to heal? I felt so naive. I felt embarrassed my body was confused, conflicted, and that I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
Here’s some of what I learned:
- Pregnancy no matter the duration is a complex change to EVERY single system in your body.
- Human bodies do everything possible to create an environment of homeostasis.
- A menstrual cycle is the body preparing to create life.
- A consistent reminder of what can be, what may be, and what may never be.
- Medical professionals in my teens and twenties, hell my freaking thirties were WRONG.
- My life was a narrative of “I will never carry a child.”
- I carried a child.
- I lost a child.
- Aaron & I became parents in 2020, we also became a statistic: 1 in 4.
- My body (with medical intervention) was a womb and a tomb. My body fought to keep me alive. It still fights every day.
- Those living with can get pregnant. May lose the pregnancy, may carry to term. Pregnancy disrupts the symptoms, but is not a cure.
- During pregnancy with endometriosis, the baby’s cells mix with the mothers, and the fetus stem cells go to places with endo and repair it (!?!) so my first baby helped my body heal. My second baby is doing the same in more ways than 1.
- Pregnancy after loss loses its naivety, it’s shimmer, it’s blissfulness because it follows a grieving.
- is beautifully messy and today, with all the BIG feels, I am showing up with curiousity for what’s to come. Will this year be first Christmas with a earth side baby? 🌟

To be contd:

17/10/2021

I like traditions that are easy and low key! In 2019, we did a shrimp boil for my birthday, insert 2020 (enough said) and this year we did a 2nd annual smaller repeat version!! Full of laughs, full of all the things orange for the baby- thanks mom & dad— and ending as it began with a clean kitchen!! 🍊🍤🎃💛

15/10/2021

Throughout IVF, IUI, TFMR, ectopic miscarriage, miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, infant loss, infertility or countless other situations, a main symptom that can happen for the expectant after these experiences is anxiety. A pregnancy after loss is rich with grief, and after my ectopic miscarriage, this pregnancy has brought anxiety, fear and foreboding joy, brief windows of elation with the duality of sadness. When people ask me how this pregnancy’s going, I’m trying to answer authentically and honestly. I’m anxious. I’m afraid. As she grows, so does my fear. I’m hopeful and cautious to meet her earth side. Along with a variety of other answers. Raw honesty is socially awkward, and so often my answers are met with discomfort and a quick platitude to quickly shift because of the persons own discomfort. So here’s my friendly reminder: it is not your job to “fix” the uncomfortable emotions, nor is a “well intended” platitude that sounds like: just think positive, everything happens for a reason, at least you know you can get pregnant…. Needed.
What IS needed, is to show support by bearing witness to the truth. Sitting with someone in discomfort is to truly see them. Witness this grief without trying to rush it or change it or force it to becoming something other than it is, let’s get comfortable with sitting awkwardly with the reality of this experience! Don’t know what to say— say that! By shifting away from the discomfort there’s a lost opportunity for connection. Those who have bravely sat with me, have allowed for me to connect with their loss, or one of the 1 in 4 they know whose part of this club of grief. A reality I had never heard of shared until I spoke out about our heaven baby. It’s allowed the conversation to turn from discomfort to compassionate comfort. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, and from those 20% of folx experience PTSD/trauma. Silence and awkwardness are the places shame, guilt and isolation fester. I’m not participating in that cycle, no matter whom I’m talking with. (But if it’s a stranger— phew, better believe I’ve left a trail of sassy spicy truth bombs out in the world). Let’s change the narrative.

More in comments!

14/10/2021

Cheers to 35 years young! This circle around the sun is going to be such a wild ride!! 🤰🏽☕️🤍 And in anticipation of the sleepless nights and to sprinkle your day with as much joy as I can— I’m sending out free coffee vibes at your local ✨Just show this barcode to the barista to get your coffee or treat today on me! (While it lasts!) Tag me in your story or post!! Tag a mama in need of a pick me up! Tag a healthcare worker! Tag a teacher! Tag a stranger!! Kindness is free, so let’s throw it around today like confetti!! 🌈💗🎉

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Throughout IVF, IUI, TFMR, ectopic miscarriage, miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, infant loss, infertility or countless other situations, a main symptom that can happen for the expectant after these experiences is anxiety. A pregnancy after loss is rich with grief, and after my ectopic miscarriage, this pregnancy has brought anxiety, fear and foreboding joy, brief windows of elation with the duality of sadness. When people ask me how this pregnancy’s going, I’m trying to answer authentically and honestly. I’m anxious. I’m afraid. As she grows, so does my fear. I’m hopeful and cautious to meet her earth side. Along with a variety of other answers. Raw honesty is socially awkward, and so often my answers are met with discomfort and a quick platitude to quickly shift because of the persons own discomfort. So here’s my friendly reminder: it is not your job to “fix” the uncomfortable emotions, nor is a “well intended” platitude that sounds like: just think positive, everything happens for a reason, at least you know you can get pregnant…. Needed. . . . What IS needed, is to show support by bearing witness to the truth. Sitting with someone in discomfort is to truly see them. Witness this grief without trying to rush it or change it or force it to becoming something other than it is, let’s get comfortable with sitting awkwardly with the reality of this experience! Don’t know what to say— say that! By shifting away from the discomfort there’s a lost opportunity for connection. Those who have bravely sat with me, have allowed for me to connect with their loss, or one of the 1 in 4 they know whose part of this club of grief. A reality I had never heard of shared until I spoke out about our heaven baby. It’s allowed the conversation to turn from discomfort to compassionate comfort. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, and from those 20% of folx experience PTSD/trauma. Silence and awkwardness are the places shame, guilt and isolation fester. I’m no

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