Throughout IVF, IUI, TFMR, ectopic miscarriage, miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, infant loss, infertility or countless other situations, a main symptom that can happen for the expectant after these experiences is anxiety. A pregnancy after loss is rich with grief, and after my ectopic miscarriage, this pregnancy has brought anxiety, fear and foreboding joy, brief windows of elation with the duality of sadness. When people ask me how this pregnancyās going, Iām trying to answer authentically and honestly. Iām anxious. Iām afraid. As she grows, so does my fear. Iām hopeful and cautious to meet her earth side. Along with a variety of other answers. Raw honesty is socially awkward, and so often my answers are met with discomfort and a quick platitude to quickly shift because of the persons own discomfort. So hereās my friendly reminder: it is not your job to āfixā the uncomfortable emotions, nor is a āwell intendedā platitude that sounds like: just think positive, everything happens for a reason, at least you know you can get pregnantā¦. Needed.
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What IS needed, is to show support by bearing witness to the truth. Sitting with someone in discomfort is to truly see them. Witness this grief without trying to rush it or change it or force it to becoming something other than it is, letās get comfortable with sitting awkwardly with the reality of this experience! Donāt know what to sayā say that! By shifting away from the discomfort thereās a lost opportunity for connection. Those who have bravely sat with me, have allowed for me to connect with their loss, or one of the 1 in 4 they know whose part of this club of grief. A reality I had never heard of shared until I spoke out about our heaven baby. Itās allowed the conversation to turn from discomfort to compassionate comfort. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, and from those 20% of folx experience PTSD/trauma. Silence and awkwardness are the places shame, guilt and isolation fester. Iām no