02/12/2021
Shout out to who wrote this mantra on a comment section of my last post. It’s a keeper.
For a long time I argued for my own limitations. I grew up in a home with depression-era parents who (through conditioning) talked little of dreams, prosperity, or personal empowerment. This is what happens when people live long term in survival mode. My self worth was low + it’s no coincidence that I became a psychologist. I’m the classic case of the wounded healer. Unconsciously, I wanted to rescue people. To help them. I saw people as I saw myself: limited.
I had dynamics of codependency, where I believed I was responsible for people’s emotions. I was always hypervigilant: did I make someone bad? Did I seem rude? Can I say that? Is it ok to not want to spend a holiday the way my partner wants to? Can I say no to that event just because I don’t feel inspired to go? Never was I attuned to myself + my own inner knowing. Of course, much of this behavior was actually quite selfish (making sure everyone was ok so I COULD FEEL OK). It’s control, but I believed it was selfless. When my partner would hold me accountable or tell me a truth that offered a different narrative than the excuses I had for my myself, I would become furious. I can’t tell you how many times I stormed off. And she’d just be waiting for me to complete my tantrum. She saw the truth of who I was, not the avatar of who I was being.
The thing about that is, people don’t want to be rescued. Or spoken for. They want to be seen. Heard. Cherished for their unique gifts. They want to have someone who sees them as fully capable, even when they do not. They want a person who believes in them + the unbelievable potential that lies within every one of us. Even when they resist it, or have yet to fully claim it.
The deeper I go onto my own healing journey, the deeper I meet myself. I still have tons of self doubt, fear, all of it. But I know I can do difficult things. I continue to show up. I make mistakes + keep coming back. I’m learning to trust myself. I’m learning I AM MY ONE + ONLY RESPONSIBILITY
