21/12/2022
1.)
I had a special love once. Like me, he was a swiss-army-knife, we were complements and comrades.
2008. He had been sporadically dating a friend of mine for a couple of weeks. She and I were sat together in a pub in Brighton when he made an entrance. He was dressed as a cowboy, dancing, finger -pointing, all guns blazing, a bandana up to the eyeballs. I looked at my friend and said, "he's too mad for you!"
We clocked each other across the bar, he looked deep into my eyes, mine into his, into those deep brown eyes I could drown in. We knew, we were bonded.
He wooed me with thick Spanish hot chocolate from the cafe round the corner and within three days we were in love.
It's just been the four-year anniversary this month. He'd had cancer for a couple of years- parts of his last few months were wretched. Of course, we still had some fun days, he was a brave, fun-loving man, we loved each other to bits and knew time was short.
We were close, it made us closer.
Then, those dreadful days you'll never forget, try as you might. The one where they said there was nothing left they could do. Then that one...the one where they said, "it's days".
Then, time's up.
He died so handsome.
Even knowing what I know now, grief still strikes, only occasionally, now, though. The 'what-ifs', 'the coulda, woulda, shouldas', the sad surge of hot tears. I ask him to come. Pleeease, honeybun. Don't let me doubt.
I close my eyes again and take deep breaths.
"I'm here", he whispers.
He's vivid in my mind's eye. Then he's a shimmering outline (*a bit like predator...he adds- he loves that film), with a glowing centre.
He's instantly in our special cuddling position, face to face, then he steps in and merges. We are connected. My heart palpitates, it starts fast but then it also becomes loud and heavy, thumping, thumping, and I catch my breath.
There's two hearts there!
It's powerful. The energy rises in my chest, my heart is fit to burst.
He steps away, it subsides.
"See, I'm here", he soothes.
I understand everything is in it's place, but that first year, I was numb drunk, my broken heart and impulses almost getting the better of me once or twice. Then, anger became the stubborn understain that held me together. Now, listening to- and sharing- these lessons honours him in the best way possible. It's remembering what he taught me- the most important thing there is, love.
I close my eyes and remember- yes, we were so close, and then, remember; we still are.
