27/06/2023
Surviving a narcissist:
“A narcissist is never going to let you live freely; not really. They will seek to give you the daily illusion that you are free, but will never bestow upon you, freedom itself. They will mock you when you speak up. They will turn the tables on you when they inflict pain, to the point of driving you to the brink of yourself; to the edge of sheer madness and confusion. They will have you doubting yourself at every turn, and turning over your self worth to them, like some sort of keepsake for them to hold onto for safe keeping, until you are ready to find it again. Then you will stand there and watch, as they shatter it; as they smash the most precious and innocent and inherently worthy parts of you, to smithereens. And the worst part is, that they will blame you for it, and you will take that blame right in. You will welcome it into your soul, like an unwanted house guest, who simply won’t leave. They will emulate human emotion in order to manipulate you, as they watch it chip away at the very essence of who you are; as it strips away your fragile sense of self, and they will do nothing. They will say nothing to attempt to make it better, or to masquerade themselves as someone or something other than what they are. They know that once you are in that deep; too deep, that they don’t have to hide anymore; they don’t have to pretend anymore. They can rip you to shreds in the light of day, without even thinking twice about it, because they know that your trauma bond, has become stronger and louder than the sound of your own voice; than your inner knowing. But what happens, if we decide to turn the tables on them? What happens when we remember who the f**k we are, and decide to beat them at their own game? What happens when we choose to heal, and mend our broken, shattered sense of self? What happens, when we rediscover the power of our own light, and the depth of our true worth? What comes next? Oh Little one, what comes next is truly amazing. You find yourself again. Somewhere along the line, years after I had chosen to embark on a path of healing; years after I had begun my journey and had done an immense amount of therapy to untether myself from this narcissist, both emotionally and physically, he started hating the therapy. At first it didn’t bother him so much, but after a while, he realized that he was losing his grip and his power over me. His choke hold was loosening, because I was refusing to remain trapped inside of it. It wasn’t therapy itself that he hated. He hated what therapy was doing FOR me, and what it was doing TO him. For over a decade, he had overpowered me in every way humanly possible, and now his reign of terror was over. It was as if he had this sick twisted gift, of being able to shoot fire from his hands, and my therapy kept his hands under water; unable to ignite. He lost his ability to exert control over me, and that causes the narcissist to feel completely out of control. The most dangerous time in a toxic relationship like that, is when the victim seeks help. But you know what? Pretty soon you begin to realize that you’re no longer a victim; you are a survivor. You know that you’re a survivor, when you aren’t emotionally attached to the narcissist anymore; when your trauma bond is finally broken. You know that you’re a survivor, when you are able to set emotional and physical boundaries in the relationship, that keep you safe. Not every person is financially able to completely break free from the narcissist, for a long time. Some of us still have miles to go, and complicated situations, that force us to have to continue living with the narcissist; but that doesn’t have to keep us from shifting and growing; from changing from a SURVIVOR, into a THRIVER. We are fully capable of thriving, in less than perfect living conditions. The long term plan must always be, to find and create a self sustaining life, so that we may break completely free from the narcissist. But don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t set the type of boundaries around yourself, that can enable you to truly thrive right here, right now. If I can do it, then you can too. I am a THRIVER, who is married to a NARCISSIST. And while it is NOT an ideal situation for me, it is NOT PERMANENT. I won’t let it be. I am taking steps, and making decisions every day, that will lead to my eventual complete freedom. But for now, I celebrate how far I’ve come. My trauma bond is broken. I no longer love him at all. I am no longer manipulated or controlled by him. And for those of you who have been through this, or are going through this, you know that every step we take in this god awful process that leads us further and further emotionally and physically away from our abusive partner, is something to be celebrated. I might be here in body, but my heart and spirit left him a long time ago, and that truth, is absolutely everything. Untethering myself from him, has saved my life. Choose to save your life. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, seek help; get counseling. Slowly begin to untether and untangle yourself from them. Set boundaries that make you feel safe, and ok. I have my own bedroom. I have my own bathroom. I don’t kiss him. We don’t have s*x. We are not romantically involved. He’s never going to change, and coming to that realization as painful as it was; catapulted me down a path of my own healing, and of fierce determination to find myself again, and to break free, from his cycle of abuse. I don’t know what your situation looks like, or what freedom looks like for you, but this is freedom for me; being able to sleep soundly at night feeling safe, with my self worth in tact, and my boundaries not crossed. Someday I will be completely free, but for now, I am as free as I can be, and it is not something to be taken lightly; it is something to be celebrated. I survived a narcissist. I used to love one, but now I just live under the same roof with one; co existing, as my heart longs for the day, when I won’t have to do that anymore. Celebrate each step you take, toward your freedom. Find pockets of peace and joy along the way, and sink into them deeply. For that is where you will find yourself again; that is where you will remember and reclaim who you are. That is where your strength will return home to you; where your inner knowing will become the voice that matters most. That is where your fierceness is cultivated. Your external circumstances may not change for a while, but your inner circumstances certainly can. Step back into the glorious light and strength of who you are, Little one. Find your voice, and set boundaries. Untether yourself from the narcissist, and break free of your trauma bond. It’s the only way for that child inside, to be truly safe and sound. It’s the only way you are ever going to thrive. Stop being their stomping ground.”
-Little girl speak
