30/04/2025
My whole life, I have been surrounded by people who have had similar traits of varying degrees.
People who are non emotional, lacking in empathy, self absorbed, deceitful and manipulative.
I always felt different, a deep thinker, fascinated by people's behavior. I could 'feel' people.
I have felt uncomfortable with people my whole life. Spending a lifetime of self evaluating, managing emotions, self awareness, understanding others, in order to cope with the world I was in. Where most people around me were not affectionate, would blame me, manipulate me, deceive me or disregard me.
I developed a detachment, a non personal approach to others destructive behavior.
But underneath, so desperately sad that I could not connect with anyone on my level, where authentic emotional connection was missing.
I even adopted a lot of those traits myself in my teens and 20s.
I came to understand them, to emphasise with their discomfort while also being susceptible to the emotional twists and turns they attacked me with.
Most people see the red flags because they have experienced empathetic, caring, loving people around them.
I saw the green flags. When I did encounter these people, my emotions would overspill because I craved that connection so desperately.
I eventually found those real connections, something at last, to compare with, to start opening my eyes.
Thankful for an eternity that I was gifted, through a lifetime of being surrounded by those who do not and cannot bring safety, security, comfort, calm or love, with an unwavering questioning mind, an independence of thought and thank goodness, a self worth that has always been present.
A lot of people have traits that make personal relationships or connections difficult. They don't make us feel safe, balanced, calm or nutured.
We do not need to label them, blame them or blame ourselves.
We do however, need to accept them for who they are. Whether their behaviour is due to trauma, social factors or differences in brain function, they have limited tools that make interactions comfortable. Sometimes they do change but that is on them, not us.
Love ourselves and those like us, with intent, with purpose, with power.
