Buffy Maple

13/10/2020

🇺🇸 Getting more upset about the impending elections??? 🇺🇸

Why? Really, take a moment to list all the reasons you can think of why you might be getting more upset.

Now take a moment to ponder each one and ask, “Is this of my own natural creative eternal thought process, or is it something I’ve been reminded of to be upset about either by the media or my friends and family via their social media?”

Look at each item on your list and reflect on if this is something you would naturally gravitate toward thinking or talking about or (be honest now:-)) or would you rather be doing or thinking about other things?

Is being upset about the elections enriching or depleting?

How much time are you spending watching triggering information and/or replying to triggering comments that then may in turn be triggering to others?

Has it been worth it???

How often has your mind or heart been changed by opposing points of view? Hopefully, it has been, but I’m guessing not that often. Probably most major shifts (if any) happened before you hit your forties. On those rare occasions when you had a paradigm shift in thinking, reflect on how you were exposed to that information, your life circumstances at the time, and how it was presented, that allowed you to shift your perspective?

Are there ways you might shift how you currently share information so that it more closely replicates the ways your mind was influenced positively by a different point of view?

Sometimes we get ardent about arguing or changing a person’s point of view especially if it is diametrically opposed to ours. I notice we tend to do this much more via emails or social media rather than face to face contact. We need to stop and remind ourselves how often in our life we have been able to change our minds, especially to opposing points of view. Reflecting on how seldom we have been able to change our own minds can hopefully help us understand how hard this might be for the person whose mind we are trying to change.

Imagine someone trying to get you to do an about-face on some point that you, your friends, political party/church/or fellow -------- (fill in the blank with cherished people who think as you do), and maybe even family hold dear. Now amazingly, say they succeed in getting you at least interested in changing your mind and taking on their perspective. How hard would it be for you to talk about and share your new-found perspective with those you love or care about? What might you have to give up? Who among your friends, family, and tribe might you lose? How might you be targeted, questioned, criticized, etc, regarding your new thinking? What life changes would you have to make?

Thinking about how hard taking on a hugely different perspective might actually be in reality, may help us be more sensitive, tolerant, and aware of how hard it would be for others to do the same, and hopefully help us be gentler and have more understanding of why it might be too hard for folks who think differently than us to even consider changing their thinking or beliefs.

It helps to remember that each of us has very good reasons to think the way we do based on each of our own unique life experiences.

So instead of zealously trying to change each other's minds through rapid-fire memes or triggering (often one-sided) articles, maybe we can find ways to focus on the qualities we like about our different thinking friends, acquaintances, and family.

I mean, after all, do we really want to cut ourselves off from approximately 50% of the US population that think differently than us? In my mind, that just adds to our already increasing sense of isolation that all of us are experiencing due to pandemic induced social and physical distancing as well as our culture focusing on our differentness rather than our common bonds.

If we are going to fight, let us fight for our closer connection with each other rather than for defending our differences.

Connection as caring humans towards each other is the contradiction! This is what builds our sense of capability, resilience, and safety. Staying connected is what grounds us and makes our lives better no matter how difficult our lives might be.

20/05/2020

How is navigating various stages of re-opening while still in the midst of COVID-19 throughout the world going for you?

Just as we did with the virus, we find ourselves on a global scale transitioning into new, unknown, and uncharted territory, as we grapple with opening-up or continuing to shelter in place.

Each of us is re-evaluating our perceived risks (on a conscious level) and our survival response (via our subconscious and our nervous system, therefore often without our awareness) in regard to our concerns about the virus, the economy, or personal autonomy.

Unfortunately, our concerns have been influenced by the fear-based perspectives on all sides of both the news and social media feeds. The bottom line is fear sells;-(

Added to this, sadly our information, our response to that information, and our interactions with others, have become politicized, separating and isolating us further, while we try to make important decisions.

Throughout the world, we are all being challenged with this transition.

Only now perhaps we have less resilience. We have been worn down by all we have had to face, changes in our lives, and new circumstances we could never imagine a few months ago.

Now, if you haven't already, is a good time to nourish yourselves, with whatever means you have available to you.

Some of you may have more than enough, while others may be in unsafe circumstances, unable to follow recommendations, even if you really want to.

Some of us are concerned with problems like getting enough toilet paper or finding a safe food delivery system. Others of us are struggling with being able to put food on the table and merely trying to survive.

Whatever your circumstances, do what you can to both calm your nervous system (for ideas google "how to calm my nervous system") and appreciate and be kind with yourself (for ideas google "how to silence my inner critic") as often as possible.

Both of these things are free and often don't require additional resources. Do short experiments with the ideas you found in your Google search that most appeal to you, and see which ones work best.

Calming your nervous system and being gentle with yourself can help you think better about what steps are the best for you to take next. Both can help your physical body maintain health and give your immune system a better chance of handling whatever it may need to handle.

Whatever your thoughts about this virus and its virulence or lack of it, how it got here, what our governments are doing or not doing, or what you think should be done or not done next, there is no turning back.

Whatever we are about to face, it will be different than what we have faced before COVID-19 entered our lives.

At times of change, it is useful to ask ourselves questions. Doing this helps us to pause, to check in with ourselves, perhaps helping us to choose our next actions responsibly not just reactively.

We can't change the arrival of COVID-19, and we rarely can change people's responses to it. If nothing else, I think the media and our own personal interactions with people, have shown that.

"WHEN WE ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO CHANGE A SITUATION, WE ARE CHALLENGED TO CHANGE OURSELVES" Viktor E Frankl

As any of you who read my posts know, I highly recommend asking questions or sharing your thoughts or feelings in listening partnerships ( https://www.facebook.com/buffymaplewellbeing/posts/1546375405510632?__tn__=-R ). I think they give you the best shot of getting the support you might need in creating outcomes that are the most uniquely suited for you.

Some questions you might ponder:

What might we need to face within ourselves in order to take a more active role in improving our connections with ourselves, family, friends, community, and relationships with all humans, not just those we are most comfortable with?

What parts of our personal life do we wish to maintain and which parts do we want to let go of?

How has COVID-19 changed your dreams?

What new perspectives/expectations do we now have for ourselves?

Or take time to formulate your own questions that have significance for better understanding your unique situation.

No matter how much or how little resources we have available to us, or how much or how little personal freedom we perceive ourselves to have, we all have the ability to chose our attitude toward whatever life events we are faced with.

"BETWEEN THE STIMULUS AND THE RESPONSE, THERE IS A SPACE. IN THAT SPACE IS OUR POWER TO CHOOSE OUR RESPONSE. IN OUR RESPONSE LIES OUR GROWTH AND OUR FREEDOM." Viktor E Frankl

Wishing you the courage to choose responses and actions that will support you as well as all lifeforms.

I would love to hear how you are dealing with the transition in the comments below.

16/05/2020

We are all feeling the anxieties of COVID, here are some useful techniques you can use to help calm the nervous system which can reduce those anxious feelings.

15/05/2020

👩‍🔬 👩‍🏫👩‍🌾👩‍🔧Nurses, caregivers, restaurant workers, grocery clerks, food harvesters, factory workers, etc are mostly women. These jobs are among the least compensated positions, and these workers are mostly undervalued and taken for granted. These women are often seen as easily replaceable but when push comes to shove, as in the sudden onslaught of COVID-19, we are faced with the truth that they the ones we can't live without. 👩‍🔬 👩‍🏫👩‍🌾👩‍🔧

With the arrival of COVID-19/sheltering in place, sexism is becoming more visible as women and men are confined to their homes together while often facing economic insecurity and an unknown future, without their external distractions such as sports or shopping, to name just two. Alcohol/drug use, intense feelings, and intense parenting are up. Domestic violence is on the rise.

Many of us aren't aware on a conscious level of sexism's impact on us, we often just reflexively go passive or have reactive responses that don't handle the situation well, instead of being able to think clearly that we are up against and responding to sexism. Having more awareness and clarity broadens our options of being able to take charge of the situation more effectively.

The realities of sexism/male domination can be difficult to face. The oppression of women has so often been ignored, denied, unrecognized, and trivialized. Because of this, it can seem taboo to bring the topic up, even with other women. That is how powerful its impact is on us!

Many of us go blank when we try to think about how sexism played out in our childhood, or how it affects us presently. Asking oneself the following questions might help bring out more self-awareness regarding your own personal experiences of sexism/male domination in your life:

1. How is the current COVID 19/sheltering in place particularly challenging for us as women?

2. How are care-taking patterns getting triggered by COVID-19/sheltering in place, in regards to our families, relationships, demands on our time, the expectations of others, etc?

3. How did our early experiences of sexism/male domination as young females set us up to respond to the current situation (COVID-19/sheltering in place)? Where did those early childhood experiences leave us vulnerable to not being able to think, act, speak up for ourselves, or take charge of the current situation in ways of our own choosing? ( one of the reasons sexism can be so hard for women to think about or work on, is that it can require many women to face early physical and sexual abuse)

Reflecting on these questions might help us to see more clearly some of our female patterns, such as a need for approval, focusing on living up to others' expectations, feeling responsible for taking care of others, doubting our thinking, or just doing what we're told.

Our caretaking patterns (learned very early in our childhoods) can have an even greater pull on us during this pandemic/sheltering in place. The burden and increased difficulty of meal planning/preparation often fall on us. Increased childcare and now even homeschooling in many households are up to us. Making sure our relationships go well, and keeping clean well-organized homes can be others.

Feeling compelled to live out these patterns can pull us away from whatever self-care we might have managed to have in place before the pandemic. They can take us away from prioritizing ourselves, our bodies, and our health.

If this is happening for you, it is good to take some time to reflect (often helpful to do this with a trusted female friend) on what sexist/male domination expectations you have internalized and are now putting on yourself.

Perhaps with your increased awareness, it could be possible to make new decisions and commitments to prioritize taking better care of yourself going forward. Coming up with some details of what this would look like specifically for you with another caring human (female or male) who can think awarely and thoughtfully about you and lovingly cheer you on, might help strengthen your resolve.

To further anchor in the changes you want to make, it can be very useful to have an ongoing listening partnership with that person where you share equal time listening to each other. A great opening question is to take turns asking each other " So how has sexism impacted your life this week"?

As we attempt to change our lives and our responses to sexism, our initial efforts might be a bit clumsy or heavy-handed. That's ok and shows you are taking the risks required to push your envelope of tolerance! Yet as we make efforts to speak up more regarding sexism and push ourselves not to remain silent, we can trigger those who have acted out their sexism at us.

It is indeed challenging to stand up for ourselves, while at the same time to try to do it in a way that keeps or builds on the current connection you have with the offender.

It is a good reminder to recognize that men are not our enemy.

You don't want to lose good connections with half the world's population!

They are good humans who have also been hurt. As babies, they too longed for close human connection, but cultural norms interrupted that with heavy messages in all forms telling them that "big boys don't cry", and to "man up". If they showed emotion they were targeted with male domination, by adults as well as their peers. They often needed shut down their gentler emotions in order to survive the early onslaught of harshness and humiliation.

I see the most useful path as maintaining the clear and steadfast perspective of ending sexism and male domination, and setting clear boundaries for ourselves, while at the same time attempting to do it in a way that keeps and builds on having good relationships with men.

12/05/2020

Have you noticed people's tone and opinions getting louder, harsher, or more strident as our sheltering in place requirements grow longer for some and are being at least somewhat lifted for others?

COVID 19/sheltering requirements are hard on our stress levels, nervous systems, and resiliency.
Adding diversity of opinions and adversity regarding our differences makes an already challenging situation more difficult.

It seems to me that there are two broad camps, those that feel safer with sheltering in place while continuing restrictions and those that feel constrained by them and fear their effects on the economy.

People seem to be gaining momentum and a barrage of information to back up their perspectives. They voice these back and forth in attempts to get the opposing side to listen.

It doesn't look like this tactic is changing many hearts or minds. Sadly, in this already isolating new world, we are now feeling increasingly separate from friends, family, and community members, whose thinking and behaviors are different than ours.

It doesn't have to be this way!

I believe if people fully understood a few simple concepts and lived their lives from them, we could gain greater awareness of ourselves, have more control of how we live our lives, and feel more connection, not less, with those folks, we now feel separate from, as a result of COVID 19 and the current restrictions.

Some concepts are:

#1 That whatever feelings, thoughts, beliefs, perspectives, and resulting behaviors you have about COVID 19/sheltering in place are coming more from your past early childhood hurtful experiences, and less from the current situation ( ie, COVID 19/sheltering in place).

This is true for all of us, with all triggers, no matter how much or how little inner work we have done. It will continue to be true until the day we die.

#2 When we experience early hurts ( which we all have), our nervous system is temporally overwhelmed, the memory is embedded in our felt sense of self, and our usual flexible intelligence for sorting and storing incoming information shuts down.

#3 The result is a distress recording, sort of like a tape loop, which with repetition, and over time, becomes our automatic "go-to" perspective or pattern (ie distressed behavior) which attaches to us but isn't us. The patterns that we acquire as the result of various early hurtful incidents, interrupt our otherwise flexible fresh thinking about each new situation and instead have us reflexively and reactively responding to any NEW INCIDENT that even remotely reminds us of the original hurt, as it were the OLD original hurt.

These patterns leave us acting in rigid, upsetting, and repetitive ways. We and our nervous systems can feel like our very survival is at stake, because that is how it felt when the original hurt occurred. These processes are subconscious and often below our awareness.

"MAYBE YOU ARE SEARCHING AMONG THE BRANCHES,FOR WHAT ONLY APPEARS AMONG THE ROOTS.” RUMI

Our feelings, bodily sensations, and nervous system reactions appear to us to be caused by the current trigger (in this case, our feelings/ reactions/beliefs regarding COVID 19/sheltering in place).

But believing this keeps us confused and often feeling powerless to change things. That is because we are living in the past while trying to respond to something in the present. We are left feeling dependent on the situation to change or the other person to change in order for us to return to a state of stability, ease, and subconsciously, safety.

There is often truth in a trigger. But it is a matter of degrees, not necessarily truth itself. Often we respond to triggers as if they are 100% true, instead of the more likely 10-20% degree of reality they actually are.

So what can we do differently, knowing these 3 concepts, in relation to people who think differently than us?

FOR YOURSELF:

#1 Become more aware of how the current situation (in this case COVID/restrictions, but this can work for any trigger or upsetting situation) is bringing up old feelings from the past. We can start this awareness by noticing and naming the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, reactions, behaviors the current situation is bringing up for us. Naming it helps us claim it and tame it.

#2 Once we are aware of what's coming up for us in regards to the current trigger, we can then ask ourselves, "What does this situation remind me of?" or "When have I felt like this in the past?" The earliest memories are the most fruitful. This is a good first step in bringing your attention to separating the past from the present.

#3 Requires a listening partner, (see previous posts for more about this https://www.facebook.com/buffymaplewellbeing/posts/1546375405510632?__tn__=-R ) where you would go to the earlier hurt and express all that you couldn't express back then, with the safety of a caring aware listening partner. When you do this, your free intelligence that got interrupted with the original early hurt, starts to come back online, and a bit of your rational thinking returns, and often you are able to respond to the current situation in more flexible, expansive, rational, and creative ways.

After you have taken more responsibility for yourself, you may have more resilience and attention to interact with those who think differently than you.

WITH PEOPLE WHO THINK DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU:

#1 Only take this on if you are able and want to interact using a caring, interested, and open perspective.

#2 Choose someone you have cared about whose thinking, outside the triggering situation, you have valued.

#3 Have a clear yet kind exit strategy in case things get hard (this is easier to do now with current restrictions) ;-)

#4 Let yourself be as relaxed, vulnerable, and honest as possible. You could acknowledge your differences in a thoughtful and respectful manner. You could say something about wanting a clearer understanding of their perspective. Do whatever you think will work best to have the particular person you are talking to, to feel safe, trusting, and relaxed.

#5 Ask an open-ended question, something like "what are your thoughts about COVID 19 and sheltering in place"? Be prepared to hear a barrage of thoughts, feelings, strong opinions, and beliefs, along with resentments, upsets, fears, and frustration, etc. These might dissipate as they get to vent a bit and see you are not challenging, stopping, or interrupting them.

#6 The key is to actively, attentively, caringly listen. No counter-arguments, no drawing the story back to yourself in any way. No interjecting your opinions. No questions disguised as interest, but are really meant to entrap them or their thinking or to guide them to think differently.

#7 You can ask questions, but only if you can ask them in at least a neutral tone, and only if you sincerely are interested in their answer. If you notice them staying stuck in rhetoric or sound bytes, you could try to be gentle and creative in thinking of questions that might shift how whatever they are focused on as a philosophy, belief, or rigid opinion, by asking them how it is affecting them personally.

#8 If they ask you for your perspective, I think it's best to just thank them for asking but for the moment assure them of your genuine interest to get to know them and their perspective better. You could suggest if they really want to hear your perspective, they could ask you at another time and you would be glad to answer any questions they have regarding yours.

NOW BACK TO YOURSELF:

#1 You can reflect on whatever was hard for you to hear during your conversation. Again I think doing this in a listening partnership is most effective. Some general questions you could ask yourself (or your listening partner could ask you) are "Who in your past does this person remind you of"? "When is the first time you experienced (whatever the trigger or upsetting feeling is for you) or something similar"? Then you work on expressing your feelings in relation to those earlier hurts and people, not the current situation or person.

Will exploring these concepts and experimenting with these steps make everything all better? Most likely not, but they can go a long way toward seeing each other as the good humans we are. Towards having more insight, empathy, and less judgment or blame for people whose viewpoints are different than ours. Perhaps we might broaden our perspective and intelligence by listening well to others.

I think taking the time to do this work increases our chances of incrementally moving towards more connection, while not doing it increases our chances of more separation and division.

One thing I know for sure is that as we continue our journeys into our unknown futures, it always helps to have more allies and fewer adversaries.

YOU: Have Health Challenges, Experienced Trauma, and Are Courageous & Tenacious & Never Give Up
ME:

06/05/2020

Sheltering in place alone or know some one who is? This video might be useful for you.

06/05/2020

Sheltering in place alone or know some one who is? This might be a useful video for you.

05/05/2020

☯️ Have you learned a new language, reorganized your pantry, or knitted your first sweater since sheltering in place? Me neither!

☯️ I have seen a lot of dialogue about using our shelter in place time to learn something new, or doing something productive rather than filling our days with the latest fear-based news or wallowing around in our PJ’s, playing solitaire or binge-watching sitcoms.

☯️ This filling our time with constructive activities, can prove useful to many who will find that adding structure, learning something new, or getting out and walking is a great way to focus their minds and bodies on something other than COVID-19 and all the lifestyle changes required in our attempts to contain it.

☯️ Yet there is a whole other subset of people who may be unable to follow these suggestions, no matter how beneficial they may be, due to health challenges and/or their nervous systems being stuck in the freeze response even while also experiencing the fight or flight response.

☯️ For these women, all this “do this or do that” advice can feel punitive and increase their feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame for not using their time to get more stuff done.

☯️ When people blame themselves, they are less likely to talk about what they are going through, especially if they believe all their friends and family are more “productive”. This can lead to increased isolation in already more isolating times, and their silence can decrease their chances of getting the help they need or realizing that there are a lot more people stuck in this immobility state, just like them!

☯️ This problem is often compounded even further for those with an already overloaded nervous system due to past trauma (emotional, physical, biological, and more) where their “threat response” is often already on survival mode 24/7.

☯️ This can result in taking up a lot of our emotional, cognitive, and physical energy.

☯️ When your nervous system is on overdrive like this, a lot of complex interactions occur, not the least of which is, your hypothalamus sends a hormonal message to your pituitary gland that then stimulates your adrenal glands to release the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline which are intended to help get your body ready to fight or flee the “survival threat” situation.

☯️ In addition in some cases, the neurotransmitter acetylcholine is released which often drives the freeze response.

☯️ These automatic, subconscious biological responses occur in often less than a tenth of a second and are beyond your rational control. You can’t think or will yourself out of it!

☯️ This chemical and physiological mix, combined with our sensations and emotions created by our past sometimes traumatic life experiences, can leave us with a seemingly paradoxical outcome.

☯️ We can feel anxious, agitated, overwhelmed, our thoughts racing a mile a minute, often full of nervous energy, while simultaneously feeling numb, disassociated, sluggish, and have brain fog, that renders us unable to motivate ourselves to move forward mentally or physically. We want to curl up in a ball, pull the covers over our heads and hibernate, yet we are too anxious to fully relax, rest, or sleep.

☯️ I implore you not to blame yourself or feel guilty for not being able to “get stuff done” during this difficult time. You are just fine, you are not lazy or crazy, what you are experiencing is completely normal given the current condition of your nervous system, as a result of past traumas, and the daily added stresses of the pandemic.

☯️ You can't just pick yourself up by the scruff of your neck and harshly tell yourself to get up and do something right now! You are not in a Nike commercial, you can't "JUST DO IT"! If you try this approach, you will just overwhelm your nervous system further.

☯️ You need to gradually and incrementally encourage your mind, body, and nervous system, out of its freeze response.

☯️ Think of a large boat that wants to change from going south to going east. It doesn’t just stop on a dime and change course. It gradually, slowly, incrementally changes its direction, with two tiny little propellors, to reach its goal or destination.

☯️ You can use similar thinking when trying to move out of immobilization. Think SLOW, GRADUAL, REPETITIVE, and CONSISTENT.

☯️ Think of 1-2 activities (when in doubt, pick just one) that might give you pleasure or calm, not ones that you think "would be good for you" or that " you "should" do.

☯️ Then, no holds barred, underwhelm yourself!

☯️ If you think you want to do a half-hour of your chosen activity, then cut that time in half or even more. Take 10-15 minutes instead. It is much better to have your nervous system craving more than it is to have it feeling pressured to get it done.

☯️ Our nervous systems, in general, feel safer with routine and patterns. They love predictability. So if you can schedule your activity for the same general time frame each day your brain will over time feel less resistant and more accepting of doing your activity.

☯️ Once you find you and your brain can handle the activity with relative ease over several days, then you can incrementally increase the time doing it by 10-15 minutes. Only do this if the activity is bringing you calm or pleasure. If it isn't, then you can maintain a shorter time frame, or try a different activity.

☯️ Typically our brains are more resistant to the anticipation of activity than they are to actually do it. If you have chosen an activity that is more a pleasure than a should, you will often find once you start doing it, that it is easier to actually do than you anticipated. (Think Newton's law of inertia, an object at rest stays at rest, while an object in motion stays in motion).

☯️ The most important thing to offer yourself while doing what you can to move out of immobilization is self-acceptance and self-compassion. Do your best to let go of blame, judgment, and unrealistic expectations of yourself while navigating your way through these challenging times.