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Restoring Love Therapeutic loving: facing the past, healing, learning healthy communication skills, and creating a

đź’«đź’– I remember when I had CPTSD, suicidal and single parenting tiny kids. I could hardly breathe. Then working as a the...
13/08/2025

đź’«đź’– I remember when I had CPTSD, suicidal and single parenting tiny kids. I could hardly breathe. Then working as a therapist - helping others! It was hell. I look back and think that me - 15 years ago - was a hero. It was excruciating.

Now I help folk stabilise, get safe, process, and gain skills to proactive love in intensive therapy. Helping their regulation in a few days and weeks rather than the couple of years it took me. It’s such an honour to do this deep work 💕💫💖

❤️‍🩹

10/08/2025

Your feelings will come out somehow - either in a healthy way that grows connection or an unhealthy way that leads to disconnection.

What were you taught to do with your feelings as a kid?

1. Directly share what happened, own what you feel and what you need to resolve upsets? This takes facing the feelings, being vulnerable, authentic and honouring.

2. Pretend you’re fine and the feelings will come out in your behaviour? This where you take out what you feel by withdrawing, retaliating, shutting down, being busy, etc so the other person is forced to feel what you deny in yourself. This acting out takes bypassing and judging your feelings. It doesn’t lead to repairing or resolving. It distances hearts and creates disconnection.

When we truly love someone enough, we are willing to end the behaviours that create disconnection, and learn the skills to healthy expression.

You’re utterly worthy of deep love and cherishing. That takes vulnerability, expressing feelings in an honouring way and being receptive to repair.

In my family, we had to look good publicly. The girls had to be busy, nice and happy. The boys were allowed to act out anger on us and we had to take it. There was no accountability, or repair. If I addressed behaviour that harmed me, I was mocked for thinking I deserved repair, shamed, insulted and shut down. This lead to over giving and being taken advantage of, as well as a deep fear of being vulnerable and authentic.

So I really get how hard it is to step out of unhealthy patterns and into health relating.

If you’re stuck in disconnection and want to break the cycle, find an RLT therapist on the RLT directory. If you’d like my support (I’m certified RLT) see deets below.

10/08/2025

A therapist asks: “are all men who lack empathy narcissists?”
My response below.
đź’•đź’«đź’–

10/08/2025

Treya Lufu is the most disciplined and organised out the three of us. Her mind can see where things go, see what needs to happen, and has the motivation to stick to things. This is a gift of dyslexia that she has amazing spacial awareness.

But… her body doesn’t have capacity to do things due to H-EDS, fibromyalgia and mast cell activation.

It just isn’t fair. Lao and I have AuDHD - so our minds are scattered, we get overwhelmed, we don’t see things, and aren’t great at completing things.

It’s often like a three legged race where we keep tripping up. Somehow we get up and hobble forward. And then have infinity long conversations about it - that are either triggering or healing 🤣

Thankfully, the healing ones win overall. And love and depth connect us all.

What’s the neurospicy soup combo in your family?

Most of us come to therapy because unhealed pain is seeping into our life.Into our parenting.Into our relationships.Into...
08/08/2025

Most of us come to therapy because unhealed pain is seeping into our life.
Into our parenting.
Into our relationships.
Into how we see ourselves and the world.

We want to understand it.
We want to feel loved and connected.
We want to thrive without the pain of the past distorting everything we touch.

So we go to therapy.
We show up.
We open our hearts.

The therapist meets us with care.
They begin to explore gently.
It can feel like heart surgery, your heart is opened, the old wounds are seen, the blocks understood.

But 50 minutes just isn’t enough time.
There’s not enough space to stay with it, to heal it, to rebuild from the inside out.

So around 45 minutes in, the therapist supports you to pack it all away again.
To close your heart and head back into the world.

Do you sometimes leave therapy feeling like you're in limbo?
Like your heart was opened, but nothing got to land?
That it’s all still there, sitting just under the surface, waiting?

It’s not that the therapy isn’t working. It’s that the container is too small for the depth of what you carry.
That’s why I offer Therapy Intensives.

Even though they’re called intensives, what they really offer is space.
Space to stay with what’s there.
To bring care and love to the places that were never met.
To breathe, maybe for the first time.

In an intensive, we go slowly and deeply.
We don’t just identify what happened. We process it.
We build inner safety and expand your capacity to live in a new way.
You’re not rushed. You’re not left holding it all on your own.

Some clients say it felt like months of therapy in a few days. Others say, “It’s the first time I’ve felt hope that things can actually change.”

I offer everything from half-day intensives to full five-day intensives.
For those ready to work through the core traumas of their life, we can gently and precisely meet them, not over years, but sometimes in just one focused, supported week.

If your heart is longing for that kind of healing, you’re welcome to reach out.

Weekday and weekend options are available. Reach out if you’re ready for deep healing.

You’ve coped with so much.You’ve been strong for so long.But lately... are things starting to feel unmanageable?Is the b...
07/08/2025

You’ve coped with so much.
You’ve been strong for so long.

But lately... are things starting to feel unmanageable?
Is the burnout not lifting?
Are you finding yourself reacting in ways that don’t feel like you?
Do you feel dysregulated? Discombobulated?
Are you noticing shame, rejection, anger, or frustration rising up and feeling too much to hold?

You might be trying to think your way out of it, manage it, fix it, but it’s still there.
That tightness in your chest. The exhaustion. The disconnect.

Maybe you’ve been telling yourself, it’s just stress.
But something in you knows this runs deeper.

It’s not just stress.
It’s pain that hasn’t had the space to be seen or tended to.
Old hurts. Old patterns. Old beliefs that were never yours to carry.

And they don’t shift just by pushing through.

They need space.
They need warmth.
They need deep care that truly meets you in the places that were never met.

That’s why I offer Therapy Intensives.
Because sometimes an hour a week just isn’t enough.

These intensives offer time to go deeper, to explore what’s really driving the pain, and to feel truly seen in it.

Clients often say things like:
“It felt like months of therapy in just a few days.”
“For the first time, I feel hope that I can change. That things can actually shift.”

And they do shift.
Because we take the time.
Because we stay with what’s surfacing instead of rushing past it.
Because you are not left alone in the middle of it all.

If something in you is whispering, I need this, you are not broken for feeling this way.
I will support you in a safe and loving way.
To regulate.
To process the parts that have hurt you or distorted you.
To come home to who you truly are, so that you can feel good about yourself.

You do not have to carry this all alone.
I will support you to weave love into the places that have never been met, so that you can feel loved in the way you always deserved. 🧡

zariyalufu.com/intensives

04/08/2025

Most holidays start with packing.
But no one warns you that your childhood baggage is already in the suitcase.

You think you’re off for a relaxing break, and suddenly…
🧳 You’ve packed your fear of asking for help
🧳 A sprinkle of people-pleasing
🧳 That “I’ll just handle it all myself” energy
🧳 And a side order of “What even is a boundary?”

And you didn’t even mean to bring any of it.

But there’s another kind of journey.
One your parents may have never taken.
It’s not to Bali. Or the mountains. Or that little cabin in Wales.

It’s the trip inward.

Therapy is where you unpack what’s been weighing you down.
You meet the younger you who’s been carrying it all.
You learn to love them. Listen to them.
And slowly, gently, you stop repeating the same cycle on every trip, every relationship, every Monday.

I offer sessions and therapy intensives to help you weave love into the places that were missed and learn the skills to relate in a whole new way.
One where you feel secure, connected, and able to travel light.

Let’s break the cycle, not your back.

Thank you for the brilliant post, and .lame for the perfect expression.

Sometimes love brings things up that don’t feel soft or easy.It can stir old pain, patterns of abandonment, fears of eng...
30/07/2025

Sometimes love brings things up that don’t feel soft or easy.
It can stir old pain, patterns of abandonment, fears of engulfment or rejection, and before we know it, our nervous system is bracing for something that isn’t happening right now.

But the discomfort isn’t always a red flag.
Sometimes it’s an invitation.
To stay.
To slow down.
To notice what’s moving in you.
To offer yourself the presence you may have longed for as a child.

Staying with yourself in those tender moments is a powerful act of love.
You don’t have to do it alone. You can do it in therapy or community.

We didn’t learn how to do this at school. And it sucks to have to have to learn it now. Your peace and self-love are worth it.

Reach out to me with “group” or “sessions” if you want support in a community or individual focus.

I wanted to share what happened in a recent Brainspotting session with someone who had been struggling with misophonia.W...
25/07/2025

I wanted to share what happened in a recent Brainspotting session with someone who had been struggling with misophonia.

When they came to me, they described it as a 10 out of 10. The sound of chewing was unbearable. It brought on waves of panic, rage, and overwhelm. They couldn’t sit through meals. It was like their skin was crawling and they felt a scream in their bones. Often, they would have to leave the room, or they would snap in frustration. It was affecting their relationships and their sense of peace. They hated meal times. They felt frustrated and powerless. They truly believed it was something they would have to live with for the rest of their life.

In our Brainspotting session, we explored what was underneath the reaction. What we uncovered together was that the misophonia was not random. It was rooted in trauma. Their nervous system had learned to associate certain sounds with danger, intrusion, and helplessness. Together we were able to process some of those early memories and offer care and connection to the younger parts of them that were still holding that pain.

We also worked with tools to support self-regulation. Tools that didn’t involve pushing the feeling away or pretending it was not there but rather meeting it with kindness and curiosity. We focused on helping them stay grounded and connected even when triggered.

By the end of our two-hour session, they told me that the intensity had dropped to a 2 or 3 out of 10. In the next session, I hope to get it to zero. This was a two-hour session. We needed more time.

They let me know that things have improved. They are able to stay at the table. They can speak calmly about what they need “please chew with your mouth closed” and “could you please continue talking after you’ve finished what you’re chewing!”. They no longer feel that same sensory overload and overwhelm. They told me they are surprised. They hadn’t expected Brainspotting to work like it has.

Sometimes we carry things that feel unchangeable. But when we meet the body with care and attunement, real healing can happen.

Tired of Misophonia disturbing you? Brainspotting is an incredible therapy formed out of EMDR to process in embodied ways. Reach out if you’d like to book some sessions or an intensive to process it. I can’t guarantee it’ll go in one or two sessions - it’s dependent on the trauma you’ve had. Though I will give you the tools to calm the reaction and have capacity to soothe you.

24/07/2025

Do you have an attachment object?
Something you hold or wear or reach for that brings you comfort?
Stitch this and show me yours if you feel like sharing.

If you’re not sure what an attachment object is, it’s something that helps you feel safe, soothed, or connected. It might be a soft blanket, a piece of jewellery, a favourite mug, or even a stone in your pocket. It’s not childish. It’s deeply human.

When you’ve lived through trauma, the body can stay on high alert, waiting for the next hurt. An attachment object can help ease the nervous system. It becomes a steady companion, something that says, you’re safe now, I’ve got you.

And if you’re feeling blocked from loving yourself, or you’re stuck in patterns that feel hard to shift, you don’t have to stay there. Brainspotting sessions or a one-day intensive with me can help you process the roots of the pain and begin to build a secure, loving relationship with yourself.

If that speaks to something in you, reach out. I’d be honoured to support you.💜

You don’t owe your healing to the people who harmed you.You don’t have to explain yourself to those who continue to blam...
23/07/2025

You don’t owe your healing to the people who harmed you.
You don’t have to explain yourself to those who continue to blame, shame, or deny.
And you certainly don’t have to have vulnerable conversations with people who have shown you they aren’t safe.

When someone has shown you repetitively that they twist your words, silence you or don’t care about you - it is self love to choose to disengage.

It’s okay to protect your peace.
It’s okay to choose silence over self-abandonment.
It’s healthy to walk away, even if others demand you do the emotional labour.

This is discernment.
And it’s one of the most powerful acts of self-respect.

Do they have the capacity and skill to respond lovingly?
If not, engaging is going to hurt you. You deserve care.

You can walk away - without shaming or raging at them for not having the skills to honour you. Otherwise you’re joining them in being toxic.

Simply honouring your heart and protecting your vulnerability. This tender care lets your inner word know you will be there for you.

If you’re learning how to set loving limits and honour your nervous system, you’re not alone.

You’re doing sacred work. 🌿

If you need support, reach out. I do intensives to accelerate your healing journey. So, you get regulated, reconnected and resourced. đź’•đź’«đź’“

Being proactive about your health isn’t selfish, it’s self-love.You don’t have to wait until you're completely burnt out...
22/07/2025

Being proactive about your health isn’t selfish, it’s self-love.
You don’t have to wait until you're completely burnt out to ask for help.
You don’t have to justify rest, appointments, or slowing down.

You’re allowed to care for your body before it’s screaming.
You’re allowed to listen early, gently, and with love.

Tending to your wellbeing isn’t a luxury.
It’s a sacred act of self-honouring.

You matter. Your health matters.
And the love you give to others? You deserve that too. đź’ś

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Thriving After Childhood

This page is for you. Here you receive simple insights and tools to help you make sense of how life has impacted you. In facing things, we can heal, grow in skills to love well and learn to thrive. In all of us are talents and strengths to overcome anything! Together we will restore the love within you, so you can shine in the gift you are.