12/03/2023
I want to talk about what it’s like being a medical mom. I said this page was like my journal and tonight i’m going to use it as such.
My heart feels really heavy tonight thinking about everything that’s coming up in the next few months. Her Gtube surgery, her hand surgeries, and her cochlear implants surgery.
Being a mom to a child who needs so much medical attention is the hardest thing i’ve had to do. From weekly appointments, so many hospital stays i’ve lost count, sitting in OR waiting room, and paperwork. Don’t even get me started on the paperwork haha. It’s absolutely exhausting. And I know how that sounds, don’t get me wrong, Hannah is amazing. And I can’t even put into words how much I love her. She brings me so much happiness, and love. But i’m also exhausted. I’m tired of always having something to worry about. What appointment do we have this week, when’s her next surgery, when was her last feed, ugh she pulled her tube out again, she’s constipated again, when does she need her next dose of medicine, Im always thinking about when and why. And it’s exhausting.
I think the hardest part though, is feeling guilty. I have two other beautiful boys at home, who I feel don’t get as much of my attention. I always feel like I have to stop playing with them to tend to Hannah, or ship them off to grandparents when Hannah has an appointment or they get sick, or I have to go days without seeing them when we’re in the hospital. Our lives are so focused her that I feel guilty that they may miss out on something. I know it has to be this way, and so do they. But it doesn’t change how hard it is. My children are my life, and I just feel guilty I can’t always be in two places at once. I’m scared they might grow up to resent me, or Hannah.
I’m lucky I have such an amazing support system because there is absolutely no way I could do this without it. We have such a strong village standing behind us, and I am so incredibly grateful that my children know how loved they are. I know as the boys get older, they’ll understand more, I just hope they know that mama loves them just as much. Those 3 babes are my sunshine.
Being a medical mom is going days without being able to take care of yourself because you have a little one to take care of. It’s forgetting your own medicine but remembering it’s time for your child’s, it’s no sleep some nights, clothes covered in vomit, or p**p. It’s cleaning up messes from feeding tubes. It’s holding your child down for bloodwork, or vitals, or ultrasounds, or inserting feeding tubes. It’s hearing their heart shattering screams as nurses force needles in them. Hannah being deaf, although I think is beautiful about her, is also so hard. She can’t hear me when I try to comfort her. She thinks she’s being held down and tortured and her moms voice can’t soothe her. God, I hope she knows i’m there.
I met a lady the other day who kept telling me “god doesn’t ever give you more than
you can handle” and I really hope that’s true. It’s days like today, where i’m feeling overwhelmed, and scared, that I try and remember, as hard as days like today are. There is no one better for this than me. She needs me. And I’m her advocate. I’m her lifeline.
I’m a medical mom, and although this isn’t how pictured my life, I love this little girl. And I would do this 100 times over again.
To the moon and back, and around the world twice baby girl 💓