Grief & Bereavement Companion

18/12/2021

today we are talking about a holiday grief activity for grieving children that I promise is cheap and simple. Now, just so we're clear, I am the WYGer who

27/10/2021

The first time I heard this song was when a bereavement nurse was recorded singing at the bedside of an end of life care patient.

Always raises a tear 💕💕

Song by Dani and Lizzy

07/10/2021

Such a lovely read about our role as a Doula v palliative nursing, we all have our own role to play and there is definitely space to let a doula help tie the experience together, after all, we will all experience death or death of a loved one.

Northern California hospice nurse and death educator Gabby Jimenez recently made the case for adding end-of-life doulas to the hospice team, a role that in her view “could tie everything together in a way that would make death and dying a little more peaceful for everyone involved.”
As a hospice nurse as well as a death doula (also known as an end-of-life doula), Jimenez is uniquely positioned to understand the differences between the two roles, which are sometimes misunderstood, but each aimed at different aspects of end-of-life care.
Jimenez also hosts a popular page and is a Conscious Dying teacher, blogger and author.
When she’s working as a hospice nurse, Jimenez is focused on the patient’s palliative care, symptoms and illness, “My role as a nurse is to assess their symptoms, to see if there is any need for other hospice team roles (like a chaplain or social worker) and I always communicate with the doctor about medications. I would not do this as a doula. In fact, when working with private clients in my role as an end-of-life doula, I refer my clients back to their doctor for any medical questions.”
The role of the death doula is the non-medical, emotional support to the person dying and their family by being “present” for their death. Jimenez says, “In many ways, we help to choreograph their last moments in such a way that it leaves beautiful memories for everyone who is saying goodbye.” And unlike her role as a hospice nurse, as a doula she is able to continue to personally support the families beyond a loved one’s death.
Jimenez explains that an end-of-life doula cannot give medical care or medicine and does not interfere with the hospice team’s work. She says, “They are trained to respect the roles of others, knowing their own boundaries at all times, while making sure the person can die more peacefully and that their family is supported.”
Jimenez believes many patients miss out on hospice’s full palliative benefits by waiting too long to begin (though Medicare covers hospice care if a doctor says you have six months or less to live, studies say about half of the recipients receive hospice care for less than 30 days, and a fourth of patients receive seven days or less).
“Sometimes I’ll be able to see them before they get really sick and we have great conversations. Sometimes, I see them hours or minutes before they take their last breath.”
It’s worth noting that a doula is an extra expense for families since that cost is not covered by Medicare or typically by insurance, so it could be out of reach for some.
Jimenez thinks one solution to make doulas more accessible would be to train volunteers.
Whether working on a hospice team, serving as a volunteer or death doula, working as a caregiver at home or just being a caring human, Jimenez believes in — and teaches — that these three skills are essential:
Being present
Holding space
Listening
“You’ve got to slow down and take pause and understand what it must be like to die or to watch someone you love die and what that means,” she says.

07/10/2021

I have a patient who died a few days ago. During the weeks, days, and moments prior to his death, his entire team of caregivers, volunteers and even their cats, never left his side. There was not one moment that he was left alone. It offered his wife the feeling of comfort, being able to walk away w...

07/09/2021

💕 this so much 💕
The last 10 months have taught me to be so much kinder and more thankful than ever before and that's a blessing.

About three years ago I met a man and a woman, both in their 90's. She had Alzheimer’s, and she had become completely dependent on his care, of which he provided wonderfully. He bathed her, he dressed her, he got her to the table for every meal, and he fed her... while also keeping the house clean and the chores done. He cared for her impeccably until she died.

For many days and weeks after, I watched as he struggled to find purpose. His entire routine had been completely disassembled, which was hard for him. He had been in the armed forces for many years and was taught a regimen that he stayed true to all his life, and while he found himself starting over, it was that military training that helped him to move forward. She was all he had, they have no family and perhaps only a friend or two, he was suddenly very much alone.

My friend and I started checking in on him once a week, offering to do shopping or help around the house. I felt this need to do things for him, assuming he was unable. He is a very strong man, who refused any help from us physically and was determined to stay on track with housework and life responsibilities. I was in awe of his strength and determination.... but also, a little concerned for his safety. I had to learn how to be there for him on his terms, allowing him to maintain independence and keeping his dignity intact.

For the past two years he has kept his house spotless, his yard cared for, his trees trimmed, and his bills paid. I believe that if he hadn't kept going like this, he would have faded fast, and perhaps would not be celebrating his 92nd birthday today.

He reminds me every day the importance of having independence and being allowed to continue to do things on your own if able. When someone is completely unable to care for themself in any way, I do believe we must intervene, for their safety and wellbeing. But often I see families step in, probably sooner than needed, and start taking away tasks, and taking control over their lives.

I understand it is almost always with the best of intentions, but I think it is important that we be mindful of what that must feel like for them. Maybe we could start this process a little slower, not removing everything they have been doing all their lives at one time, but in pieces, and with small baby steps. Offering and asking rather than doing and taking allows them to hold on to their independence just a little longer. If they still have a voice, then I believe they should still have a choice.

"Encouraging your aging loved one to be independent can enhance his or her quality of life and cognitive, social, and physical skills."

My friend and I take turns checking in on him almost every day and we visit him several times a week. I see him becoming more fragile, and I worry about him. I welcome any opportunity to suggest he slow down, do fewer physical activities, and be more careful... but I always give him dignity, respect, and independence, because he deserves that.

Today we celebrate his 92nd birthday with a little food and some vodka :) His choice! I am thankful to have him in my life... he is always teaching me. xo

07/09/2021

What do I offer as your grief and berevement companion?
Safety and Confidentiality. My first job is to make sure that you feel secure and safe. You will never be judged on ANYTHING. All conversations between myself and any client are confidential, as are all services any client has hired me for. (Inquiries included).
Post-Loss Support: I will help you in a tragic time, by advising you of what needs to be done, and what I can do to relieve you of some of those tasks. I can handle errands that you may require, or even light house cleaning, and grocery shopping.
Respite: I will sit with your loved one so you can take care of your needs. Being a caregiver can be tiresome and it's important that you recharge so you can be there fully for your loved one and family. I will care for them while you go home to rest, shower and have a meal.
Vigiling: If you or someone you know is terminal, or nearing the end of life, I will sit vigil bedside. I will hold the space and provide comfort, and non-judgmental support, leading up to, and during the transitioning process.
Companion Care: If you have a beloved elderly individual in your life, requiring a little help around the home, appointments to be set up and reminded about, errands taken care of, such as grocery shopping or otherwise, I would love to ensure that they're looked after. If they need light cooking or baking done in their home, I'm happy to care for them that way too.
End-of-Life Planning: It is so important to make sure that you have things in place, so that your family isn't trying to figure out what your wishes might have been, if something happens to you. What does a "good death" look like to you? There are a number of things you can do early to provide your family with a little peace, so they can focus on the grieving process, rather than trying to determine what you would have wanted, and what to do next on the task list. Making sure your family understands your position can save issues later. It is never too early to plan!
Child & Adolescent Counselling: I specialize in Death & Dying, and grief related topics, but can counsel in more areas than just that. Keep in mind that grief can be caused by loss of anything, not just when a person or pet dies.
Sometimes individuals may not be able to do their errands due to a compromised immune system, or are immobile. Perhaps they are emotionally unavailable to leave their house, being too heartbroken over the passing of a loved one to face the world. I would like to let you know, that I have a service just for you. I take bookings to do your groceries and deliver them to your doorstep, or do your errands around town.
I want to be clear that I am not here to give legal advice, but to consult and assist in the planning process. My services are simply to offer comfort, peace, and direction in challenging times. Even better, my rates are reasonable. I am here to help💕

06/09/2021

✨Expected Death ~ When someone dies, the first thing to do is nothing. Don't run out and call the nurse. Don't pick up the phone. Take a deep breath and be present to the magnitude of the moment.

There's a grace to being at the bedside of someone you love as they make their transition out of this world. At the moment they take their last breath, there's an incredible sacredness in the space. The veil between the worlds opens.

We're so unprepared and untrained in how to deal with death that sometimes a kind of panic response kicks in. "They're dead!"

We knew they were going to die, so their being dead is not a surprise. It's not a problem to be solved. It's very sad, but it's not cause to panic.

If anything, their death is cause to take a deep breath, to stop, and be really present to what's happening. If you're at home, maybe put on the kettle and make a cup of tea.

Sit at the bedside and just be present to the experience in the room. What's happening for you? What might be happening for them? What other presences are here that might be supporting them on their way? Tune into all the beauty and magic.

Pausing gives your soul a chance to adjust, because no matter how prepared we are, a death is still a shock. If we kick right into "do" mode, and call 911, or call the hospice, we never get a chance to absorb the enormity of the event.

Give yourself five minutes or 10 minutes, or 15 minutes just to be. You'll never get that time back again if you don't take it now.

After that, do the smallest thing you can. Call the one person who needs to be called. Engage whatever systems need to be engaged, but engage them at the very most minimal level. Move really, really, really, slowly, because this is a period where it's easy for body and soul to get separated.

Our bodies can gallop forwards, but sometimes our souls haven't caught up. If you have an opportunity to be quiet and be present, take it. Accept and acclimatize and adjust to what's happening. Then, as the train starts rolling, and all the things that happen after a death kick in, you'll be better prepared.

You won't get a chance to catch your breath later on. You need to do it now.

Being present in the moments after death is an incredible gift to yourself, it's a gift to the people you're with, and it's a gift to the person who's just died. They're just a hair's breadth away. They're just starting their new journey in the world without a body. If you keep a calm space around their body, and in the room, they're launched in a more beautiful way. It's a service to both sides of the veil.

Credit for the beautiful words ~ Sarah Kerr, Ritual Healing Practitioner and Death Doula , Death doula
Her original video link is here ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7mG0ZAym0w

Beautiful art by Columbus Community Deathcare
Always With Love

05/09/2021

When someone dies, the first thing to do is nothing. Don't run out and call the nurse. Don't pick up the phone. Take a deep breath and be present to the magnitude of the moment.

There's a grace to being at the bedside of someone you love as they make their transition out of this world. At the moment they take their last breath, there's an incredible sacredness in the space. The veil between the worlds opens.

We're so unprepared and untrained in how to deal with death that sometimes a kind of panic response kicks in. "They're dead!"

We knew they were going to die, so their being dead is not a surprise. It's not a problem to be solved. It's very sad, but it's not cause to panic.

If anything, their death is cause to take a deep breath, to stop, and be really present to what's happening. If you're at home, maybe put on the kettle and make a cup of tea.

Sit at the bedside and just be present to the experience in the room. What's happening for you? What might be happening for them? What other presences are here that might be supporting them on their way? Tune into all the beauty and magic.

Pausing gives your soul a chance to adjust, because no matter how prepared we are, a death is still a shock. If we kick right into "do" mode, and call 911, or call the hospice, we never get a chance to absorb the enormity of the event.

Give yourself five minutes or 10 minutes, or 15 minutes just to be. You'll never get that time back again if you don't take it now.

After that, do the smallest thing you can. Call the one person who needs to be called. Engage whatever systems need to be engaged, but engage them at the very most minimal level. Move really, really, really, slowly, because this is a period where it's easy for body and soul to get separated.

Our bodies can gallop forwards, but sometimes our souls haven't caught up. If you have an opportunity to be quiet and be present, take it. Accept and acclimatize and adjust to what's happening. Then, as the train starts rolling, and all the things that happen after a death kick in, you'll be better prepared.

You won't get a chance to catch your breath later on. You need to do it now.

Being present in the moments after death is an incredible gift to yourself, it's a gift to the people you're with, and it's a gift to the person who's just died. They're just a hair's breath away. They're just starting their new journey in the world without a body. If you keep a calm space around their body, and in the room, they're launched in a more beautiful way. It's a service to both sides of the veil.

Sarah Kerr, Death Doula

05/09/2021

Try not to judge others 💕

In this time of so much controversy, so many personal opinions differ, and while some keep it to themselves, others are quite vocal. How do we handle that in our daily life? I was talking with a friend the other day, a friend I have had for many years, and while I have heard her off color comments b...

05/09/2021

Such a lovely and true read

How much time do we have? Where did the time go? I wish we could go back in time. Remember that time? Time is on my side… time is not on my side. One more time… I wish I had one more time. Time waits for no one. Time flies. Wasted time. Time well spent. Time is money. Precious time. The trouble ...

05/09/2021

Just so you know, it's ok 💘

01/09/2021

The Five Senses

Something I teach in my classes, and focus on relative to caring for someone who is dying, is paying attention to the person who is lying in that bed and what they hear, see, smell, feel and taste.
Imagine if we paid closer attention to these things and what a difference it might make for someone who is dying.

I always think about what they can see from their bed, such as photos, art work, flowers, or outside a window... What if you moved their bed so they can see out the window, or made sure fresh flowers were in a vase and all their favorite people were in frames next to their bed...

I think about their pillows, their blankets and their clothing... is it soft, is it scratchy, is it cozy? How can you change that for them?

What do they hear as they lay in that bed, day after day? Do they hear someone else talking, or whispering (which is worse), someone else's music choices, or the tapping of fingers on a cell phone? What if you simply put on music they enjoyed, or opened a window so they can hear birds, or even children playing?

What are they tasting? Is their mouth dry? Because if so, it would make everything else bitter and not very enjoyable. What if you moistened their mouth and offered strawberries or watermelon?

What do they smell? Did you light your favorite candle or put your infuser on blast? Do they like that? Did they ask for that? What if they struggle with smells and are silently struggling and unable to tell you?

If someone is lying in a bed, whether they are sick or it is the end of their life... tap into their five senses to help make them a little more comfortable. While they still have a voice, ask them what they would want. I believe that all human beings deserve this.

xo
Gabby
❤

26/08/2021

Love vs. Loved

Have you ever noticed that when someone dies, people tend to refer to them as someone you once loved? I have been thinking about this a lot. If I hear of someone who had a recent death in their life, I reach out to them and I will usually say something along the lines of... "I am sending comfort to all who love him."

My friend, who lost her sister recently told me how much she appreciated that I said love, instead of loved. Just because someone dies, does not mean your love dies too.

No matter if the death is recent or a few weeks, months or years later... for the person who is grieving, it is and always will be someone they love.

xo
Gabby
❤