13/06/2024
A SENSE OF EDGE-NESS
What is it to strive? We are compelled forward by a sense of intrigue, of curiosity, of wonder, about a myriad of different things. The ideas or prospects that inspire me, that move the spirit within, are completely different to, well everyone, even though there are overlaps with a small group of others within certain circles. �But the point is, there is a unique orientation to each of our directions in life. And what strikes me is just that, and it is a commonly understood feature of living.
So, we move forwards, whatever forwards mean in relation to our own experience. And as the momentum builds it begins to push us in new directions, towards experiences and challenges we couldn’t of even conceived earlier on.
My experience has been one of lighting the way on my own path to self-discovery. Recognising the cliche nature of such a statement, it has indeed been and continues to be process of finding the next step, and well, really building the path as I go.
All of the analogies that become cliches are so because they exist as archetypal experiences. There is a universality to the concept of a journey, to that of a path, a voyage and so on. And really, to be striving forward in conscious endeavour of our own purpose is analogous to being at sea, orienting your vessel to the stars (or the heavens, as many cultures believed), and steering in good faith and trust they will lead you where you need to go.
At present, I’m feeling vulnerable. It’s a new career, a new direction, a new way of being, and I don’t have an adopted identity to hide behind, because I am guided by my own heart, I have begun playing the game as myself, rather than an avatar. And that is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. This time it’s for real. ��There is a convenience to pretending to be someone I’m not, or even more specifically, to suppressing the part of me that is really me. If I was to fail at being someone I’m not, it still hurts, but deep down I know that I didn’t really show up as all of Me. I stashed some chips off the table. I kept some for myself, hid it deep, buried beneath layers of identity so deep even I don’t know what’s down there. But what I do know is that it’s safe, tucked away, and if I fail or fall short of the mark, I can hide behind the guise of the identity you’ve constructed. ��So now, here I am, living with an ambition toward authenticity, in conscious awareness of the work that needs doing in each and every moment to maintain this balance.
But the driving point of this whole ramble is just this sensation I have, when I feel the vertiginous drop away either side of my path, I realise that in striking out on a new journey, I am really departing from safety, from comfort, from the known and the reliable. I am guided by a star, a distant peak, a sense in my gut, a feeling, an intuition. My willingness to follow those guides comes down to belief, to faith, to willingness, trust. All of which feed the flame that lights my way, that enables me to see the next step, and the next step is all I need to see.
A teacher once told me that the difference between your ego guidance and your soul-guidance is this, the ego will show you the entire path to the peak, it will outline the distance and time between each stage, how much you will achieve and how much you will be rewarded for your efforts, and appeases the reductionist left-brain mind. Soul-guidance is different. It will show you the peak, as if it appears for a moment between the clouds, glistening in golden light and invigorating you with passion and drive, right before it disappears again, and the way obscured. Then, should you be courageous enough to seek out this hidden peak of the soul, you won’t be shown the whole way, just THE NEXT STEP.
This is a condition of the universe, of creation, of unlimited potential, in that it all exists in the as-yet-unknown. We cannot know what hasn’t been created, because everything we know is based on what HAS been created. Our perception of the future gets tethered to our memory of the past. Hence, uncertainty is a prerequisite to novelty, and vice-versa. One begets the other.
So, in selfish benevolence, I have shared this writing as a means of extracting from my own mind that which perturbs me at this moment. For I am resisting the uncertain, seeking to identify the peak behind the clouds, rather than doing what I should, and really the only thing I can do, which is focus on the very next step, and move forward in trust, keeping that delicate flame of inner guidance burning just bright enough to light the way until I reach the peak, only to beckoned further by the horizon of opportunity that awaits me there.
And so it goes.