10/05/2021
If every time I say, "I hurt," you tell me that I brought it on myself, or other people have it worse than me, or that I just need to look on the bright side, it's not going to make my grief go away. It's going to make me stop talking about it.
"Look at all the good you have around you."
Gratitude does not work like that.
This idea that appreciating what you've got is the antidote for the pain of what you're missing, that is a central fallacy. Gratitude and grief don't cancel each other out. They exist side by side.
I can be thankful that the air quality is such that I can breathe without having to think about it. I can be thankful that the sun is exactly enough million, trillion miles away that I am warm but not incinerated. That doesn't mean that my pain goes away.
One of the challenges here is that we think that if you're sad, you can't also be happy. They don't cancel each other out.
We are complex beings. You can have a big deep sadness and be having the best day ever, at the same time. The coolness of being human is that we don't have to choose just one thing at any time.
Don't encourage someone to have gratitude for the good things that still exist. Good things and horrible things occupy the same space. Instead, mirror their reality back to them.
One of the really cool things about this is that we can practice it in our everyday lives - which helps us build the skills we need to help each other in our worst and hardest moments.
The next time you hear someone make a statement of pain, I want you to notice your impulse to jump in and make it better for them.
Learn to notice your impulse to fix it or make it better and then don’t do that. Instead, mirror their reality back to them. When they say, "This entirely sucks," say, "Yes, it does."
It's amazing how much that helps.
