Under the surface

17/07/2018

Hey my friends,

I thought it’s time for a post again, it’s been a while.

First of all, an explanation about the photo I posted with this post. It’s to me something like the light at the end of a tunnel – Hope in the dark, the knowledge that there is a bright side and a dark side to everything, and that those sides are not necessarily good or bad. They become either only by the viewpoint of the onlooker.

Warning, this might be a rather long post though.

This whole invisible illness awareness project is about people! About people who “hide” a certain part of themselves, either by choice, by being forced to, or simply because this part is generally not visible, so why changing it…

As this project progresses (yes it still does), I noticed, and was actually rather shocked, how many people suffer from various issues, illnesses, whatever you want to call it.

I also noticed, that the wide society, and that includes people who should know better, seems to ignore those issues.

During interviews with potential candidates for this project, I came across things like:

“I can’t go public with A-B-C, because if my company finds out, I might get into trouble”

Or:

“I can’t go public with this, as my insurance might cancel a specific service”

Well, I can relate to that, but that doesn’t mean I have to understand it – and I don’t (I do understand the fear though).

The first statement is actually pointing out that people seem to be discriminated because of a certain health issue – which is illegal in this country to my knowledge.

The second statement is something I experienced myself. Being honest to an insurance company about me having alcohol issues more than two decades ago (and being sober ever since), pushed me into a situation where they didn’t want to extend the cover to depression.

Well, now I suffer from depression, which is one of the most common conditions with all its varieties. Not being able to treat it properly (counselling isn’t cheap), I’m left to my own devices and some prescriptions which won’t fix the cause, and in the end leave me rather un-productive.

Our society still lives this “harden up” approach – Well, I think this is a sad relic of the past.
Clinical depression is a mental health issue, acknowledged as such since years, dangerous by itself, and even more dangerous if it emerges due to other health issues like cancer, MS etc.

The su***de rate here in NZ should show us HOW dangerous this actually is. Still many persist on this “harden up” or “swallow a pill and carry on” approach – Until they get struck themselves, and suddenly see the flipside of the coin...

The flipside looks a bit like this:

It’s a sad thing, when you have an actual good day, but this good day feels bad, because you can’t stop thinking about all the negative things. You know, something like me going out, taking photos of some glorious sunset, and keeping the thoughts on things like “my car needs wof”, “my rent is due”, “my camera needs service”… Those things aren’t really negative, they are part of one’s everyday life. At least for a healthy person. A depressed person won’t stop thinking about those things like threats, and they can’t even stop those thoughts when they sleep, when they should recover. A depressed person does not necessarily have more of those everyday issues than anybody else, but depression distorts their view to a very extreme point. Those everyday issues seem suddenly overwhelming, attracting the whole focus of that person – So I lose sight of the beautiful sunset and overthink those everyday problems, great day becomes bad day all of a sudden.

The irony is, most depressed people know exactly what is going on with them. They know they’re depressed, they know they overthink, they know they see the glass half empty rather than half full. They just can’t stop thinking those negative thoughts.

It’s a focus problem. As a photographer, I should be more than familiar with focus problems. But in photography it’s easier to handle those.

I was thinking a lot, if it’s appropriate to write such a post, as this page is meant to help everyone who wants to, not just for me offloading. It also reveals parts of myself which are usually hidden to the general public.

But I’m also thinking, showing that one can reveal more of oneself, can have a healing effect. It certainly has on me. And if someone reads this and finds themselves in this, and might even get a push to the positive side of life, then it’s certainly worth it.

I want to do some more photo shootings in this direction again, and your stories might be just what helps at least one other person. I know it’s slow going, but I have to fit all this into “everyday life”, and there is no financial gain out of this, so please be patient, write to me if you’re interested in doing some work with me, help yourself or even others with your stories, and I will keep this project alive.

There is no easy way out of depression, and there is no way out at all for some other diseases, keep that in mind.

15/04/2018

And here something related, coming from the UK. This is a global issue...

Theresa May MP: Reform PIP; invisible illnesses sufferers are NOT being treated fairly

16/08/2017

Sam's story...

"Marcel" is pictured by Heston

"The thing that is hardest is that sometimes even usually, there isn't an issue. Or maybe something's not quite right, or it's just being tired, or a strain, or a cold, or maybe age? When it hits though, after the body audit and the checking, then you know he's back. There are names, episode, incident, attack, I think of the name Marcel. When Marcel calls it's both annoying and frightening, is the visit in progress, or over? How long will this one take to leave? What will I do? What work-arounds, excuses, changes will be needed? Dr Deb, the neurological specialist, one of New Zealand's experts told me there may be no reason for Marcel to make a serious visit ever again. Well she didn't exactly say that, what she said was eat well, sleep well, get some exercise, don't get stressed and there may never be another attack ever. Others have lived their lives with only minor episodes.

But Marcel is still here, he has talked to the insurance companies and told them he will get me, so they don't like me and don't want my money. Occasionally I get a pins and needles feeling on my head, or in my arm, always on the right, and I feel a little numb for a few days, or weak on the right, or I drop things or I limp.

Oftentimes I need to sleep more. But that and eating well and walking a bit is all right. It hasn't affected my work since the first visit. I do get tired, but that may not be his fault.

Most people never see Marcel, I've always been clumsy and I've only known him for 5 years. And really I'm very lucky, I'm not progressing with Marcel, I'm relapsing remitting. Marcel, when he comes, visits and leaves. Many people think he's not real as they've never met him and never seen him with anyone. The first time I was paralysed all down my right side. I couldn't walk properly or stand, or shower, or write. Marcel or MarSel (closer to his real name) hit me for three weeks very hard. Then I met Dr Deb, and we took blood from my spine and I had an MRI and she said, "There's no doubt in my mind, this is MS". Maybe he came because of the stress of the quakes, as no one in my family has met him, so physical and emotional stress may have been his first beacon. That's how I met Marcel, but I think sometimes he's there somewhere in the background, wanting to hit me, but has kept his distance for 4 plus years. I am lucky, he's like an earthquake or a robber, or a plague who comes like a curse in the night. And he's not a tumour or cancer so I've always felt blessed that it wasn't worse.

He mainly visits women, well 75% of his friends are female. He loves people from the south, so if you live in Kerikeri you're very unlikely to meet him, but Invercargill or Dunedin you will know one of the people he stalks.

I wish insurance people would understand Marcel isn't a death nell, for me, nor am I aware of him. The same is true for many others he knows, but like a sometimes reoccurring cold. And although I know him, my mind is quick, and according to Dr Deb I am unlikely to be affected again. Well maybe minor things. Truth is with so little research funded and that older woman and people in the south are usually the victims, it seems to have been ignored. It's not a glamour disease, we really don't know much about the cause. Some people are progressing and they need our love, our understanding and donations to the neurological researchers (who really are world leading in NZ).

The Chinese say (Tao Te Ching)that no disease equals a short life, one disease a long life, and that is about if you know you have something you can watch it and yourself, but if you don't know you could just be struck down.
I watch what I eat, I sleep more, I walk a lot and I listen to my body.

This image is more immediate than I usually feel he is, he is smaller and more creeping in the shadows and watching, this does show the menace waiting and this nasty presence is MS for many people - it can watch and wait making small or severe strikes when it can, some nasty, some painful and often heartbreaking."

19/07/2017

Something that really scares me

Warning: This article is about youth su***de and may be distressing for some.

25/05/2017

"Two beings"

My name is Heston, I have struggled through depression since my late teens.
This is an invisible illness, as those suffering, usually hide the turmoil they are in and the constant burden they carry.
People see me as a normal, happy everyday person..., but in my heart, the pain is ever so severe, pushing me down all the time.
I found that one way to help me cope with this illness is my perseverance to train, play sports and be a part of self-defence classes. Without these activities in my life, I would probably be more lost in my path than I am today.
I wouldn't say I have completely recovered because life always throws curveballs, however, it is within ones courage and strength, that they can accept what has dwelled upon them and eventually, overcome it. For me this is a way to channel my life, and my thoughts in a positive direction.
This photograph represents the very essence of my hidden struggle and false impression, of how I really feel, and what I show to the outside world. It shows both main aspects of my personality. The outer, visible being, riding on top, shows my false happiness and fulfilment. The inner me, straining below, shows the true pain and struggle of my true self and what is happening to me at the same time.

Model: Heston Hawe
Photography: Werner Kaffl
Art Director: Werner Kaffl
Many thanks to Snap Fitness Wellington for allowing us to shoot in their Studio.

18/05/2017

"Dancing with Death"

You become aware of dying, of death as a tangible thing that could happen to you. You become aware of how fragile your health is, that though you feel fine, something deadly could just come out of nowhere. You become aware of living, of time wasted on idleness and unhappiness, of dreams not achieved, of feelings not expressed, and potential not reached. It’s undeniable that everyone will die eventually. Some sooner than later. And I am not exempt. Having cancer has brought this closer to home for me. My death at some point is inevitable. I might die in a fiery accident tomorrow, or this cancer demon might decide to pursue me relentlessly into an early grave.

Model: Amy Oakes
Second model: Sam Hogg
Photography: Werner Kaffl
Art Director: Sophia Sparks
Makeup: Amy Oakes
Producer: Werner Kaffl Photography

10/05/2017

"Love"
My name is Eva McGauley. I’m 17 and have been battling cancer for the last two years. Sadly the treatments have not worked and now anything we do medically will only delay the inevitable. It’s been hard. It’s been bloody hard on me and my loved ones. They are the most important people in my life. They are my world and I theres and the knowledge of what the future holds for us is terrifying. Despite this however I am still a happy person dedicated to what I believe in and fighting for what's right. It’s my loved ones that give me the strength to do this and they always have starting long before the cancer. I grew up with a single mother and though I am close with my father he lives overseas so growing up I pretty much had four parents. My mum, my grandma, my great aunt and my godfather. They all dedicated themselves to me and I consider myself extremely lucky to have literally never had a second of my life where I didn't know I was loved. So that’s why I chose them for the photo (my mum was away so she isn’t in the shot however,) I also chose my best friend Anya who I consider family. When the photographer Werner asked me where my favourite place in Wellington was and what my favourite thing to do is he expected “the waterfront!” Or “laughing with friends!” But I thought about it for a second before responding “my house! And being with Gams (my grandmother,) Yarb (my great aunt,) Deco (my godfather,) Mama and Anya! (My best friend.) So that’s exactly what we did. It was a great day and we all loved the new experience.

Additional to this Photo, Eva has a Project of her own:
https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/evaswish

Model: Eva McGauley
Photography: Werner Kaffl
Art Director: Sophia Sparks
Makeup: Mira-Grace Krishnan