08/06/2020
To all you mamas...
This photo I made of myself pregnant in 2011 was shared today on the Internet and I hadn’t seen it in a while! It made me smile. I miss that girl, so very free and wild, unaware of how her heart would expand by becoming a mother and how I would feel the darkest of my days in postpartum depression, a depression that never did fully leave me. I felt so powerful when I was pregnant. Witnessing/feeling a human grow inside of my body was life altering and scary and beautiful. I was sick the entire time, I made an art of vomiting where ever I happened to be, I did it with style 😂. In fact I was throwing up while I was in labor! But I felt bad ass in a way I never had or have since with that human under my skin and heart. Wow.
I remember thinking of this phrase, I’m crafty I make people, and it was the first time in my life I actually felt proud of myself for simply being myself! Making a human I was certain my body would not be able to do for many reasons, mostly cuz I had lived most of my life treating my body as an enemy and not a friend. Always wishing she was thinner with flat abs, always chasing some diet that promised miricales and ate up my hard earned cash. But my body? She showed me something incredible.
I miss this freer wild version of myself, but let me be clear, I am proud as hell of the woman I have become over the last 8 years. I have survived so much and every day I strive to thrive, and that means honoring the dark days with resting and tears and celebrating the cloudless days where I have energy and a clear mind! It’s all gorgeous. Cuz I’m still here, and that is a miracle against so many odds and that couldn’t be more damn beautiful.