22/01/2024
Don't let social media fool you into thinking we don't all spend time in dark places and have pain....
Trying to sit with the darkness and pain that pretty much pervades my life in the background, and to love it, is something I've been practicing for a long time. Trying not to push it away (because I know that doesn't work), or wish it was different or that it would 'heal'. Because the thing is, with those parts that hurt and that I wish would be gone, they actually need love, to be seen and felt; they are part of me too.
This is probably my hardest and most long-standing lesson. Self-acceptance.
That phrase gets thrown about a bit, but it doesn't just mean aceept who you are on the surface, who you show the world you are, it means accept, know and love ALL of you and all of what is here RIGHT NOW.
Personally for me this has been a real challenging journey and still is. I feel A LOT, so that means joy for me is huge and my heart opens to the beauty of life all-day every day - I LOVE everything as you may have noticed 😜 This super power of sensitivity also means I feel everything, so I feel the parts of me hurting that I've been told over my life aren't what people want, or the pain from trauma that I wasn't able to feel at the time, and so protectively my psyche and body stored it somewhere deep down.
In amongst all that there is also a very critical voice within. When this is all mixed with chronic illness (it's all linked), it reveals the depth and strength that I've built into this dark mindset over the years. I don't know if being unwell made it stronger as it had a point of focus to try to fix and to critique a lot, or whether this was always like this and actually it's led me to illness; I suspect the latter.
Last night, in yet another dark night of the soul, in tremendous emotional anguish and physical tension, constipation, weakness, deep fatigue, headache, acid reflux, bloating - I was feeling like I would explode, literally and emotionally, with all the going over and over what I did wrong, what I ate to feel like this, what I could do better, questioning why I'm still unwell and keep crashing again, berating myself for doing too much...
So, I just surrendered. I couldnt hold on to all the pieces any longer, and so I gave up holding and pushing away. I decided to just let go into this pain and feel it all. I started noticing the grief in my throat and lungs were tightness and a lump. My hardened solar plexus and gargling tummy was awash with movement and energy, I felt into it instead of hating it and wishing it away. My jaw and head were pounding, I asked it how it felt and went into the pain with a curiosity of what colour, shape it was and what it needed. I felt it all, I let it in, the Stories that came with it all, I let them wash over me, I felt them. I was hurt a lot, I made poor choices, I let myself be abused, I didn't speak up at times, even still, and the loss, the loneliness and abandonment. I welcomed it. This wasn't easy, but actually in that moment of overwhelm, there was/is nothing else to do, but welcome it in and lie there with it all, with presence and love, as if I was with a loved one and consoling them. I hugged myself, I let myself cry and sound out. I let me belly relax and be bloated. Instead of wishing it all away (when has that ever worked), I did the opposite, I didn't fight it and somehow then what arose was gratitude to be able to feel it all and I thanked it for arising.
It sounds crazy to explore pain of any sort, but we dont ever get rid of pain by pushing it away, we have to go through it. We have to feel it, get present with it. It's the only way.
We ask, how do I get through this pain? You go through it. It's even there in the question! To get through it, that can't be done if we push it down, leave it at a distance, act it out on others, ignore it. We have to go THROUGH.
And then, amidst all the being with my current experience, all of a sudden, the most incredible peace filled my whole being. Energy rushed up my spine and made my whole body tingle over and over. I'd felt this before, many times, but every time it surprises me.
Right into the deepest part of self loathing and critiquing and pain, instead of pushing that away and trying to have things some other way, acceptance and surrender allow in peace. The energy of pain, transmutes into love and joy. My whole body felt light, I wasn't holding tension anymore, I wasnt creating it, it had all turned to pleasure. Even my head felt light and full of good tingles.
I fell asleep holding myself and awash with bliss. I slept for 12 hours and woke up feeling lighter than I have in a long time. Not the usual morning dread I often have, instead a sense of being OK with how things are.
I'm not saying that's it, it's all healed, but the difference is, I know it doesn't need to all be healed, in time I'll be in the dark night again, and each time, if I can remember, I welcome it. Because each time we feel into the darkness, and experience all the grief and loss and hate, we integrate more of ourselves, we become more whole. Yes we release the energy so it moves on, but we also know those things that hurt us, that critical voice hasn't just left, it's all still there, but now maybe we can see it and offer it love, instead of it taking over us. We can return each time more and more to who we are. And to me, that sounds great, and feels great.
Learning to love and accept all of ourselves, being in the darkness with all the things we wish weren't there, we wish didn't happen, we wish weren't like that, and truly seeing them and feeling them, is the greatest gift we give ourselves. To know we don't need to change, we are right where we're meant to be, we just need to learn to remember that truth ❤️
