10/08/2020
It is hard with cancer and chronically diseases to see someone as whole, healthy and happy. I can remember all the looks of pity that I would get out at the store, at school, and just simply being out in public. I can vividly remember an acquaintance saying to me, “ewww you still have your port in.”
I so desperately wanted people to see me the way I saw myself and for loved ones not to treat me differently. I get that it’s hard to do, because it was hard for me. It took time for me to see myself the way I do today.
As I embarked on my healing journey with cancer I realized that it does not matter how others saw me. I have no control over other people, but I do have control over the way I saw myself, the way I treated myself and the conversations I had with myself. I could not let the looks of sadness and pity stop me from living my life.
As I slowly started to walk my path I went from feeling only the “what you see” emotions to feeling both emotions to primarily feeling the “what you don’t see emotions. It has been a year of healing through learning, unlearning, growing, patience,kindness and just being.
I had to give myself the space to move through each of my emotions with gentleness and compassion. To learn that I can feel multiple emotions at once and that’s okay if they are complete opposites. To know that everyday will be different but that I am me and proud of who I am after cancer.
When I look at myself in the mirror I see myself as empowered, beautiful, whole, healthy, funny, loving, sensual, passionate and strong. Even if others do not see me in that light it doesn’t matter because I do!
Remember healing is a journey that takes time, is messy and is not linear. We as people are constantly healing, unlearning, learning , and growing. Be kind, gentle, compassionate, playful, and loving to yourself on your personal journey. Where you are is great and where you are going is beautiful! It doesn’t matter how others see you,all that matters is how you see yourself!
