18/09/2022
This may sound like "me, me, me" but it is a self-reflection. It is about my facts but intended to inspire you to do a similar exercise. It is a bit long, please be patient.
SELF-REFLECTION. HAS MY LIFE BEEN WORTH IT?
One cloudy day just like the days we all have from time to time, I was wondering / doubting if my life had been worth living. Had I accomplished any of my pre-teen age dreams? Had I failed myself miserably?
I started with an inventory of my main wishes when I was becoming an adult.
When I was about 9-11 years old, I badly wanted to be:
• Good looking / attractive
• Tall and strong
• Famous singer
• Soccer star
• Top chess player
• Great guitar player
• Filthy rich
Later in life, after an illness, I added a few more:
• Accomplished writer
• Famous speaker
• Effective Psychotherapist
Precisely at the time of starting this inventory, I was in a rehab hospital, so had lost of times for reflection.
R E S U L T S
• Good looking / attractive
In good days I can recollect complements and positive experiences, and smile for hours. In bad days, negative memories go incessantly through my head. Fortunately, this is one we don’t have much control over. The mirror does not help, but slowly with the years, we became friends. Still trying to be friends with the elevator mirrors, though. Additionally, very wise people state that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Why no one told me this 40 years ago?
• Tall and strong
At the senior’s section of the gym, I feel strong and powerful. On the other section, there are big, muscular, and well-defined guys showing off, and also small, tiny guys trying to choose the right dumbbell. For the tall part, I am taller than my mom and aunts and shorter than the teenagers of these days. I also try to avoid standing next to Europeans.
• Famous singer
Honestly, I have a great voice when alone and in the dark. But it is hard to become famous that way.
• Soccer star
I tried with the university and several local leagues, but no one saw my potential. Or perhaps they saw the potential and that’s why I was never chosen. But I played until my doctor recommended to stop after brain surgery and enjoyed it very much.
• Top chess player
Have been playing for many years. I get bored studying strategy and openings; I rather just play. My ELO rating increases effortless for weeks, and suddenly drops to embarrassing levels. Sometimes I feel truly gifted, and other times like an idiot. How didn’t I see that move coming?
• Great guitar player
Classical guitar is my artistic thing. I taught myself to play and read music. After painfully slow hundreds of repetitions, I finally got to play some beautiful pieces. After suffering the difficulties of reading standard music and memorizing line by line for years, I discovered the tablature notation. What a discovery! For classical players, it is sort of a blasphemy, but for me it has been like the discovery of the wheel. Lately, I have been playing some pieces which I never dreamed of being able to play. Of course, there are thousands of people posting YouTube videos that sound immensely better than me, but I used them for encouragement and to find easier left-hand fi*****ng. Often, I have the secret hope that after changing strings I will sound like David Russell. And I probably sound like him………… singing.
• Filthy rich
I did not reach my first million before the age of 30 as I hoped. In fact, I have been postponing that goal for decades. With a bit of a stretch, I could buy most of the things I desire. Not wishing to have a yacht, a private jet, or a mansion, certainly helps to maintain this statement. Certain things I buy would seem eccentric and unnecessary to some, though. I might need to use a credit line, but I could buy a Rolex or a convertible if I truly wanted. I kind of live from paycheck to paycheck but it is a good life. Sometimes money is tighter; sometimes I can afford a little luxury. I am not rich and will probably never be, but I don’t need to be rich.
• Accomplished writer
I completed a manuscript and sent it to dozens of publishers with no positive response. The only option left was to self-publish. The royalties would never buy me a convertible (good thing I don’t want one). It feels good though. Re-reading the chapters makes me feel very satisfied. I have started many articles and essays (I had the idea of this one about 6 years ago) and have shared some with many people. The feedback is refreshing. No one has told me so far that my writing sucks. (I ask only nice people)
• Famous speaker
Have done some public speaking and love it. Not may people know about it though. But it does not matter. Standing in front of crowds to speak in a language different than my native tongue, is something that never crossed mi mind during my pre-teen days. I am not an accomplished speaker but love doing it, and don’t feel too anxious about it anymore.
• Effective Psychotherapist
Perhaps I picked this interest a bit late in life. I have completed an important academic milestone but have not decided what to do with it. I love the subject, the discussions, the research, and the challenges. What is left on the path of this career is long, complicated, and expensive. But maybe this is the perfect excuse to leave it halfway and keep it as a hobby.
In all these categories (please include your own and give it a try), we could explore deeper to see where we sit compared to the rest of the world. We could design surveys and research inventories, manipulate the samples to support or dismiss a prediction or self-perception. If we really wanted, these statistics could have big numbers in our favour or against. The truth is that in each one of the classifications we can find thousands of people above, and thousands below our level. What is important is how to interpret these numbers or hard facts.
The key word is perspective. We can see the results as objectively or subjectively as we want, depending on how we wish to feel.
In my case, when feeling a bit down I can use the facts to gain confidence and reinforce my strengths. They can help me recognize my inner power and highlight the qualities that perhaps others don’t know about. My reading of the resulting facts can provide my self-assurance with a boost in times of need.
If I need to justify a su***de note, there is plenty of material too. I could use these figures in a way that everybody would understand my decision. In fact, they would wonder what took me so long.
But is this what I want? Why would I do this to myself? It’s ironic that on occasions we complain about how other people treat us but don’t realize that occasionally we do worse to ourselves.
After all this, I came to a happy conclusion. I haven’t failed myself at all. My life has been full of mistakes and setbacks, but also of joyful and flourishing moments. And I have the power to decide which ones are more prominent. Keeping my existence in the light or in the dark is up to me.
