Rainbows and Rabbit Holes

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Rainbows and Rabbit Holes Diagnosed w/ PTSD, anxiety, & depression. This is my story of Post traumatic growth & how to thrive.

14/06/2024
As a medic when we would do extrication classes, one of the things the instructors would tell us is what we were doing (...
17/07/2023

As a medic when we would do extrication classes, one of the things the instructors would tell us is what we were doing (cutting, spreading, etc) was not working, you can't keep trying the same thing over and over expecting something different to happen. You have to try something new. Funny how cutting on cars can apply to our mental health.

ROLLERCOASTERS:  I'm 6 years into my journey of growth after being diagnosed with PTSD.  I have learned a lot during tho...
26/01/2023

ROLLERCOASTERS: I'm 6 years into my journey of growth after being diagnosed with PTSD. I have learned a lot during those years. I've learned that I am responsible ONLY for my actions, and I am the ONLY one that is responsible for my mental wellbeing. People in your path will claim to have your interest at heart only for it to be revealed that it was for their benefit overall, not yours. People in your path will try and make you believe that it's your fault that things are like they are. They are quick to give excuses for their behavior. One side of the story gets told because if they told the whole story it would expose some things that would either cause them to have to take responsibility or they would be the villain in their own story instead of the victim. Being pulled into that puts you on an emotional rollercoaster. I have now started back with the panic attacks that wake me during the night. I have showed up with a purpose for the last few years. My intent has been to be of help, to lessen any overwhelming situation, only to be met with foolishness and mockery. All of the things that I have "preached", I now need to put into practice. The rollercoaster now becomes an internal event. Weighing back and forth, what do I have to lose? What do I have to gain? When the scales tip toward more loss than gain, it becomes apparent what needs to happen. My "loss" will be grieved. However, my "gain" will be celebrated! People will disrupt your peace if you allow them to. I had someone ask me, "aren't you afraid of what they will say about you when you put up (healthy) borders? " My answer is simply that they will continue the conversations that have been spoken for years, the difference is now, that my energy spent will now be spent on myself. I am the only one responsible for my peace.

LAST RIDE:  Daddy fought his cancer for 12 years.  The one thing that he talked about a lot was that he wished he could ...
13/12/2022

LAST RIDE: Daddy fought his cancer for 12 years. The one thing that he talked about a lot was that he wished he could go out and ride a horse again. The shenanigans that the boys (his twin and some of the other boys he hung out with) would get in usually always had some involvement with horses when they grew up. They "boys" would ride different places in town (where the Walmart is now and back behind Parkwood Cir seemed to be the popular places) and camp. P*e Wee (dads identical twin) said they even had a makeshift corral for the horses to stay in while they camped. Word around town was there wasn't a horse the Valentine boys couldn't ride. We were even hearing those stories after he passed. We heard the story about the "candyman" 3 different times. It was a story that was funny, but also reinforced how poor they were. Daddy was a simple man. The song "Daddy never was a Cadillac kind" would always come to mind. Daddy wasn't about the things that "glittered and shined". However, he longed to ride again. I think that in this instance, he wouldn't have minded the fuss. Daddy was given his last ride. Several of us kids joked about how dad would have come out of that box and tried to ride the horse. For a man that spent a good portion of his life loving horses, it was a good way for us to remember him. Daddy got his last ride yesterday.

UNSTUCK.  Last night was your last night here on earth.  We prayed for healing with our limited understanding of things....
09/12/2022

UNSTUCK. Last night was your last night here on earth. We prayed for healing with our limited understanding of things. I know that you are now healed far beyond anything I can imagine. I prayed for the Lord to take you so that we could begin healing. My prayers were answered. Conflict within our souls is often difficult to contain when we experience a vast amount of conflicting emotions at once. The two main ones I have now are both sadness and joy for you and pain for mom. Last night, her status changed. Last night, she went from "married" to a "widow". The word by itself suggests loneliness / alone (at least to me). Last night, I could hear her calling out to you - there was no answer. The house has a kinda eerie quietness to it. Not necessarily in a bad way, but certainly different. Today turns a page in all of our lives. You touched each of us in different ways. The one thing we have is all of the good memories. The double dates with you and mom, all of the animal memories - whether it was the horses, deer, zoo animals, etc. You are in good hands now. Mom will be taken care of.

STUCK!  It's been 4 days since they called in Hospice.  4 days ago you were able to bear weight and walk short distances...
08/12/2022

STUCK! It's been 4 days since they called in Hospice. 4 days ago you were able to bear weight and walk short distances with assistance. Last night you cannot even stand on your own. "Comfort measures": for you - no pain. For us, a chance to say goodbye, regardless of your mental state. We can feel good that we have had an opportunity to say goodbye - but do you understand the conversations? Do you recognize us when we walk into the room and call your name and tell you we love you? All of this sucks! My memories are of a man that was never a big man in statue, but you were strong as an ox! I always bragged on your strength and told the story of you fussing at us youngens for not stacking hay quicker than you were throwing the square bales to us in the loft. So this shell of a person conflicts with all the memories that almost make it seem unreal - but it is. You are having problems communicating with us. Your gaze is becoming more fixated. Do you really understand when we walk into the room to say hello, who it is and why we are here? You said many times that you were ready to go. Do you know that you are dying? I see you reaching out into thin air - like you're reaching for something or motioning for something. I hear you call my name only to find out when I get by your side that you are not cognitive that I am beside you. My mind replays you calling me. I recognize that tone and wonder if those are the "hallucinations" (or memories) that people have prior to dying. Are we breaking one of the horses? Are we working on some chore? Did you see a deer out in the back yard and calling me so that I can see it too? Or is it more than that? Are you now seeing streets of gold? Are you seeing people who passed before you? Now that your time is closing in, do you still have the "want" to go? I feel stuck. I want so much for you - some selfish - but some not. I know I'll miss you - but you're still here - and I miss who you are in my memories. Waiting for a call so that I have the "permission" to work through the grief - but you're still here. Waiting for you to take your last breath, but you're still breathing. I feel "stuck". My prayer is that the Lord takes you so that I can process not having you here - while you are here. Its conflicting!

Grieving before they're gone.  Today we put daddy on Hospice.  He has fought a long and hard battle with cancer for the ...
06/12/2022

Grieving before they're gone. Today we put daddy on Hospice. He has fought a long and hard battle with cancer for the past 12 years. He has said multiple times over the past few days that he is tired of hurting and tired of the pain. Today, they stopped the chemo, his body showing the wear and tear of years of fighting. Daddy always was a warrior. As tears of sadness have already begun and I'm sure will continue until the Lord sees fit to call him home, I am grateful for the time we had with him. The doctors wrote him off years ago after being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer that had spread. He has had both good days and bad days. We have memories and pictures to reflect. We have prayed for healing from our standpoint of understanding - a fleshly healing. Soon his day will be walking in heaven - no sickness, no more feeling bad. He will be in a much better place. I am grateful for all the love and support he gave me. I am grateful for the fact that my dad was able to walk me down the "aisle" and give me away to the man I am married to now. I am grateful that we were able to spend the extra time with him here on earth. My sadness is my not wanting you to go. My happiness is knowing that you will soon face our Lord and be pain free. Saying goodbye while you are still here, able to understand what is going on, is probably one of the hardest things to do. We knew this day would come, but you are never truly ready for it. When it comes your time; save me a spot. I love you!

My husband and I went to see Danny Gokey in concert the other night.  He said something that has resonated with me (and ...
09/10/2022

My husband and I went to see Danny Gokey in concert the other night. He said something that has resonated with me (and seeing the time of year, seemed appropriate). When talking about stress, we usually bring up the negative risks of suppressing our traumas instead of facing them. His comment was, "if you bury your traumas alive, they will come back!" (Gokey). I knew this, but it hit me more direct by hearing it in those words. I had people say that they did not want to see a clinician because they didn't want to "relive" the trauma. In the next breath they tell me, I can't sleep, I continually see it over and over in my head....You are Reliving It! Everyday! By yourself! The trauma is on repeat because you lack the skill set to help process it properly. You're holding yourself a hostage, if you chose to repeat that cycle. A clinician IS NOT a "shrink"!! They are the opposite! They help you develop skills to navigate tough times and encourage you to look at things differently. They help you walk to the muck and mud - but with someone there to guide you through it so you don't have to endure it alone! All that is an addition to your life. It adds value. It adds a new perspective. It allows you to relax. It allows you to thrive! If you are hurting, I encourage you to seek a clinicians help. If you don't know one, inbox me and I will help you connect with one! You don't have to suffer!

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I have a life, not a life sentence

I’ve been involved in EMS for 23 years now. Over a year ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Some of which occurred before my career in EMS, most after. People who know me would always tell me how strong I was when I was dealing with different situations. Inside, I was a mess. Su***de was something that did cross my mind. Sometimes, the thought would linger. After admitting that I needed more help that I was capable of giving myself, I sought professional help. I connected with a great clinician who encouraged me to use different tools to help me to be a better version of me. She also used EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). A technique that I have referred to as voodoo. In the session, I did not see that it was helping. Later, I could tell a huge difference. Rainbows and Rabbit Holes is my story, my view on being diagnosed with PTSD, and my journey past PTSD in to PTG (post traumatic growth). What I have learned is that PTSD is a diagnosis based on some of the bad things that have happened in the past. IT IS NOT a prediction of my life ahead of me. Some may disagree with me, but you CAN get past the diagnosis. I’m living proof. The purpose of this page is to encourage, and even enable, individuals to being willing to first, let go of the past, and then grow to your fullest potential that you never could have imagined. If this page encourages you, please feel free to share it.