21/06/2025
There is a paradox I’ve been sitting with, related to the safety of protection and the oppression of abuse, and the nature of expression and silence. I notice that silencing myself is an act of self preservation, yet also violence—self protection and self abuse—and how using my voice can be the same.
With the nature of the world and current affairs right now, I see how I’m a walking contradiction, swinging from one perspective to its opposite moment by moment. And sometimes only able to watch what’s coming up without judging what could be THE one right way to see it. It’s often so nuanced and both.
Over the past few weeks I’ve packed everything I own into storage and moved three hours away to live with my dad and step-mom, dividing my family of 4 to preserve my mental and physical wellbeing and be a better mom. The unconscious urges to flee and return have been intense.
The larger powers who guide my life have forced changes upon me, whether I like it or not. Sometimes I have no choice if I want to keep surviving here… the gods and ancestors and Earth have said “Divide”, so here I am—fragmented and separate from so many of the good things I’ve been building throughout my life. Yet zoomed out, watching, and feeling more full and whole than ever. Both.
The paradox of teamwork while separate is a confusing binary I’m enduring as I accept that love doesn’t mean staying together and that wholeness includes being broken.
As I settle into a sense of stillness and slowness that is moving so fast, I breathe and feel the earth beneath my body, rooting into whatever it means for something to just be like it is. Just for now.
It’s silent. There isn’t really anything to say. Yet the silence feels full of the potential of fearful illusions and stories, whispered from the unhealed dead… I just breathe and I keep moving my body to stay anchored with the presence of wellness.
Protectiveness can lead to possession and control over someone we claim to love, and at what point does that steal away their right to possess themselves and have self control? We don’t have the right to possess each other, yet so many of us give away our power willingly, consenting to allowing the perspective of another to be more important than our own… and the illusion of safety can be a trap we may easily fall into, giving away our power to a force that appears greater than our own.
I notice my own mind turns silence into stories as I imagine all the possibilities of how something could be perceived, and how silence itself can be perceived as a threat when we simply don’t know what it means for the quiet one to be moving as they are and how much they’ll respect our sovereignty.
So even without much to say other than there’s paradox and nuance to all of this right now. I’m still here and always moving toward collaborating with the rest of life to anchor life and love to work together. I’m willing to try, and bring my voice to speak about the tough stuff that will probably make people uncomfortable.
We may be different from one another and see the world in opposite ways for reasons we may never understand, but we can still want each other to thrive and have a life well lived, simply because we exist. Every one of us deserves that and there are so many different ways to achieve it when we talk with each other about what may work for us, and see what happens.
