02/08/2020
Yesterday, looking at some old photographs brought back lots of happy, fun and precious moments.
However, I can begin to pin point the year when his Narc behaviour showed more and more. There had always been control, although I didnāt see it at the time. You know the type of behaviour, turning up unannounced kept me waiting with eager anticipation. Now, I think it was a another of his tactics to stop me having friends or a life.
Undoubtedly, he loved our children but he couldnāt handle not being the centre of my world. You would expect an educated man, a pillar of the community to be able to share and expect changes. I certainly did. I worked full time, had two small children who didnāt sleep well, I was exhausted. But, I expected us, him to be there to enjoy or time and our freedom when the kids grew up. That hurts my heart and makes my inner child want to cry.
He would even use the kids as a tool for manipulating me. When they were about 4 and 6, I started doing Pilates to support Prolapses discs in my spine (thatās another story). He would āwind upā the kids so they would cry and become very unsettled so Iād stay at home. A counsellor helped me to identify this and iI had to learn how to turn my back and just leave the house. The first couple of times, Iād park nearby, walk and sit next to my home. If I head my babies being upset the plan was to rescue them. Of course, everything was fine when I wasnāt there. Apparently heād lie on the floor and pretend to be dead so they had to wake him. Wtf?!?!
I absolutely hated when heād punish me by upsetting my kids. Another cycle that the counsellor helped me identify.
Hereās an example, I would take too long food shopping with the kids (in his opinion). I hated that atmosphere, the āguess what Iāve done nowā ambiance and āThe Lookā. Itās sinister. š± Things might be calm for an hour, a day, a week but I knew that āpunishmentā was coming.
During the wait and the silent treatment, Iād be trying to identify what Iād done. Obviously, I now know that it wasnāt anything that Iād done. Iād be walking on āeggshellsā. God, I still feel that horrible knot in my stomach. I hated the uncertainty ...
Sometimes, Iād flinch in my sleep because Iād feel his presence next to me. Then heād punch the bed, jut missing my face. Then heād start. All the while, Iād be trying to keep him quiet for fear of waking out sleeping children.
This wasnāt as bad as when heād wind up one of the children, Iād return to the room to shouting and screaming. Usually, heād have my eldest under his arm and dragging her to her room. The little one would try to protect her sister. Then sheād run, hide, cover her ears and cry.
Iād tell him to put her down, to talk to her. By this time he was usually holding her door closed as she banged and screamed on the other side. He would threaten to record her and send it to her Head Teacher (one of his fellow Heads). My poor little girl was distraught and often hanging out of the window shouting for help. It all happened so fast but in slow motion, if you know what I mean.
Iād finally get him off the door handle and find out what she had done that was so bad. Once it was because she asked for some nuts, that he was eating, on being given two she asked for some more. Really!?!?! Control and power overload.
Iād comfort both of my children and stay with them until they were fast asleep. I have to be honest, I did not support him to my children because he was wrong. I listened to what they said, acknowledged their feelings of hurt and anger but I told them that in my opinion he should have handled the situation differently (obviously in childrenās terms and understanding).
I hate him. Children are to be loved, cherished and encouraged to grow.
Following a āpunishmentā there would be a period of calm. Time to heal. Time when it doesnāt hurt as much. Time to āforgetā.
The calm before the storm.
Itās the rollercoaster of domestic abuse.
