Debra Reeves

23/09/2022

“More than anything, we long to be seen

To be held in a safe, nonjudgemental, all-accepting presence.
To be seen through loving eyes.

And ‘being seen’ is what we fear the most.
More than death, we fear intimacy's piercing gaze.

And yearn for it all the same.

It takes such courage to show yourself!
To take off your mask, when you look and feel your worst to take off your mask (the one that was suffocating you anyway) and to say, "Look. Look. Here I am, world".

To let yourself be seen
before you're ready.

When you feel the most rotten, the most dirty, the most wretched and unloveable, the most unevolved, the most boring, the most confused and lonely and broken and sad and angry and hurt, to let yourself be seen there.
There, in that sore, shameful place.

Let light in.
Come out of hiding and invite someone into your 'private' world.
Let them witness the real, authentic you.
Before that pitiful defense called 'personality'.

Say, "Look. Look, friend. Here I am".

Take the risk of being loved!

The risk of being rejected, yes.
The risk of being shamed again, laughed at again, ridiculed again, maybe.
The risk of being seen as a failure. As sick, or broken, or ugly, or weak.

But the risk of being loved?

Yes. Take the risk today because life is short, and it's exhausting trying to repress your authentic self. Let yourself be witnessed in the raw. The vulnerable you. The you without protection, without answers, without expertise. The imperfect you.

Because the deepest shame is only healed in love's light.

And your flaws were always longing to be touched with an awareness so tender that it would birth entire universes to find itself.

And you can fall now into the arms of a loving friend.
Who will hold you.
Naked. Unprotected. Imperfect.

Loveable.
Just as you are.

This is the kind of love you deserve.
True human love which is also God's love.
The kind of love that bathes you in gentleness when you feel the most ashamed, the most frightened, the most lost.
When you feel the smallest.

A huge love that holds you.

Never settle for less.”
- Jeff Foster

Art by Taynee

08/07/2022

“For far too long we have been seduced into walking a path that did not lead us to ourselves. For far too long we have said yes when we wanted to say no. And for far too long we have said no when we desperately wanted to say yes. . . .

When we don't listen to our intuition, we abandon our souls. And we abandon our souls because we are afraid if we don't, others will abandon us.”

~ Terry Tempest Williams, from “When Women Were Birds”
www.coyoteclan.com

Art by Arna Baartz Artist, “Goddess of Discernment”
www.linktr.ee/arnabaartz

23/05/2022

14/05/2022

"Each person carries a hidden poetic unity that reflects the mysterious continuity of the Soul of the World. In the depths of the soul, we are each an old soul able to survive the troubles of the world and contribute to its healing and renewal. The key to what we miss and secretly long for is hidden within us. Medicine men and healers of all kinds from cultures around the world have used various techniques to not only ‘heal’ the soul, but also to restore individuals to their proper place in the world and in their culture. To heal means to ‘make whole’, and when we feel whole we are in touch with the whole world. When in touch with our underlying soul, we are naturally in touch with nature and the Soul of the World. We are the missing ingredient in the solutions needed for all that ails us, if we but awaken to the nature of our own souls." ~ Michael Meade, ‘Awakening the Soul’

12/05/2022

Life is not all rainbows and sunshine. There will be times when rain comes to wash the ground and cleanse the land. Storms will come to wash away the debri. Without these times the land would dry out. The trees would not be buffeted by winds and rain to help release the dead leaves and branches that no longer serve.

If we can accept the inevitability of life we can begin to go with the flow. We can see the seasons of our lives as needed and necessary. We can embrace the winds and dance in the rains. We can create snow angels and laugh into the crystal clear air. We can revel in the shift from dark to light and back to dark again.

We stop feeling like a victim of circumstance and instead we start to feel the power and magic of life!

We become curious when the storm clouds come, welcoming the thunder and lightning- knowing that the sun will return once more, spreading rainbows through the sky.

Do you want to know:

• How to transform the your stresses in your life into learning opportunities?

• How to create feelings of joy and contentment regardless of what is occurring externally?

• How to learn the language of change and to witness and celebrate it?

Learning how to go with the flow is easier than it seems!

Understanding how your reactions are creating your experience is the key. It is your reaction that points to what is causing stress in you. Your reactions show where to explore further.

I’d love to teach you how to create a magical life! Contact me for details.

06/05/2022

“‪I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being. ...A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart. We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe‬ (1749 – 1832)

24/04/2022

What filter are you seeing through?

10/04/2022

Approaching the world with an energy of “I don’t want people to hate me” is very different to an energy of “I have a lot of love to give and a lot of love to receive”. Sometimes healing can begin with a shift in approach.

This begins with intentionally slowing down so that there is a space, a pause, between thoughts, words and actions. This is where we can acknowledge the old beliefs and patterns, where we can notice unconscious behaviours kicking in. This is where we identify the layers of wounding, self judgment or unhealthy expectations.

This opens up room to speak up, to ask for what we want, expressing our needs. Sometimes that means saying no. Giving ourselves space to speak up is incredibly freeing. It liberates the energy spent replaying those old beliefs and patterns. And this opens us up to joy and freedom.

Breathe.
Relax.
Release.

Take three deep cleansing breaths. Relax the muscles of your body. Expand your energy to feel loved, guided and protected. Expand and connect, breath it in.

All is well. Everything is going to be ok.

04/04/2022

Have a Feminine Embodiment Coaching session with me to learn how to connect with your body, and how to self-regulate and self-soothe: https://debrareeves.com/feminine-embodiment-coaching/

Not books, not workshops, not devices

03/04/2022

Where you mostly work from in your nervous system creates your response. We choose where our response originates. This response begins unconsciously.

Some people can take on new information, be creative, think of the collective, draw logical conclusions, be empathetic, respond to change effectively etc. This is a way of functioning that helps you live a connected life; a good way to be. It’s helpful for you and it’s helpful for me if you respond from here. To respond from here you have had to had pretty good parenting, minimal trauma and have done some inner work.

These people are acting from their Ventral vagal system which is anchored in the most modern or frontal part of the brain.

Some people are likely to be more jumpy, anxious, a little less able to think clearly, easily pushed into wanting to run, or fight. In times of crisis or high stress these people are overwhelmed easily and are not able to handle much more than what’s right in front of them.

These people are acting from their sympathetic nervous system, which is in the mid-brain.

Even people who usually act from the ventral vagal system may respond this way if they feel under unusually high stress. They are likely to naturally respond from here if they did not get a lot of kind containment as a kid (healthy boundaries, consistent nurturing, etc.) and you have experienced trauma.

Some people are more likely to feel a bit numb. It’s like playing possum; “If I just don’t react I will be safe.” would be its motto. These people find it hard to connect to their own fear, let alone the fear of others. They cannot allow themselves or understand how to be worried constructively, face illness and death with anything more than bravado. They are not able to see how their actions impact on others because their capacity for connection is limited.

These people have had life experiences, mostly from very early on, where they were taught that feelings, especially fear or hurt were not treated kindly. They were taught that to be shut down was what kept them safe. These people were not consistently nurtured, and are likely to have suffered significant trauma. That is experiences that impact them negatively not just car crashes etc.

These people are acting from the most ancient and “primitive” part of their brain, called the dorsal vagal complex,. This part of the brain/nervous system isn’t designed to make you think logically or think of others, it’s designed to make you freeze in the face of threat.

Lots of people live in “functional freeze.” They see people who are worried and flustered as weak. They think of themselves, about what will get them where they want to go. They tend to think simply; this works for me and don’t necessarily think of the impact on other people. They shut down response to emotions and worry, so that things like sickness and death are topics they won’t visit. They convince themselves they don’t care, or more accurately don’t have access to their caring. They will also be the ones who feel unable to do anything other than watch a screen and eat. This is not to judge or shame anyone, this is just describing what’s most likely from this way of functioning.

Modern western culture trains us to prefer shut-down. Many of us live this place.

This is Polyvagal theory. If you recognise where you are operating from you can find healthy ways to navigate back into a more regulated way of behaving.

If you are anxious and jumpy put some music on and dance, take a walk, dig in the garden, or get out a skipping rope. Even a few star jumps will help to release nervous energy.

If you are in shut-down mode do something gently soothing. Take a long bath, dig your toes into the earth, listen to music that moves you. Connect. Call someone, cuddle a pet or chat to your child. Do something that gives you a sense of achievement. Make something. Release with laughter- watch a funny movie, something that takes you out of yourself and helps you connect with happiness.

Learn the ways that help you move out of a state of disconnect and back into connection.

02/04/2022

“A consequence of female self-love is that the woman grows convinced of social worth. Her love for her body will be unqualified, which is the basis of female identification. If a woman loves her own body, she doesn't grudge what other women do with theirs; if she loves femaleness, she champions its rights. It's true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more s*x, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These s*xual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

~ Dr Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth
www.drnaomiwolf.com

Photography by Rosanne Olsen

01/04/2022

In order to change, we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired.

31/03/2022

The following was written by Dr. Melissa DeBose Hankins, a psychiatrist, and she gave me permission to share it:

This is what the result of unresolved trauma looks like.

What many of us witnessed during last night’s Academy Award ceremony between Will Smith and Chris Rock was a TRAUMA RESPONSE.

While I am in no way condoning violence, I think this is a very public and very important opportunity for us to all understand what a trauma response can look like.

A trauma response can take many forms (some surprising) and look like:

Slapping someone for saying “the wrong” thing

Yelling at someone for not doing something “fast enough” or “up to your standards”

Avoiding or not responding to a boss’s emails about scheduling an upcoming performance review

“Having to” do everything “perfectly,” otherwise you feel anxious or unsettled in some way

Yelling at staff or throwing things around your office or OR when you feel frustrated or have a bad outcome at work

Not setting boundaries around your time and energy because you’re worried about confrontation and upsetting the other person

Working endless hours without taking time for yourself or the things and people you enjoy because your job is your primary source and measure of your own self-worth and value

When a person has experienced trauma (“Big T” trauma or “Little t”trauma) from their childhood (or, their adulthood), the brain and body store that traumatic memory in ways such that aspects of that memory can be re-activated by present-day interactions and situations.

When this happens, the person experiencing this re-activation is split-second processing (on a subconscious or unconscious level) the current event through the filter of that past trauma. This means that that person is, for all meaningful purposes, experiencing things as if they are right back in that previous circumstance of trauma. As a result, they are reacting (taking action)—emotionally, physically, and/or verbally—from that place of trauma.

Those past traumas can be diverse and range from:

Witnessing a parent being physically or verbally abused during your childhood

You, yourself, experiencing physical, s*xual, or verbal abuse in your childhood or adulthood

Experiencing emotional abuse or neglect as a child

Being harshly reprimanded (this could include being spoken to by someones with an angry tone and demeanor) or shamed by others as a child for not doing a task “the right way” or not doing it “well enough”

Being told (and, perhaps, punished) as a child by an adult caregiver that it’s not polite and/or not acceptable to say “No” when an adult tells you to do something (including getting hugs from relatives, being made to attend events with your parents even when it’s clear your parents really didn’t want to go)

Being called out by a teacher in front of the class for having the wrong answer and feeling embarrassment and shame

While some of the above may be horrific, and other things may seem inconsequential, depending on the age of occurrence, the emotional, mental, and physical resources that person had at that age, as well as any prior traumas could determine the extent to which that person experienced trauma. A 2 year-old accidentally wandering into a closet with a door that shuts behind them that they can’t easily open, plunging them alone in darkness for 15 minutes before someone finds them is a far different experience than that of an adult in the same predicament.

In the case of Will Smith, he detailed in his autobiographical book, “Will,” that he witnessed trauma as a child in the form of violence at home. In his book he writes:

“When I was nine years old, I watched my father punch my mother in the side of the head so hard that she collapsed,” he wrote. “I saw her spit blood. That moment in that bedroom, probably more than any other moment in my life, has defined who I am.”

“Within everything that I have done since then — the awards and accolades, the spotlights and attention, the characters and the laughs — there has been a subtle string of apologies to my mother for my inaction that day. For failing her in the moment. For failing to stand up to my father. For being a coward.”

So, while the “joke” Chris Rock said was about Will’s wife, the fact that she was being targeted in combination with the look on her face (signaling to Will her level of upset and distress about what was said), triggered a split-second accessing of (and instantly being placed inside of that) memory to an earlier time when he was 9yo and wasn’t able to protect his mom (the woman he loved).

Will’s reaction last night was that of that 9yo traumatized little boy who simply reacted in the way that 9yo boy wanted to react back then.

Does having a history of trauma (big or little) give a “free pass” for the present-day trauma reactions that involve the harming (physically, verbally, or emotionally) of another? No, of course not.

However, it does highlight the extreme importance of understanding trauma and it’s many manifestations, and addressing it with effective trauma-informed approaches that address the emotional, physical (because we hold emotions in our body), and mental aspects of trauma.

Hopefully, rather than simply vilify Will, and say he has “an anger problem,” people close to him can help him recognize that this is “A TRAUMA PROBLEM,” and help him get the trauma-informed help in the form of therapy in combination with modalities as EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques, or “tapping”), EMDR, or other somatic modalities that can effectively and efficiently release the traumatized aspects held in his memory and body.

Once his trauma and his emotions are no longer dictating his actions, he could have a much more measured and effective response to situations such as that that occurred at last night awards ceremony.

My further hope is that if anyone reading this finds that they are stuck in patterns of extreme reaction (such as Will experienced), or even less severe reactions, but you recognize are getting in the way of you living life the way you really want, please consider getting trauma-informed support.

Even if you’ve not experienced “Big T” trauma, ALL of us have experienced various “little T” traumas that have impacted each of us in various ways personally and/or professionally—some with mild behaviors and impacts, some not so mild.

As physicians, we are masterful at suppressing so many of our emotions, and the thoughts and memories associated with them. However, trauma has a way of impacting us in great big obvious ways (as we saw with Will Smith), and not such obvious ways (perfectionism, workaholism, lack of boundaries).

I’m not suggesting any of us go unearthing swaths of past trauma (please don’t do this unless you are working with a trauma-informed individual).

Simply be aware that it may be impacting you in ways you recognize and have yet to address, or in ways you never quite thought of as being associated with trauma. And, if needed, allow yourself to get the support you need by working with a trauma-informed therapist, trauma-informed coach, or other trauma-informed practitioner/modality.

Now published by KevinMD.com here: https://www.kevinmd.com/2022/03/will-smiths-slap-is-a-trauma-response.html

14/03/2022

Instinctive Responses to Stress

Our bodies are equipped with a wealth of resources to help us adapt to stressful situations. There are many nuanced and intelligent behaviors we can turn to besides the famous "Fight or Flight Response."

The Stress Response is a kind of magic power that Nature built into our bodies, and represents survival wisdom of a billion years of multicellular organisms on Earth.

Tend and Befriend

When you are stressed, when something scares you, there is often no one to fight, at least not physically, and no point in running away to hide.

There are impulses in your body wisdom that suggest you form a team, get together with allies and talk it over.

Soothe and comfort each other.
Befriend each other.
Make alliances.
Share meals.
Make a better map of your world: where are the dangers, where are the opportunities, how can we help?

Whenever you notice yourself getting worried, make a game out making a TINY change as soon as you can, within the same heartbeat if you can. For example, just breathe a little bit deeper. Or instead of letting your focus get narrow, go wide. Open up to your peripheral vision.

Become interested

The simplicity of this practice is to train yourself to become interested in the sensations the instant they arise, and then steer them in subtle ways. This is a bit like dancing, or playing sports.

The Stress Response is often called the Fight or Flight Response, but that is only a shorthand. This response is a powerful instinct and all bodies have versions of it.

Stress can bring out the best in human beings as well as the worst. Give yourself permission to play around with these simple techniques. Forgive yourself when you totally forget to practice and let random info take over your body. Just keep on intending to make tiny shifts. - Lorin Roche