Shine Ya Light

26/10/2025

I have not read this book yet, but it sounds quite straight forward and spot on.

Maybe one comment because the book title does not quite resonate with me: don‘t heal for revenge, heal for yourself. When you are really healed, xou could not care less what your ex-narc snd his flying monkeys think of you.

https://www.facebook.com/share/1BUWsLYvSe/?mibextid=wwXIfr

At first, it’s intoxicating. They make you feel chosen, extraordinary, as if you’ve been plucked from the crowd for some divine reason. But slowly, without warning, the warmth becomes a weapon. You start questioning yourself, apologizing for things you never did, bending yourself into shapes that don’t belong to you, all for the sake of peace that never comes. By the time you recognize the smoke, you’re already choking on it.

That’s where Shahida Arabi’s Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare meets you—right there in the haze, in your confusion, in your ache, in the aftermath of loving someone who made you doubt the very sound of your own heartbeat. This is a book written by someone who’s been dragged under and clawed her way back to the surface.

1. First, Name the Invisible: Abuse Is Abuse
The first mercy Arabi gives her readers is language. She calls it what it is: abuse.
For too long, emotional abuse has hidden behind polite words like “toxic,” “difficult,” or “misunderstood.” But when someone dismantles your self-esteem, isolates you from love, manipulates your emotions, and makes you feel insane—there’s nothing subtle about it. Arabi strips away the euphemisms. She validates the pain victims carry and shows that just because you can’t see bruises doesn’t mean you’re not bleeding.

2. How Narcissists Rewrite Reality: The Master Illusionist
One of Arabi’s greatest strengths is how she exposes the narcissist’s favorite magic trick: they make you doubt your own mind. She explains how their charm, intelligence, and charisma allow them to convince not only you—but everyone around you—that the problem is you. Courts side with them. Friends are deceived. Even therapists can be fooled.

What makes this section powerful is her blend of professional insight and lived experience. She reveals how narcissists perform empathy without ever feeling it, how they construct a flawless public image while waging emotional warfare in private. By the time you recognize the manipulation, you’re already deep in their web. Arabi’s advice is both urgent and clear: believe patterns, not promises.

3. Repetition Is Recovery — Why Hearing the Truth Again Matters
Some readers say Arabi repeats herself. And she does. But survivors know—you need the repetition. When you’ve been gaslighted for years, truth becomes slippery. Arabi understands that healing isn’t about reading something once; it’s about letting it echo until it becomes solid again. She reinforces key truths—“You are not crazy,” “You did not deserve this,” “You can heal”—until they begin to overwrite the lies implanted by the abuser.

It’s not redundancy. It’s reprogramming. It’s the slow and sacred act of remembering your own reality.

4. The Way Out — No Contact Is Freedom, Not Cruelty
One of the book’s most valuable teachings is its unapologetic stance on no contact.
Arabi doesn’t sugarcoat it: when it comes to narcissists, there’s no winning negotiation, no halfway healing. “You can’t teach empathy to someone who feeds on your pain,” she writes. The only path to peace is distance.

She explains why victims struggle with this—trauma bonds, guilt, the illusion of hope—and offers practical strategies for detachment, especially when children are involved. This chapter is both empowering and heartbreaking, because it names the hardest truth: sometimes love must end for survival to begin.

5. The Rebirth — Supplying Yourself Instead of the Narcissist
The final chapters are where Arabi shifts from survival to rebirth.
She teaches you how to become your own source of validation, to redirect the love and empathy you once gave to the narcissist back toward yourself. It’s not about vengeance—it’s about becoming unshakable.

Her exercises, affirmations, and insights feel like gentle scaffolding for a new life. One where your voice matters again. One where you no longer shrink to make others comfortable.

The title comes full circle: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare is about becoming someone unshakable—someone who no longer feeds the narcissist’s hunger.

This is not the first book I’ve read on narcissistic abuse, but it’s the one I wish I’d read earlier. It could have saved me years of confusion and self-blame. Shahida diagnoses what’s broken, but even more, she shows you how to reclaim your soul piece by piece.

If you are lost, if your intuition whispers that something isn’t right, if you are tired of apologizing for existing—start with this book. It will help you understand why love turned into manipulation, why hope became fear, and most importantly, how to rise again.

Because the truth is, you were never too sensitive, too needy, or too much. You were simply burning in someone else’s fire. And now, finally, you can walk into your own light.

BOOK: https://amzn.to/4nDNaWd

23/10/2025

07/10/2025

https://www.facebook.com/share/17F7DYRzGw/?mibextid=wwXIfr

When a toxic person knows they've done you wrong, they'll often become fixated with trying to destroy your reputation by spreading lies and misinformation. This behavior isn’t random or accidental—it is a deliberate, calculated attempt to manipulate the perception of others, to distort reality, and to shift blame away from themselves. They thrive on control and chaos, and nothing frustrates them more than someone who refuses to play along with their narrative. By twisting facts, exaggerating events, or inventing entirely false stories, they aim to isolate you from your support system, erode your credibility, and make you question your own experiences.

The lies they spread can take many forms: whispered rumors to friends, manipulative messages to colleagues, public accusations on social media, or even subtle insinuations meant to seed doubt. Every action is designed to provoke confusion, insecurity, and mistrust, not just in you, but in those who know you. They understand that once people start questioning your character, it becomes easier for them to manipulate situations to their advantage. Often, they will act with a sense of righteous indignation, pretending to be the victim, while framing you as the problem—because toxic individuals rarely, if ever, take accountability for their actions.

It’s important to understand that this behavior is not a reflection of your worth or truth. Their attacks are fueled by insecurity, envy, and a desperate need to maintain power. Staying grounded in your reality, documenting your experiences, and maintaining boundaries are essential defenses. Surround yourself with people who genuinely know you and trust your character, because these relationships act as a shield against their efforts to distort the truth. Over time, while they invest their energy in tearing you down, your resilience, integrity, and clarity of self will speak louder than any of their lies ever could. The truth has a way of revealing itself, and the toxicity of their actions ultimately exposes them more than it ever exposes you.
“Andy Burg”

08/09/2025

…and some try very very hard to obstruct our growth as much as possible in order to still feel somehow in control of the person that has outgrown them, e.g. a parent who tries to make one feel like a (helpless) child again and again, or an ex who tries to e.g. guilt-trip and gaslight in order to keep one „small“… grow, grow, grow my dear fellow warriors. It‘s time to leave all those far behind who try to dim your light to hide their own shadows.

27/08/2025

Unconditional love is the keyword - not to be confused with tolerating endlessly toxic behaviour in the name of unconditional love. We can have feelings for someone but still decide that they are not good for us. Feelings are mesnt to be felt, not to drive our decisions.

Also: Unconditional love does not only apply to others but to ourselves, too. Prioritizing ourselves, our own well-being, acknowledging our own worth, setting healthy boundaries, engaging in self-care, accepting our whole self…all is crucial to foster a full and healthy capacity for loving others.

05/08/2025

…not only resilience but a super power. Since you have made it so far, there is nothing you cannot achieve!

29/07/2025

Well said.

When she detaches, you've lost her forever.

You'll never get the same version of her again.

The woman who loved you unconditionally is gone.

The person who fought for your relationship has left.

The one who made excuses for your behavior has evolved.

The girl who believed your promises has learned better.

She's learned her lesson.

She's seen your true character.

She's experienced your real priorities.

She's witnessed your actual values.

She's understood your genuine intentions.

Once she emotionally checks out, there's no going back.

Once she stops caring, she doesn't start again.

Once she removes her heart from the situation, it stays removed.

Once she chooses herself, she keeps choosing herself.

You can't un-teach someone what you taught them about your character.

You can't un-show someone what you showed them about your priorities.

You can't un-prove what you proved about your values.

Don't mistake her kindness for weakness.

Don't confuse her love with stupidity.

Don't assume her patience means she'll wait forever.

She gave you her best and you showed her your worst.

She offered you her heart and you broke it repeatedly.

She's done learning the same lesson over and over.

17/07/2025

I really like in this post that they speak of „letting go“ rather than „forgiving“. For myself „forgiving“ always had a connotation of excusing the perpetrator‘s behaviour - and that is the last thing to do, especially in cases of abuse. „Letting go“ is much more along the lines of acknowleding what has happened without making excuses, working through it and choosing that the inflicted trauma will not impact our future any longer and that we do not have to keep the perpetrators in our lives, especially if they show zero remorse. We do NOT have to turn the other cheek and tolerate more abuse. Love yourself AS MUCH AS others. Respect yourself. Honour yourself. Love yourself enough to let go. Don‘t give the perpetrators power over your future.

27/06/2025

Keep walking, even if you feel broken…one step at a time…even if it seems one step forward and three steps backwards…keep going…hang in there…rest…but don‘t give up.