09/02/2025
A phrase many of us will have heard before. Wise insight perhaps, but is it welcome? Is it accurate?
In what circumstances have you been on the receiving end of this reassurance? Is it something you’ve said to comfort a friend or family member?
I’d love to hear your experiences of this phrase.
There have been many times in my life where I can now see that there was something to take, something to gain from a personal struggle. I still, however, have reservations about this statement. For me, I think it depends on when this message is received.
I recall very clearly that a colleague offered these words as a support to me shortly after I returned to work following a late miscarriage. Something started burning within me when I heard this. I appreciated that her words were coming from a kind space, but they felt so harsh and unsympathetic. I felt that there was an expectation that I should accept my loss and get on with my life, that my grief was misplaced and possibly self-indulgent.
Time passed and further life experiences led me to see that perhaps this devastating outcome was indeed for the best. This was a perspective I was able to gain by experiencing the next stages of my life, by taking a view which only became possible after more devastating loss. I was able to reflect on that miscarriage as a necessary part of a bigger plan and found myself assuring friends and family that going through this traumatic, distressing and life altering experience was actually quite appropriate and acceptable.
I now wonder how much of this interpretation was influenced by the desire to find “the reason” for my “thing”. Is it easier for us to find a logic to explain negative experiences than to accept the chaos of bad things happening with no reason? How much do we unsettle our inner expectations when we have a bad outcome. We are raised knowing that if we are kind, if we work hard, if we never give up, then we will be able to achieve our heart’s desire. Yes, these core beliefs help turn us into tenacious beings, but this can leave us without resilience and with little self-compassion when things don’t go our way.
Before I got to the stage of being able to tell my story through the lens of reason I had to process my belief system. I had to come to terms with the fact that I may not always achieve what I set out to achieve. Recognising that my determination and good nature would not always get me to the outcome I desired was shattering. My belief system had been crushed. The fables and fairytales that were part of my childhood, the expectations and behaviours that were encouraged and modelled to me as a teen and young adult were flawed. This new awareness shifted my world. I started to accept that sometimes, no matter what, sadnesses would occur, failure would be unavoidable. This was a sobering transformation and, as with most processes, over time this has settled into something more comfortable and appropriate for me to sit with.
I now look at life using all the perspectives that have been shared with me, adjusting them to adapt to the realities I have experienced. Without trying our hardest we might not succeed, so all those core beliefs are valid. However, nothing is guaranteed and being the best version of ourselves does not always lead to the best outcomes. Over time, with the benefits of experience and hindsight we may be able to see that some things do indeed happen for a reason, but that is something that I prefer to work out for myself, not to be told by another.
Struggling with core beliefs, unexpected outcomes or childhood frameworks?
Experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, grief or a sense of failure?
Do please reach out to discover how we can work together to discover your new perspective.
