05/03/2026
Part 2 - In my experience working with couples who have infidelity betrayal, the guilt, fear and shame that comes up for the unfaithful partner is a major driver of wanting their partner to get past it without them having to do anything except stop cheating… and also, none of these feelings, behaviours or beliefs are effective in moving through the betrayal to rebuild trust.
The betrayed partner needs to feel heard, supported and respected. They may be angry, sad, grieving, shocked etc. The Gottmans found in their research that infidelity leads to responses similar to PTSD. That doesn’t just go away because you’ve stopped cheating. It takes time, dedication and commitment to be with your partner in this part of the process. If you created this pain you need to be with the uncomfortable feelings you have too and not run from them. Your partner needs you to be with them here, not just trying to push away the discomfort you have.
The trust is completely gone, the rupture and pain is immense and it’s a delicate balance and process to work through. And there’s no timeframe on how long it will take for the trust to return. But it won’t if you don’t acknowledge their feelings and concerns in the first instance.
This is not to judge you if you’ve been unfaithful, it’s to call you forward and say hey, let’s deal with it - and if you want to try to repair this, what is likely required to do so. And no we don’t just bash you up the whole time, I support you too, but in the first instance the infidelity must be felt, understood and responded to before moving forward into reconnection and rebuilding.
On a positive note, couples who work through infidelity often report that their relationship is stronger than ever and within the pain, they found an opportunity to build something deeper and more connected than they had before.
S.W.
