01/09/2025
Here's my invitation to "take notice" this week on how this shows up in your life...
One question that’s made a real difference in our family, and in how I work and connect with others, is this:
"Is what I’m about to say or do going to bring us closer together, or drive us further apart?"
It’s from William Glasser’s Choice Theory, and we’ve got it pinned to our fridge at home as a reminder. With a neurodiverse tween in the house, it's become something we come back to often, especially in those tricky moments when emotions run high and logic leaves the room.
Glasser also named seven habits that create connection, and seven that harm it. He called them "deadly", but I prefer to call them damaging.
I’ve noticed how my brain tries to reach for the damaging ones when I’m tired, stretched or feeling a bit helpless. I’m getting better at catching it now.
Here’s how they show up.
7 Caring Habits:
1/ Listening... with real curiosity, not just waiting to speak
2/ Encouraging... when someone’s unsure or overwhelmed
3/ Supporting... without fixing
4/ Respecting... difference, space and timing
5/ Trusting... others even when it feels uncomfortable
6/ Accepting... without needing to reshape someone
7/ Negotiating... differences instead of needing to win
7 Damaging Habits:
1/ Criticising... especially when we feel anxious
2/ Blaming... to offload discomfort
3/ Complaining... without offering change
4/ Nagging... hoping repetition will work better than connection
5/ Threatening... whether subtle or direct
6/ Punishing... to feel more in control
7/ Bribing... as a shortcut to cooperation
I make it a point to never use these damaging habits online. But I do see them a lot. The tone, the put-downs, the "gotcha" energy, it’s everywhere. I notice how fast we can lose each other when we focus on "being right" and forget that our goal is connection.
This isn’t about perfection, we can all be defensive sometimes. But It’s an important one to notice, as the tension we feel when we push people away, deliverately or nintentionally, can eat us up inside.
If you’re reading this, maybe just take a moment to ask yourself, where do these habits tend to surface for you? Work? Family? Online?
That one question is always there to come back to as your mantra this week - at least until it becomes a positive habit:
Will this bring us closer, or push us further apart?
That’s my invitation to you.
Can you share with me your thoughts on trying to notice and catch these habits, both good and not so great?
How do you help others to make connection the focus?
