03/07/2025
It’s all about the language of communication…. Give it a try
It's a tragic fact that many couples destroy their relationships trying to get their needs met.
When your needs are met, you feel safe, secure, loved.
Simple.
The trouble begins when needs aren't being met.
Because needs have a language, and how you speak this language determines what happens next.
Connection or conflict.
Intimacy or distance.
Love or resentment.
Many of us learned to speak need in the crudest possible way…
Through shame and blame.
"You're so selfish, you never think about anyone but yourself"
This is the language of pain.
It believes that if we make someone feel bad enough about themselves, they'll magically transform into who we wish they would be.
It's also how many of us were spoken to as children.
And it doesn't work.
Shame evokes defence.
Defence provokes conflict.
Conflict creates resentment.
Then there is the more 'sophisticated' approach…
Critical feedback.
"You need to start taking responsibility for your actions. I don't trust you when you don't do what you say you will."
This feels more mature. We're not attacking character, just pointing out what needs to change.
Calmly. Clearly.
We are just speaking the truth, letting them know their mistake so they can do something about it.
Any reaction they have to this just shows how immature THEY are... right?
But underneath the civilised language, it's still the same impulse:
If I show you what you're doing wrong, you'll do it right
(And meet my need)
This creates a subtle hierarchy.
I am the parent, you are the child.
I am right, you are wrong.
And something in the human soul recoils from being spoken down to by someone we love.
For those who don't want to spend their life nagging and criticising comes the relating breakthrough that you will find in thousands of reels, posts and books.
Vulnerably expressing needs.
"I feel anxious when plans suddenly change, it's confusing and disorienting. Can you let me know what happened and why it changed?"
Here we own our experience completely.
No blame, no criticism, no wrong-making.
Just our truth and our need.
It's a huge win to start relating this way, and this can shift a relationship completely from distress to reconnection.
It's also where most relationship advice ends.
But there's one more advanced level, for those who don't want to just sustain a relationship... and instead truly thrive.
The language of desire.
"I love how close we get when we really talk. I want more deep conversations with you."
The orientation shifts from what's missing to what we want more of.
Not "You aren't helping enough"
But "I want to be on a team with you"
Can you feel the difference?
When we speak from desire, something profound happens.
The other person's nervous system completely relaxes.
Instead of bracing against criticism or scrambling to fix problems, they get to step into the joy of giving to someone who already appreciates what they provide.
This generates more.
More generosity.
More gratitude.
More love.
This is one of those secret keys that transforms everything.
"I want more of you"
vs
"You aren't giving me enough."
✍️ Damien Bohler
