25/05/2023
Have you ever been crucified?
Have you ever been the victim in a circumstance? Have you ever experienced some kind of injustice? Has someone betrayed you and you can’t believe they would do this to you?
You may have experienced this at work, at home, with a friend or in your community. You might have experienced betrayal by a family member turning on you, or an injustice where someone stole from you, you lost your job, or you were overcharged for something. I don’t think we can go through life without experiencing a betrayal or an injustice to some degree.
Personally, I have just experienced an extremely cruel betrayal by someone close to me which cut so deep it felt like I was being crucified. To protect my (and their) privacy I won’t go into the details of what happened, but I will share how it made me feel.
Firstly the shock of it reverberated through my whole being, which winded me so deeply that I thought I was going to die of shock. After a few days, the shock was replaced by extreme anxiety, creating adrenal overload and then burnout. I couldn’t sleep, eat or think straight. This all happened so soon after my mum’s death, so my immune system and my emotional resilience was already at rock bottom.
What I was being accused of by this person, and the abuse that was being projected onto me was pure emotional torture, because I knew it wasn’t true. My body couldn’t take anymore emotional pain and there was no way I could stay in such a state of distress, so something had to shift.
So how did I overcome this feeling of betrayal?
I felt the pain of it, I processed the pain, I understood what I needed to learn from the pain, I released the pain, then I went about protecting myself from this abuse ever happening to me again.
At first I fell into the trap of believing what was said about me was true, that I was somehow to blame, that I was guilty, that I deserved punishment. I went about justifying myself, trying to prove what they said wasn’t true. Then a very wise person said to me, ‘Remember Jakkie, you are not who they say you are’. That small phrase was enough to kick myself out of my victim mind and to remember who I truly am.
I am a light-worker, and my light sometimes needs the darkness in order for it to shine!
That truth came to me loud and clear one morning. It reminded me that I loved myself, that I knew myself as a person of honesty and integrity. I was also clear that my sovereignty mattered.
I took the betrayal so personally, but once I felt my feelings and allowed the shock of it to subside, I delved a little deeper into the truth of it all. I took responsibility for what it had triggered within me, but mainly I realised I was the target of the other persons unresolved issues.
Hurt people hurt people.
When someone else is reluctant to look within themselves and take responsibility for their own pain, wounds and darkness, they will project their blindspots onto other people, blaming others for their suffering, keeping themselves locked into their own delusional pattern of pain.
When I saw the truth behind what was happening, I didn’t retaliate with this other person, (but believe me a huge part of me wanted to) and I didn’t make them ‘wrong’ for the betrayal. Instead I decided to shine the light on their suffering by being kind, loving but fiercely honest back to them.
This of course didn’t make matters better, but fuelled them into projecting more accusations and more abuse towards me. I was once again kicked back down by sheer disbelief that this was happening. But I had to keep drawing on my inner strength, coming back to my centre, remembering the truth of who I was. So I switched up the dial and shone my light ever brighter. I remained loving, kind but fiercely truthful.
I would NOT allow this to damage me.
The abuse just kept coming. They were determined to dim my light and be RIGHT. And in a way, I was doing the same. I knew nothing was going to shift or change when both of us were locked in a battle of attack and defence. I needed to protect myself from being swallowed up completely by the darkness.
So I surrendered.
I allowed them to be right.
I withdraw.
I then stopped all communication and severed my ties with them.
It broke my heart that it had come to this, but the moment I withdrew and cut the energetic chords, I felt liberated, free, renewed and resurrected. I felt my light coming back into my body again, like thawing out after a very long icy winter.
I know I’m not out of the woods yet, because I know that in order to fully heal, I have to completely forgive.
The phrase kept coming to me all the time I was being betrayed, ‘Forgive them for they know not what they do’. This is sometimes so hard to do because we feel so ‘wronged’ and wounded. However we all experience life through our own perceptions, through our own filter of what we believe is right and true. And when someones truth is not aligned with our own truth, we clash. Sometimes brutally.
And this is how wars begin.
My message for you this month is to remind you to not take things so personally. Rather than making others wrong for their beliefs, opinions, projections and actions, step away and let them experience their own truth in their own way. It’s only when we want to ‘Prove We Are Right’ that the conflict within ourselves and others begin. Don’t expect others to follow your beliefs, because they are not on the same path as you. By following your own path and acting on your personal beliefs is the only way as individuals get to grow, learn and evolve.
If you’re experiencing things in life that make you feel like the victim, express your hurt, upset and pain. This can be done by letting your emotions go, scream, shout, get angry. Or if you find it hard to express emotion, write down all your feelings and thoughts. This helps to calm your nervous system that's been in the freeze, flight and fight response. Then dig a little deeper and use the wise part of you to see the truth behind it. Is it their projection? Or is there something you need to take responsibility for? Be the observer of the situation, rather than the person who was 'wronged'. This will give you the insight and clarity to move forward powerfully.
Once you have done that, reclaim your peace and your joy and move on with your life the best way you know how. Believe that everything in your life is unfolding perfectly in your favour and trust that the universe is always working for you, not against you. You cannot experience your light until you have experienced the dark. And once you acknowledge your own darkness, you can recognise someone else’s darkness, and instead of taking it personally and making them wrong, you'll see the truth of what is really going on for them.
And once you truly know yourself and love yourself warts and all, nothing that anyone can say or do will rock your boat again. Nothing will harm you except your own thoughts about yourself, creating your own inner crucifixion.
To shine your light to diminish the darkness, all you have to do is open yourself up to the love inside and project it outwards. This will help guide you back to your truth, other people's truth, and ultimately you will be a beacon of light guiding yourself and all of us back home.