Dr Kirstin Barchia

16/02/2026

Have you ever learned a great strategy to help your teen… only for your teen to throw it back in your face?

Sometimes it can feel like they’re programmed to say “no”.

Like they turned 13 and a switch flicked in their brain that says mum and dad are old and know NOTHING...don’t listen to them.

It’s so frustrating.

So you pick your words carefully, thinking about how to say what you think without triggering them… and instead of “that’s so helpful, thank you”, you get the opposite.

At the upcoming Calm Connected tweens and teens summit I will be presenting the 4 common traps parents fall into when they try to have “helping” conversations with their teens. Comment summit and I will send you the link to register free.

05/02/2026

Austin Appelbee is 13 years old.

He recently failed his swimming assessment because he couldn't swim 350 metres continuously.

Last week, he swam about 4 kilometres through choppy ocean waters - where sharks are known to frequent - to save his family's life.

When their inflatable paddleboards drifted out to sea off the WA coast, Austin's mum - with her heart in her mouth and as a last-hope desperate prayer - sent him back in a leaking kayak to get help. When that failed, he ditched the kayak and then the life jacket (it was slowing him down) and swam.

For four hours. Through waves and wind. Who knows what was in the water. In open ocean.

He told himself, "Not today. I have to keep going."

When his legs buckled on the sand, he ran another 2km to call emergency services. His family was rescued just as darkness fell.

Police called his efforts "superhuman." (His swimming instructor probably wishes they'd seen this side of him.)

This is a heroic story. I love it. But I'm sharing this because:

Austin didn't become a different kid in that moment. The same determination, grit, and love that got him through those waters was already there. The crisis just revealed it.

I'm constantly reminding parents - you don't know you're resilient until you have to be resilient. And being resilient doesn't usually feel resilient. It feels like "I can't" far more than it feels like "look at me being awesomely resilient".

We spend so much time worrying about whether our kids are ready for life's challenges. Whether they're tough enough. Capable enough. Whether we've done enough.

Austin's story reminds me that kids have reserves we can't always see in the everyday moments. And that when it really matters, they'll find what they need.

What an incredible young man.

04/02/2026

If you have a child who has refused school at any point then you have probably heard the following advice.

Turn off the wifi.

Make home less fun.

Give them chores to do.

Create a step by step return to school plan.

But throwing strategies like these at a school refusal problem is like randomly trying numbers on a keylock and hoping it opens.

Only the right combination in the right order opens a lock.

Only the right strategies in the right order will unlock your child’s difficulties attending school.

The strategies you use with your teen need to match their actual problem.

Where the problem with school attendance is being caused by gaming addiction, then turning off home wifi may help…

But if the problem is the result of Autism burnout from sensory overload and stress navigating the complexities of Year 9 friendships…

…then turning off the wifi and making home less fun may not shift very much at all.

The key to helping your teen overcome school refusal is to understand the cause of their problem and then work together to implement strategies to help them resolve the cause or overcome their difficulty.

For some teens once the problem is identified and a solution in place it is easier (and better for them) to jump in and return to school full time rather than an hour at a time.

For other teens they may need to return gradually but with discussion about the time of day and the classes and activities they find easier to attend rather than a standardised return to school plan.

Too many times I have seen students given mismatched strategies for their difficulties.

Every situation needs a tailored plan.

Assumptions are your own worst enemy.

Rather than listening to what helped someone else and trying that strategy, you need to listen to your teen.

Not every teen with anxiety about attending school has separation anxiety.

Not every teen who games refuses school so they can game more.

Not every teen with autism who school refuses has PDA or is in autistic burnout.

You need to know your kid, where they are at, why they are refusing school and gradually step by step work them through a combination of strategies in the right order that will help them get to school.

How do you do this?

Through curious, collaborative coaching conversations with your teen that identify the problem.

Collaborative conversations with school staff if needed.

Therapist support for your teen and family if needed.

If you are wanting to learn more about how to understand your teen’s school refusal or reluctance and work with them to bring back Monday morning ease without giving in or ignoring the problem then I have a specialised parent training that could help. Click here to learn more www.kirstinbarchia.com.au/school

04/02/2026

It’s not the strategies. It’s the fit. School reluctance is the symptom not the problem. Working together to understand the actually problem is what makes the difference.
Want to learn more about the actual problems and how to talk to your teen about them? My $87 parent training in School Reluctance can help. Comment school for all the details.

02/02/2026

With school returning this week in Australia many parents of teens will look with envy at other parents posting first day of school photos. School is tough for a lot of teens and their families. As many as 1 in 3 families report their child has had a period of school refusal. It’s not bad parenting but parents need more support. Research shows that after a school break is the time when teens are most likely to develop school refusal that can be long lasting and the sooner kids get back to school the easier the return is for them. If your teen is struggling, Here’s some info about my teen school reluctance training for parents www.kirstinbarchia.com.au/school

02/02/2026

With school returning this week in Australia I want to acknowledge all the parents out there who’ve had a tough morning. For many families with teens return to school is not the return to an uninterrupted work day and the house to yourself, but the return to feeling judged and alone while trying to navigate strong emotions and a teen that struggles. Research shows that after a school break is the time when teens are most likely to develop school refusal that can be long lasting and the sooner kids get back to school the easier the return is for them. We need more resources to help parents at the 7am wake up point and the 9pm download. School reluctance is complex. Want some help? Comment school and I can send you details about my teen school reluctance parent training.

21/12/2025

20/12/2025

Keeping screen time down in the holidays is a challenge. Comment screens and I can send you more tips.

19/12/2025

Christmas is often a time where we reflect on family relationships, and the relationship I want you to think about today is your relationship with your teenager — but not just the relationship you have with them today. I want you to think about the relationship you want to have with them when they’re 24.

When they’re 24, you want them to willingly come home for Christmas and be excited to see you.

So this Christmas, I want you to think about how you can strengthen your relationship with your teenager during this stressful period — when they’re glued to devices, refusing to help, or pushing your buttons. How can you connect with them differently? How can you build trust and nurture the kind of relationship that lasts?

Imagine a Christmas where your 24-year-old comes home not because you spent their teen years people-pleasing, doing everything yourself, burning out, and then snapping at everyone… but because you genuinely worked to understand them. Because you slowed down, saw their experience, showed up for them, and helped them feel safe and valued. And imagine them turning around and helping you out on Christmas Day — how good would that feel?

I want to encourage you that this is possible. That this Christmas can be the beginning of strengthening your relationship with your teen. And that into the next year, you can keep building that connection so that when they’re 24, they are not only willingly coming home for Christmas lunch — they’re thanking you for how you were there for them during their teenage years.

19/12/2025

Christmas is a beautiful time of year, but for many families of teenagers, it’s also a stormy one. Teens finally exhale after a massive year. Parents are carrying the invisible load of organising, cooking, wrapping, hosting, and managing everyone’s expectations. Those two internal worlds collide, and suddenly the smallest moments — a forgotten dishwasher, a closed bedroom door, the tenth request to put down the phone — feel bigger than they need to be.

So here’s a gentle perspective shift as we move toward the holiday season.

In Australia, we hope for a sunny Christmas Day, but we all know we might also be met with summer rain. If it rains, we accept it and make a plan B. We don’t panic. We adapt.

The same is true for the emotional weather inside your home. The end of the year brings predictable internal storms: your own fatigue, the pressure of wrapping up work, the mental load of hosting, and the emotional edges that come with seeing family. Your teen, meanwhile, is craving downtime after a full year of school, assessments, friendships, and constant expectations. Put these two things together and yes — an emotional thunderstorm is more likely to roll in.

But there’s nothing wrong with storms. Storms pass.

So take a breath. Acknowledge that this season is busy and intense, and that you don’t need to parent your teen as if the weather should be clear blue skies. Look after yourself. Make space for a rest. Drop the pressure where you can. Prepare emotionally for a season that might be a little bumpy — not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because it’s simply that time of year.

And when the moment feels calm for both of you, gently revisit shared expectations about screens, chores, and responsibilities. Calm conversations land better than urgent ones.

18/12/2025

Getting teens to help out is tough. Particularly at this time of year.

You ask them to unpack the dishwasher, do a load of washing, or pick up the shoes from the front door before family arrive, and they seem to ignore you and just continue lying on the couch relaxing.

Let me give you some tips to help.

I want you to resist the temptation to judge your child’s character based on their behaviour at this time of year. Your child is not lazy. They’re not manipulative. They’re not entitled. Step out of those really black-and-white thoughts you have about your child. They’ll only make you feel more stressed, and they’re not helpful for your teen either.

I want you to shift into a headspace of understanding your teenager and then working together to get them involved in helping out. It’s understandable that at this time of year they’re ready to relax while you’re ramping up. It’s understandable that there’s going to be some tension because you’ve got a huge mental to-do list, and they’re checking out at the end of the school year.

So let’s just acknowledge that there is a mismatch of expectations to begin with — and that’s where some of your teen’s “I’m just chilling” response is coming from.

What I want you to do instead is approach them with the belief that they can follow your instructions if you set the conditions well. Time your requests thoughtfully, manage your expectations, communicate directly, and follow up gently.

Everyone is here to help — you don’t have to do it all alone.

17/12/2025

Christmas with teens can feel a little… stormy. ⛈️
Screens. Shoes at the door. One-word answers at the dinner table. Sound familiar?

Here’s the reframe:
This season always brings emotional weather. You’re tired and carrying the mental load. Your teen is finally relaxing after a huge year. 🌧️ + 😴 = friction.

Take a breath. Lower the pressure. Prepare for a few storms — the emotional kind.
And save the conversations about screens and chores for a calm moment, not a chaotic one.

Storms pass. And calm comes back. 💛