
15/10/2024
I want to get raw and real for a minute.
It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt safe to share our journey with infertility, it’s amazing how many people and who judge you for being open about your experience.
We struggled with infertility for 3 years. During that time it was a rollercoaster! I already knew I had PCOS, but went on to be diagnosed with Endometriosis and Adenomyosis after a brief ovarian cancer scare. After unsuccessfully falling pregnant naturally post surgery, we started our IVF journey.
We created some beautiful and healthy embryos, 2 failed to implant at all, and 2 implanted technically, but were termed biochemical pregnancy. I often feel the need to term them very early miscarriages or only ours for a day. In fact our first transfer was a biochemical, but because I was in denial, I didn’t believe the tiny little faint line meant anything, I didn’t honestly want to go there. So when we shared our story, I physically took out the tests from the photo so they weren’t seen, and just left it as a failed transfer. It wasn’t until the second biochemical and seeing the reproductive immunologist that confirmed they were both biochemical pregnancies/early miscarriages that I began to process what had actually happened. With the first, I had such strong symptoms and I still remember the day they suddenly disappeared along with that little line.
It was rough!
It still breaks my heart that those two beautiful babies weren’t able to be here with us earthside, I’m grateful that those two flutters, that experience helped lead us to having a healthier and more successful pregnancy for our daughter. Without them, we wouldn’t have had the interventions we did that quite possibly are the only reason I was able to carry her as long as I did.
Infant and pregnancy loss sucks! Our greater family has seen losses, and miscarriages. Close friends have had losses. I’ve had early losses. The aftermath isn’t something that society supports well sadly. The loss is heartbreaking. The grief is deep.
Today, I want to remember all the angels that were never able to take a breath but left permanent impressions on our hearts.