31/12/2021
2021: No more energy wasted on regretting the past
I am sure that I am not the only one to have often wished that they had made different decisions, chosen an alternative path, or turned right instead of left at significant crossroads in life. Hindsight can be both a blessing and a curse – and more often the latter.
Once a decision has been made, and the action informed by that choice taken, we are powerless to undo the consequences, unless of course we can travel back in time. While we often believe that we can accurately predict the outcome of an action, it is easy to overlook potential ramifications, some of which may not even emerge for weeks, months or years after the point of decision making.
Of course, many day -to-day – and significant life choices - result in creating a life that we are, for the most part, content with. Sadly, this is not always the case. Cue Regret. We wish that we had turned left instead of right, not said something, or wish that we had spoken up. We spend time debating the ‘if onlys’ around and around in our busy minds. Why did we take/not take that job, marry/not marry that person, move house/not move house, spoken our minds/remained silent? If only I had taken that job life would be better. If only I had spoken up life would be better.
Earlier this year my 19 year old daughter asked me if I consider that my life would have been better if I had not had any children. My honest answer was that I do not know. What I do know is that it would have been different – very different.
We can never know how our lives would have turned out if we had made different decisions – or exactly how they will evolve in the future based on choices that we make today. But we can spend a lot of wasted time hypothesising, with Regret our closest confidant, holding onto it so tightly that it keeps us firmly in the past, and the land of ‘What if’. I know. I have been way too friendly with Regret over my 53 years.
2021 has been many things, but most importantly for me it has been the year that I really got to work – on myself. I delved into my past, charted my Loss History, and sought out all of the unresolved grief and undelivered communications that I could find. This was a thorough exercise that included people, institutions, systems and organisations. One by one I worked through each relationship, holding it up to the light in total emotional honesty, and taking responsibility for my responses and reactions. In some instances I could see the role that I played, in others I was clearly a victim. The vital understanding was that at all times I was responsible for my reactions – for holding onto the pain of resentment, frustration, anger, despair, sadness, and the myriad of other emotions that I have experienced over many years.
I wrote letters to all and sundry – letters pouring out every ounce of emotion attached to the losses in my life – and read them to my Heart with Ears before they were burnt; their ashes sent out across the Universe.
And then Regret quietly slipped out the back door – together with all of the What if’s and If Onlys. They also took with them all my wishes that things could have been different. Fortunately, they left Love, Compassion and Hope in their wake.
It’s been challenging, exhausting at times, but worth it. 2021: the year without vengeful thoughts. The year without suicidal thoughts. No more energy wasted on regretting the past.
There will be more decisions and choices that I will wish that I hadn’t made. There will be more losses. This is inevitable. When they occur I will take them out and do the work. Regret may keep knocking – but the door will stay closed.
May 2022 be the year where you are able to let go of ‘Shoulda, Coulda, Wouda’ and wishing for what might have been.
Life really is too short to waste another minute.
With much love to all. Here’s thanks to the year that has been and sharing hope and love for the year to come.
