25/08/2025
Let’s talk about children being ‘compliant’...
There’s this outdated belief still hanging around that if we hand out enough consequences or remove enough privileges, kids will “learn” to behave. And while this can be helpful for reinforcing expectations and boundaries, the truth is it does nothing to build skills.
And here’s the thing... for some children, especially those who’ve experienced trauma, it’s not about defiance… It’s about survival.
Aggression, defiance, emotional outbursts... these aren’t calculated acts of rebellion…They’re protective reflexes... the body doing what it knows, when it doesn’t feel safe and being driven by areas of the brain that can’t tell the difference between the stress of being overstimulated, being told ‘no’ by a frowning adult or the defensive response required for responding to a predatory animal.
A little brain preparing to react defensively without reflecting….
Let’s reframe this:
❌ “They could behave if they really wanted to”
To this:
✅“What’s stopping them from feeling safe enough to try?”
Because connection isn’t the reward for good behaviour...
It’s the starting point for everything.
When a child feels safe:
💛 They can begin to regulate.
💛💛 Once they can regulate, they can learn.
💛💛💛 When they can learn, they start meeting expectations.
Children don’t need tougher consequences.
They need us: calm, patient, and grounded, even when things are messy.
This shift from control to connection ~
That’s where healing begins.
More on this topic in our online training: https://www.complexcare.com.au/complex-trauma-and-attachment-in-children-brochure/
