23/03/2026
I cleaned yesterday, and on sitting down to do some work, I found this glorious mess before me (well it was scattered all over the floor, I picked it up and put it on the table 🤪).
I’ve asked the kids not to leave the house without putting their things away… or to push the coffee table with their feet… and to tidy the blankets up in the tv cabinet if they decide to play ‘zoos’ in there…..
To be honest, it drives me nuts. But I’ve realised the mess is only a tiny fraction of the actual issue. What’s far more impactful is the meaning I slather on top of it.
The thought that they’re not listening to me. That they’re ignoring me. That they’re disrespecting me.
The frustration about the mess is real—any parent reading this will get that. But the subconscious story I add to it is what takes it from a mild irritation to anger. And it’s those thoughts that keep the feeling lingering long after the situation has been handled.
So I’ve been questioning them. Do my kids listen? Yes… they actually do (even though I tell myself they don’t). Do they always do what I ask? No. Are they trying to disrespect me? Definitely not. They’re just kids being kids.
The argument from many people is, “yeah but how does acknowledging this change the situation?” Which is a valid question.
Initially it doesn’t change the messy chaos of the house, but what it does change is the internal chaos. The frustration isn’t as loud and it doesn’t linger the same way. And for me personally, that’s made a huge difference to my nervous system, which then shifts how I relate to my kids. And the way I relate to my kids will shape their nervous system too, and how they go on to see and respond to their world.
So the house is still messy at times, but there’s more patience and peace inside of me where anger used to jump in. Same external house, but a much cleaner, calmer internal one.
IMPORTANT: Feelings are real, don’t dismiss them. They’re your body communicating with you. But the thoughts that inspire much of what we feel are interpretation, and not all of them are true.
When you question the thoughts, you create the capacity to break the mental–emotional loop that builds intensity. And it’s that intensity that often leads us to react in ways we later regret. The situation may still require follow through, (ie I am still going to be on my kids case about tidying up) but it can be handled from a much more peaceful place.
FYI: I’m not perfect at this, but I am clear about the sort of person I want to be, which means I am committed to trying… every single day. And I say it like that because I apply this same inquiry to all circumstances, not just the kids.
