27/10/2024
SEEK HELP IF YOU FEEL YOU MAY HAVE SLIPPED INTO COMPLICATED GRIEF
Complicated grief is a severe and long-lasting form of grief that takes over one’s life. This is very common in the aftermath of abusive relationships because victims never get the validation they wished for, nor do they get a sense of closure.
Following the end of an abusive relationship, a lot is left unfinished, including unsettled disputes, the discrediting of your character, questions unanswered, and unrequited love.
You’re left hanging, unable to complete your relationship with your abuser, and feeling stuck in the pain of your grief.
What makes this type of grief so excruciating is that you must grieve twice – once for the person who love-bombed you, and for whom you fought to bring back amidst soul-shattering abuse, as well as grieving the end of the relationship.
Implementing No Contact in Its True Form
Many victims of narcissistic abuse prolong their suffering by leaving a window open, in the event the narcissist decides to reach out. Across the forums and chat rooms, countless victims describe how they’ve maintained “no contact” for such a long time, but then receive a call or email from their ex. If the narcissist has a way in, then no contact hasn’t been properly executed. This is the primary cause of not being able to heal because, as long as your abuser has a way in, true healing cannot take place.
Once the narcissist successfully reaches out and provokes a response, you’re back in the thick of the abuse. (If children are involved, a very strict plan for modified contact should be legally documented, entered, and enforced).
Remember, narcissists are smug in their belief that you will surrender to their manipulations. Their feelings of entitlement and perceived power reduces your chances of emotional healing after narcissistic abuse.
Stop Researching Narcissism
During the phase of discovery, educating yourself about narcissism is essential in understanding the traits of the disorder, and helps you recognise the dynamics of abusive relationships. However, when it’s time to truly heal, your focus should then turn to healing methods, to repair your self-care, self-worth, and self-love.
Constant research on the traits of narcissism keeps your focus on them, not on you or your recovery. Remember the old saying, “What fires together, wires together”? Each time you repeat a particular thought or action, you reinforce the connection between your neurons, turning those thoughts into a way of life, and thus influencing your day-to-day reality. Implementing self-care patterns that are positive and healthy may be difficult at first but, with practice, they too will become habitual and will help you recover faster.
Improve Your Self-Esteem
The number one, most important thing to realise is that the perceived rejection from your abuser is an illusion. Their primary goal is to make you feel invalidated - invisible. What that means is that, even if they secretly think you’re attractive, successful, fun to be around, or the best partner they’ve ever had, they will NEVER admit to it, unless they are trying to keep you in the queue.
Narcissists strive to take away every last shred of your self-esteem because that’s how they keep you hooked… To keep you thinking, “I am damaged goods. Better to have someone who treats me like crap than no one at all.”
Remember, most of what comes out of their mouth is a lie, including the negative things they say about you.
Habits to Avoid During Emotional Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
While healing is different for everyone, there are particular things we do that hinder healing, and can even reverse any progress we may have made.
Ironically, these are activities that every person coming out of a toxic relationship does.
True healing begins with looking inside to your own inner, wounded core. Nothing outside of you will help you heal because your emotional injuries are within. Instead of researching narcissism, turn your focus to healing the damage this caused on your self-esteem and healing the toxic shame that the narcissist cultivated inside you, in order to keep you dependent upon them.
What fires together, wires together. Meaning, whatever you feed your mind on a daily basis is what determines your baseline thought patterns.
So, don’t allow your mind to wander back to them, focus all your energy on healing yourself; mind, body, heart, and soul.
Don’t Wait For Time to Heal Your Wounds, Heal Them Yourself
Time doesn’t heal, it simply passes. Emotional healing after narcissistic abuse has everything to do with what you do with that time.
The key to recovery is action, not time.
The subconscious mind is impersonal. It will work to achieve whatever goals you set before it, whether good or bad. Present it with goals of healing and recovery, and it will work to help you achieve those goals.
When you do begin your healing work, keep in mind that, in order for your subconscious mind to heal, it must experience healing events.
You must actively engage in healing activities in order for new neural patterns to form in your brain, not just learn about them, do them.
A good rule of thumb is to choose a healing habit and practice it every day for at least 21 days.
Stop Scrolling and Start Listening to Your Inner Voice
It’s tempting to get into the habit of collecting information from social media and different websites, but you run the risk of becoming so overwhelmed with the mountain of data you have read or listened to that you simply freeze, unable to form an actionable plan.
Try to stick to a handful of authors whom you have grown to trust. Stop simply collecting information, instead, begin the programs that are suggested or created by the authors whom you admire the most.
It’s never too late to reclaim your life – to find yourself on the path towards your soul’s true healings and cravings.
You hold the power to survive tough times and come out stronger, better, wiser, and more connected to your soul than ever before.
If this has brought up anything for you and/or you would like to discuss other ways to help you move through the pain you hold within you, please feel free to book a 1:1 soul chat with me here: https://www.naturallynessa.com.au/contact