25/12/2015
Many parents want to raise their children to become caring adults, but kids often hear mixed messages from their parents regarding the importance of kindness. A recent study by Harvard psychologist Richard Weissbourd found that “80 percent [of youth]... said their parents were more concerned with their achievement or happiness than whether they cared for others.” The overwhelmingly majority of children also believed that their parents care more about their grades than if they are kind. That's why Weissbourd runs Harvard's Making Caring Common Project focused on strengthening the "abilities of parents and caretakers, schools, and community members to develop caring, ethical children.” In the Washington Post, he shared his top five tips for parents and educators on how to raise kids that care.
The first step to raising kind kids is making it clear that kindness is a priority. By recognizing caring gestures as much as individual accomplishments, parents send a strong message that kindness is valued in their family. Along with that, parents need to provide guidance with how to deal with destructive emotions. Reminding kids that “anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings... are okay, but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful.” This will help them learn positive ways to cope with these emotions “so that [they] can express [their] feelings in a helpful and appropriate way.”
The best way to do both is to model what you want your kids to do: “Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect.” You don’t have to be perfect, but showing your children that you’re striving for kindness is a powerful message. One easy way to model compassion for others, according to Weissbourd, is by doing a community service project together as a family on a regular basic.
Parents also need to remember that “[c]hildren need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others’ lives.” Both real life and media like TV shows and video games provide opportunities to discuss whether people or characters are being considerate of other people’s needs and feelings. The Making Caring Common project also encourages parents to widen their children’s “circle of concern.” It’s easy to care for your family and close friends, but “[o]ur challenge is help our children learn to care about someone outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn’t speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country.”
“Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them,” the researchers say in their study. “They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood.” By working to raise kind kids, they conclude, we can “make these values live and breathe in the day-to-day interactions of every school and home.”
To read all of the Making Caring Common Project’s tips on the Washington Post at http://wapo.st/1sy0MnH -- or visit the Making Caring Common Project website at http://bit.ly/VqI3Nz
For more guidance on raising kind kids, check out Weissbourd's book "The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral and Emotional Development" at http://www.amightygirl.com/the-parents-we-mean-to-be
For another excellent parenting book focused on how to teach kids to be kind online - especially in social media interactions - we highly recommend "Kindness Wins" at http://www.amightygirl.com/kindness-wins
To show children how one act of kindness can bloom into something much greater, we recommend "Plant a Kiss" for ages 2 to 8 at http://www.amightygirl.com/plant-a-kiss
For two wonderful books that help foster children's compassion for others by giving them a visual way to think about kindness, we highly recommend "Have You Filled a Bucket Today: A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids" for ages 4 to 8 (http://www.amightygirl.com/have-you-filled-a-bucket-today) and its sequel "Growing Up With A Bucket Full Of Happiness" for ages 9 to 12 (http://www.amightygirl.com/growing-up-with-a-bucket-full-of-happiness)
And, for books to help children better understand and manage their emotions, check out the reading recommendations in our recent post, "Understanding The Way I Feel: Mighty Girl Books About Managing Emotions," at http://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=9398
Hi! My name is Natalie Doyle. As a psychologist and a cognitive behavioural therapist.
