03/05/2026
Everything comes back to how safe we feel - everything: how we feel and behave, whether we can connect, learn, play - or not. It all comes back to felt safety.
The foundation of felt safety for kids and teens is connection with their important adults.
Actually, connection with our important people is the foundation of felt safety for all of us.
All kids will struggle with feeling a little disconnected at times. All of us adults do too. Why? Because our world gets busy sometimes, and ‘busy’ and ‘connected’ are often incompatible.
In trying to provide the very best we can for them, sometimes ‘busy’ takes over. This will happen in even the most loving families.
This is when you might see kiddos withdraw a little, or get bigger with their behaviour, maybe more defiant, bigger feelings. This is a really normal (though maybe very messy!) attempt to restore felt safety through connection.
We all do this in our relationships. We’re more likely to have little scrappy arguments with our partners, friends, loved adults when we’re feeling disconnected from them.
This isn’t about wilful attempt, but an instinctive, primal attempt to restore felt safety through visibility. Because for any human, (any mammal really), to feel unseen is to feel unsafe.
Here’s the fix. Notice them when they are unnoticeable. If you don’t have time for longer check-ins or conversations or play, that’s okay - dose them up with lots of micro-moments of connection.
Micro-moments matter. Repetition matters - of loving incidental comments, touch, laughter. It all matters. They might not act like it does in the moment - but it does. It really does.
And when you can, something else to add in is putting word to the things you do for them that might go unnoticed - but doing this in a joyful way - not in a ‘look at what I do for you’ way.
‘Guess what I’m making for dinner tonight because I know how much you love it … pizza!’
‘I missed you today. Here you go - I brought these car snacks for you. I know how much you love these.’
‘I feel like I haven’t had enough time with you today. I can’t wait to sit down and have dinner with you.’ ❤️
