Stephanie Butler MFT PLLC

08/08/2025

Understanding betrayal trauma is the first step towards healing. Our latest blog post provides a little insight into what it means and how to recover. Read more: https://wix.to/2HSYFn0

I have never wanted to do "affair recovery" work. However, so much of what finally gets people to marriage therapy is betrayal, so I got thrown into the deep end of that pool and have done a lot of work to be able to help my clients get to a healthier safer space in their recovery process.There are....

07/08/2025

Wouldn't it be amazing if someone could just guide us through our problems? 🌟 Check out our latest blog post to explore the essence of making decisions and why it can feel overwhelming. Read more: https://wix.to/JDvIbF2

Wouldn't it be great if we all had some one to just tell us the right thing to do to solve all of our problems??Well, maybe... but I suspect that few, if any of us, would actually listen. Often times a client will tell me, "I come here so you'll just tell me what to do!" Sometimes it seems super cle...

24/07/2025

Our clients only have to spent 5 seconds in our offices to know we LOVE our plants. Our owner, Steffi, spent most of July in Costa Rica and could not help but be mesmerized by the beauty of the tropical flora. What are the odds we can grow any of these in Arizona???

01/07/2025

https://youtu.be/nBN9zG1JNPg?si=2Piz6PbBmJPFORtU

Can conflict actually bring you and your partner closer? It depends on how you fight, say Julie and John Gottman, the world’s leading relationship scientists...

30/06/2025

All the feels…
Story is so central to the healing process. takes the audience with her on the journey of discovering who her mom was - complex, imperfect, maybe a little broken,and also doing her best.

One of the hallmarks of healing is being able to sustain the tension that cognitive dissonance creates and sit comfortably in all the gray bits of life. Maybe my parent wasn’t perfect, maybe they weren’t at all what I needed, but I can see them for who they were and hold space for that, and love them still.

I can recall my own anger with my dad, my feelings of abandonment and bitterness dissipate as I heard his story and began to piece together the puzzle of his life. What’s left is compassion. What’s left is deep sadness. Sadness for him and what he’s missed and sadness for me.

I echo Marishka’s conclusion with her mother, though. “I love you and I miss you.”

This documentary was beautifully done. Bonus if you’re a little older and your parents were into classic movies. ;-) Lots of familiar faces.

26/06/2025

Tip 5 of 5: Every reaction or response to your boundaries is nothing more than information.
Not every reaction or response needs a response from you. In relationships, I like to view everything as "information." For example, a friend never calls back, doesn't like to make plans, takes a long time to respond - instead of being hurt, I am going to take that as information. This person is telling me something. Based off of their situation, I can draw some conclusions. All things being equal, I probably do not fall on their list of priorities where they fall on mine. To avoid hurt, disappointment, etc...I should consider moving them down on my list of priorities. Now, let's say this friend has cancer, is going through a divorce, is caring for a sick parent. It might be that they are overwhelmed, managing their own "stuff," etc... I may want to check in and say, "Hey, I know a lot is going on in your world, just want you to know I'm thinking of you and I'm here if you need anything." I don't need to be an extra thing for that friend to worry about or add to their stress.
Similarly, with you narcissist or emotionally immature person, their reactions/responses are telling you something. If they throw a tantrum or chew you out because of your boundary, you have new information. It's likely that their need to control outcomes is greater than their care/respect for you. What are you going to do with that new information? Do you need to adjust how much space, power or time you give that relationship? Perhaps. Do you need to create more distance? Likely.
Instead of trying to control their responses or calm them down, be thankful for this new information that helps inform how you will proceed in the relationship.

26/06/2025

Tip 4 of 5 in learning to gain FREEDOM in communicating with a narcissit or emotionally immature person.

If you've already been trying tips 1-3, you may feel like you haven't gotten to expalin yourself. You may feel like you're losing the battle, b/c theirs seems to be the final word or the loudest voice in the room. Hang tight - eventually, there will be distance, they will get bored, and you can breathe a deep sigh of relief!

Tip 4 of 5: Resist the urge to over explain or defend your choices/boundaries.

When you begin to set boundaries that are healthy, you will notice what I call the "cat in the water" reaction from the narc in your life. Narcississts loathe healthy boundaries. They will throw all manner of fits and do all sorts of ridiculous things to get you to jump in and make an exception or explain yourself AGAIN. Resist. Behave your boundaries. Move along with your plan. Keep walking forwad without explanation or defense.

25/06/2025

Tip 3 of 5 in learning to communicate with someone who is emotionally immature or displays narcississtic behaviors.

It is not possible to be TOO brief.
If you can't say it in two sentences or less, you probably are over explaining and getting sucked back into the vortex. If the narc. cannot get you to engage, they may try for a little while, but eventually will give up. Remember, they need fuel. Arguing with you, getting you to get activated and emotional and react is excellent fuel. If you don't engage, they will run out of fuel and have to go find it elsewhere.

Example:
Narc: You haven't ever actually told me what I did that hurt you.
You: (knowing you've actually written a 300 page email detailing all of the things) "At this point, my time is better spent on conversations that lead to peace."
Now, they will try and engage you again. Just repeat yourself. "I'm really working on my own peace right now." "I'm unwilling to engage in this conversation..." and then stop responding. If you are in person, you'll need to set the boundary, "If this continues, I will need to leave. Let's change the subject." If they don't stop - follow through with the boundary and leave.

22/06/2025

Tip 2 of 5 helping you learn to exit the narcissist's vortex and gain freedom in your communication.

2 of 5: Get comfortable being the villain in their story.

This doesn't mean you ARE the problem or you agree with their story. It does mean a few things. They are not the "judge and jury." Typically, when they can get you into an argument about who is to "blame" they are very skilled at coming out looking like the victim and making you either look guilty or ridiculous. Stop arguing. Much like tip 1, learn to just be quite. Let them spiral and spin. Let them spin a tale about how awful you are, and allow the evidence to speak for itself. Allow your behavior and the results to demonstrate the truth.
Some people will always think it's you. And guess what, that's okay. What another person thinks or believes does not actually have to impact your life at all. If that person believes the tale of your perpetration of evil, they probably are not your kind of person anyhow. So, let them go. Distance yourself and create a tighter inner circle of folks who know you and don't need an explanation.

22/06/2025

If you've ever had to communicate with someone, who displays narcissistic tendencies or is emotionally immature, you have probably reached the point of exasperation. There are five things you can do to help decrease the frustrating elements of these discussions and experience FREEDOM from the chaotic storm that they stir.

Follow along this week for all five of our tips!

1 of 5: Everyone is entitled to their own version of the story.

You will frustrate yourself to no end, if you try and correct all of the misinformation, inaccuracies, misrepresentations, gaslighting, etc... Instead, learn to accept that the other person has a different version. That doesn't mean it matches yours, it does mean you don't have to spend time arguing about it. You don't even need to share yours. The quickest way to end a conversation with someone like this is to say, "Okay."
Example: You know that your mother promised to pick your son up for a trip to the park. She didn't show. Now, she is rewriting the story saying that you are at fault and she never said (all the things you clearly remember her saying).
Instead of arguing, going on a fact finding mission, or pulling evidence, just say, "Okay."
You're probably thinking, "But, then it will keep happening." Well, stay tuned for tips 4-5 to learn how to stop that!

17/06/2025

So thankful for and and their tireless work for victims of abuse! I have considered Jessica a partner in my calling to rid the world of predators.

Cactus Wren is proud to partner with Winged Hope!

06/06/2025

☀️ Summer Freedom + Structure = Happy Kids 🌵
While summer brings a break from school, kids still thrive on routine—and so do parents!

At Cactus Wren Family Therapy, we often remind families that even a flexible routine helps children and teens feel more secure, regulated, and cooperative.

Here’s why routine matters in summer:
🕒 Creates a sense of stability
🍽️ Encourages healthy sleep and eating habits
🎯 Reduces anxiety and behavioral challenges
📚 Keeps learning and growth on track

It doesn’t have to be rigid—just predictable. Think: consistent wake-up times, meals, screen limits, and space for fun!

💬 Need help building a summer routine that works for your family? We're here to help.