Thought Science Psychology Clinic

11/02/2025

Why We Push Away the People We Love: The Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Cycle

Ever felt like no matter how much you try to connect with your partner, they keep pulling away? Or maybe you feel overwhelmed when your partner wants more closeness?

This is the classic anxious-avoidant dynamic—one partner craves connection while the other withdraws to protect their independence. The more one pursues, the more the other distances, creating a frustrating cycle that pushes both partners apart.

Typically, the anxious partner feels rejected, unimportant, anxious and fears abandonment due to not having their needs of emotional safety and nurturance, and as a way of coping, they demand closeness through smothering the other partner in relationship, often pushing their partners and relationships away. Reinforcing the person who is anxiously attached feeling more rejected and abandoned.

On the other side, the avoidant attached individual feels misunderstood, trapped, suffocated and overwhelmed, usually not having their need of autonomy and emotional space met when younger. They cope by withdrawing, shutting down or avoiding emotional intimacy. Thus, causing an anxious partner to demand more closeness, and then reinforcing the feelings of being misunderstood and suffocated.

How to Break the Cycle:

💡 For the Anxious Partner:

✔️ Self-soothe before reacting—your partner’s need for space isn’t rejection.

✔️ Express needs calmly: "I feel disconnected. Can we spend some time together?"

✔️ Build inner security—your partner can’t be your only source of reassurance.

💡 For the Avoidant Partner:

✔️ Instead of shutting down, communicate: "I need some space, but I’ll come back."

✔️ Offer small moments of connection—it reassures your partner without overwhelming you.

✔️ Challenge the fear of being trapped—closeness doesn’t mean losing yourself.

💡 For Both Partners:

✔️ Set a routine for emotional check-ins to avoid constant push-pull.

✔️ Use "I feel..." statements instead of blame.

✔️ Recognize the pattern and shift from me vs. you to us vs. the cycle.

A secure relationship isn’t about changing each other but co-creating a space where both feel safe, understood, and valued

10/12/2024

Do You Struggle with the fear of being alone or unlovable? Ever feel like the people you care about might leave you? Or maybe you’re constantly looking for reassurance in your relationships? This could be tied to something called the abandonment schema, a deep fear that people close to you won’t stick around.

Here’s a quick breakdown of what it is, where it comes from, and how it can affect your relationships👇

The abandonment schema is a core belief that the people you rely on such as friends, family, or partner will leave you emotionally or physically and as a consequence of this fear, people can act in ways that get in the way of their relationships such as:

😩Clinginess or needing constant reassurance, often smothering partners and friendships
🤔Mistrust, jealousy or thinking partner may leave, causing constant arguments within relationships.
✅ Pushing people away to “test” them and to see whether they will leave, often destroying trust in the relationship.
👻Avoiding closeness and intimacy to protect one self from fear of being alone and unlovable.
💔 Self-sabotage: Pushing people away because you’re scared they’ll hurt you first.

The abandonment schema usually starts in childhood. Some examples may be:

💔 Divorce or separation of parents (e.g. foster care, caregiver unable to take care of child)
👶 Inconsistent caregiving (like emotional unavailability) e.g. parents having to work all of the time. Complex mental health difficulties with the caregiver.
⚰️ Losing a loved one early in life
🥀 Feeling neglected or emotionally unsupported by your caregiver.

How Can You Heal?

If you recognise these patterns, you can work through them! Here’s how:

✨ Challenge your beliefs: Ask yourself, “Is this fear really true? What evidence do I have?”
💪 Build self-worth: Focus on loving and trusting yourself first.
🗣️ Communicate openly: Let your partner know about your fears and needs.
💡 Seek support: Therapy (like schema therapy) can help you rewrite the narrative.
🌱 Practice mindfulness: Learn to stay calm and grounded when those fears show up

https://www.thoughtsciencepsychology.com.au/

26/11/2024

What is schema therapy?

The core concept in Schema Therapy is that maladaptive schemas, which are developed during childhood in response to unmet emotional needs, continue to influence individuals into adulthood, often leading to emotional distress and problematic behaviour. Schemas shape how individuals perceive themselves, others and the world around them, and they contribute to issues such as depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, and self-destructive behaviour.
How does schema therapy work?

Schema Therapy aims to help an individual identify maladaptive schemas that were developed through unmet emotional needs, for example an individual that experienced a caregiver leaving in childhood (e.g. divorced parent, parent working a lot) may have a schema of abandonment, meaning that the individual at the core is afraid of people leaving them, so they learn to cope with the fear of abandonment by being over-controlling, people pleasing or avoidant in relationships. Often these coping behaviours push others away and as a consequence the individual suffers persistent difficulties with interpersonal relationships.

After identifying these Schema patterns, the therapist will use experiential techniques to heal emotions, challenge unhelpful thoughts and develop healthier ways of coping.

https://www.thoughtsciencepsychology.com.au/contact

02/10/2024

Often, in the traditional Asian perspective it is seen as a weakness to seek support or to express feelings.

Often Asian children cannot go to their parents/caregivers and show emotion as this is seen as weak or not good enough. It is more important to "be strong", put your head down and focus on grades.

Children with these experiences try to navigate their lives by suppressing their emotions and at the same time work hard to achieve unrelenting goals set by their caregiver to seek approval. It can be a very lonely place for these children with limited connection and understanding.

Sometimes this can follow through into adulthood where an individual lives their life seeking the approval of others, having unrelenting standards, feeling not good enough and feeling misunderstood and lonely.

Making sense of this is important to begin to heal the inner child feelings.

Let's change this narrative:

No, it is not weak to seek support, It is courageous to seek support.

No, your self-worth is not defined by status and approval of others.

No, you are not alone. There are people out there to understand/

Yes, you are good enough!

09/08/2024

What is Obsessive-compulsive Disorder?
Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health disorder that can cause significant distress if not treated.

OCD consists of two main parts

1. Obsessions - unwanted thoughts, mental images or feelings that cause distress

2. Compulsions - persistent ritualistic thoughts and behaviours used to rid of discomfort and obsessions.

It is considered disordered when an individuals spends more than one hour obsessing or completing compulsions.

What is Obsessive-compulsive Disorder?Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health disorder that can cause significant distress if not treated. OCD consists of two main partsObsessions - unwanted thoughts, mental images or feelings that cause distressCompulsions - persistent ritualistic th...

14/07/2024

The new space in Chatswood is set to open in the next week! We have immediate availability.
Email us to book a free 15-minute consultation to see whether we can support your mental health needs.
Email: admin@thoughtsciencepsychology.com.au

09/07/2024

Loneliness is a common experience that many of us face, even when we are with friends or in romantic relationships, we may not feel truly understood by others. This usually stems from childhood experiences through having unmet emotional needs. I draw from my learning in Schema Therapy and write about chronic loneliness, how it is experienced, provide examples and how to heal

Daniel He, a clinical psychologist located in Chatswood, Sydney writes about Chronic loneliness, how it develops, provides examples and explains how to heal from it.