19/03/2026
The Four Horsemen is a term coined by John and Julie Gottman to describe the four behaviours that most commonly predict divorce or relationship breakdown. They are:
🤔 Criticism: blame, judgement, disapproval, perceived character flaws
😤 Defensiveness: making excuses, shifting blame, deflecting responsibility
😶 Stonewalling: shutting down, withdrawing, going silent, cold shoulder
😒 Contempt: mocking, insulting, hostility and disgust
To counteract these destructive behaviours, couples must use Four Antidotes to replace the Four Horsemen.
❤️🩹 Gentle Startup: instead of focusing on a negative behaviour, begin with how you’re feeling and what you need. Use language that describes your experience.
✋🏼 Take Responsibility: own up to your behaviour, apologise, don’t take it personally
🧘🏻♂️ Self-Soothing: Learn to recognise when you’re becoming dysregulated and take a break to calm down before continuing the conversation
🫦 Share Fondness & Admiration: Give compliments, show affection, build mutual respect and appreciation
Do you recognise any of these in your current or past relationships?
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