Internal Family Systems therapy with Argnesh Rose

06/04/2024

Yes

05/03/2024

I noticed this pattern in myself and others as well, when I am at my lowest and I am dealing with big emotions it is the hardest to connect to anything good.
Nature, friends, my Guides, my Ancestors.
A Part of me believes I don't deserve connection., so there is a sense of shame and feeling alone...
Then the penny dropped. This is the internal version of "time out" we give kids with "inappropriate big feelings ". "Go to your room until you can be nice!!"
So I learned my big feelings are unacceptable, I am bad when I feel them, and internalised the voices telling me some feelings make me bad, and when I have them, I don't deserve connection.
I wasn't taught to process my big feelings, I learned to shame myself when I have them and squash them down.
This of course is the pathway to depression, shutting down, or acting out, when the "lid flips" eventually.
Dr Becky Kennedy explains all this so well I her book "Good Inside"

15/01/2024

A bit more from Becky Kennedy's book: her take to understand sibling jealousy.

"Imagine you husband comes home and say: hi Honey, guess what? We are getting a second wife, it will be great, you'll have someone to share with, and you going to be the first wife looking after her. Are you excited? " And then she comes, everyone showers her with attention, all the energy goes to her, and you are expected to be happy and supportive and told off when you want to send them back"

And from the attachment point of view, it is exactly like that. We are wired to attach, especially when under school age when peers become important.

So again, if we can normalise and validate our kids feelings, and reassure them instead of punishment and shaming, we can help them transition easier. They will feel seen and attuned to.

Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

15/01/2024

I am listening to Dr Becky Kennedy, "Good Inside" book on parenting, and being a parent. It is perfect combination of practical advice and information. It holds both children and parents in a positive regard.

Here are some snippets: Tantrums are unavoidable and important part of nervous system development.

A tantrum isn't bad behaviour, it is the child's nervous system short circuiting and going into a meltdown, usually after many frustrating moments.

The more we hold: they are good kids having an overwhelming moment, the calmer we can stay. Our job is to hold firm boundaries, AND affirm their feelings " it is not an option to have ice cream for breakfast, AND it is okay for you to be angry" In other words, we are in charge and it doesn't make them bad kids to feel their feelings.

If we give in and don't hold firm boundaries, we put our children in charge, which actually makes them feel unsafe. If we shame and punish them for tantrums, they will believe they are bad when they have big scary feelings. And because at this developmental stage they simply don't have a neurobiology to self regulate we are giving them an impossible task.

This is important because the ability to self regulate grows from knowing feelings are okay, not bad scary things.

With Tantrums when they bite, cause damage, needs firm calm approach, " I won't let you do this" and restraining while keep holding the knowing they are good kids having a nervous system meltdown. (There is a lot more evidence based information in the book)

Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

04/01/2024

I just got recommended a brilliant book for parents. My friend is a therapist, and her son is having difficulty with their 2 and a half year old twins. (Twin toddlers! 😱.)

I purchased it because I was curious if it is all that is cracked up to be.

She is talking about firm loving boundaries, without shaming, put downs, not even "time out" as a method. Listening to her, I am loving the principles,: as parents we are good, sometimes struggling, and children are also fundamentally good, sometimes struggling with big feelings.

Our job is to guide them, their job is to explore and feel.
We can set strong boundaries, AND validate their feelings.

I highly recommend the book, and her podcast. Community Book Club: "Good Inside" by Dr. Becky Kennedy

Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Becky Kennedy - Audiobooks on Google Play

Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be audiobook written by Becky Kennedy. Narrated by Becky Kennedy. Get instant access to all your favorite books. No monthly commitment. Listen online or offline with Android, iOS, web, Chromecast, and Google Assistant. Try Google Play Audiobook...