13/05/2026
The best poem in the world. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do
TURBULENCE
Here’s a tale of Billy Hayes from out near Alice Springs,
A wild young ringer in is day who done some crazy things.
He’d jumped bulls over fences, raced a c**t up Ayers Rock,
See, his legs weren’t built for walking they were made for riding stock.
A legend round the rodeos from Aileron to Broome,
An untried horse at 6am was saddle-broke by noon,
No form of equine foolery Bill wasn’t game to try,
Only one thing ever spooked him – he was way too scared to fly.
“If I was meant to do it I’d have feathers and a beak,
You take the plane there in a day, I’ll drive and waste a week.
I’ve been told they’re safe as houses and mechanically they’re sound
But I don’t see no rope or bridle so I’m sticking on the ground!”
But one day Billy got a phone call from his mate in Adelaide,
He’d got his girl in trouble so the wedding cards were played.
“Aw, Bill, I don’t care how ya do it, ya can beg or steal or borra
But mate you’ve gotta take the plane ’cause the big day’s on tomorra!”
Well, Billy cursed and spat it, said “That d***y bloody coot,”
“He’s knows I’d jump on anything that’s comin’ out a chute.
I’ve caught stallions that’d kill ya, caught bulls gone off their brain,
I never thought there’d come the day I’d hafta catch a plane!”
He legged it to the airport, he thought “Well this is it”.
The lady at the counter asked “Where would you like to sit?”
He said “Ahh, you know that black box thing they always seem to find.
Well you can stick me right inside it if ya wouldn’t bloody mind!”
The lady smiled politely and said “I’ll just take your bag”.
Bill said “I don’t bloody think so and by the way it’s called a swag”.
Bill was sweating buckets when they finally cleared the strip,
He had his seatbelt on that tight he was bleeding from the hip
But when they levelled out he stopped shaking at the knees,
Looked around, relaxed and thought “This flyin’ game’s a breeze”.
He clipped his belt undone, stretched out in his seat,
Well, he couldn’t stretch that far because his swag was at his feet.
The captain crackled something, bill asked a hostess what was said,
“Sir, you’d better buckle up there’s some turbulence ahead”.
“Turbulence, what’s that?” “Sir it’s pockets caused by heat
And when it gets severe it can throw you from your seat.”
“Throw me I’ll be buggered”, he pushed his seat right back,
Wrapped his legs around his swag and stuck his left hand through the strap,
He jammed down his Akubra, he was ready now to ride
Then things got pretty bumpy and Billy yelled “OUTSIDE!”
The plane she dropped a thousand feet, rose up five hundred more,
When his head near hit the ceiling he gave a mighty roar,
“I’ve rode all through the Territ’ry and never come unstuck,
So give me all you’ve got big bird and buck you bastard buck!”
And while the passengers were screaming in fear of certain death
Billy whooped and hollered ’til he near ran out of breath.
You would’ve thought that canvas swag was welded to his arse
And before the ringer knew it he’d bucked up to business class!
There seemed no way to tame this creature, it had ten gears and reverse,
That didn’t worry Billy, he just bucked on through to first!
He’d done somersaults with twists on this mongrel mount from hell,
He yelled out to the pilot “For Christ’s sake ring the bell!”
Bill was bleeding from the bugle, he had cuts above both eyes,
If you weren’t there on the spot you prob’ly think I’m telling lies.
He’d been upside down, inside out, done flips and triple spins,
You might’ve seen some great rides in your time but hands down Billy wins.
The flight returned to normal, Bill was flat out on the deck,
Still stuck to his swag but geez, he looked a bloody wreck.
He pulled himself together, stood up and raised his hat,
He said “I’ve had some tough trips in my time but never one like that.
An eight-second spin in Alice proves you’re made of sturdy stuff
But I was on there near a minute and I reckon that’s enough.”
Well the first class folk were dumbstruck at this crazy ringer’s feat
But Bill just grabbed a Crownie and he walked back to his seat.
Now years have passed and Bill’s long give the bucking game away,
Too many breaks and dusty miles for far too little pay,
Now planes are not a problem, in fact he’d rather fly than ride
And when you talk about his maiden voyage his chest puffs out with pride.
“You can talk about your Rocky Neds and that old Chainsaw bloke,
I’d ride ’em both without a rope and roll a bloody smoke.
There’s cowboys ’round who think they’re hot, well they aint tasted heat
’Til they’ve ridden time on Turbulence at 30,000 feet!”
By Murray Hartin.
