07/07/2025
Self or No Self: Am I Really Who I Think I Am?
Hi Everyone, Mark Waldman Here,
In a couple of days time, on July 9th, you'll get to watch me give a special presentation on one of my favorite - and most controversial - topics: "All Beliefs are Limiting" including your sense of self! It's one of the most limiting beliefs we have, and below you'll find details on how and when to watch this wonderful interview I'm doing for AVAIYA University.
But first I'd like to guide you through a very unique experiential exercise, one that you may have read about in a spiritual text but is also supported by the newest research in the field of Network Neuroscience.
Let's begin: How often have you asked yourself this question, one that both therapists and mystics have felt is important to contemplate: “Who am I?” Take a moment, right now, and pay attention to the thoughts that begin to flow through your mind, and write down the different “identities” that describe who you actually are. If you identify yourself by what you do, write that down, and then go deeper. If you identify yourself with a feeling – happy, sad, anxious, etc. – write that down and go deeper. And if you identify yourself spiritually – I am love, I am God, I am everything, I am nothing – write those qualities down.
Now close your eyes and take three or four mindful yawns, paying attention to how each one subtly changes your mental state and mood. Yawning is your brain’s thermoregulator, slowing down excessive busy-ness and neurological stress, and it’s the easiest and fastest way to relax and bring your “self” – if there is such a thing – into the present moment. Slow breathing, by the way, helps you to focus on what you are doing but it also increases mental stress!
Take a few more yawns, combining them with super-slow stretching and movement. The slower you go, the more aware you’ll become of how your body feels, and if you feel a tiny ache, yawn into it. Often the pain will disappear.
When you feel fully present, with a quiet mind, pay attention to the experience of being fully present. In this state, few thoughts will flow through your mind, and you might not even be able to answer the question “Who am I”. You can even become aware that your sense of self is an illusion – a creative construction that is constantly changing its shape. Many spiritual teachers have written about this state, but neuroscience confirms that the “self” you think you are is nothing more than a fabrication that takes place in the Imagination/Default Network. In essence, your brain creates a new sense of self for every new situation you find yourself in. It helps to move you closer to whatever goal you desire, and it’s entirely wordless. That’s why it's impossible to label who you actually are. As far as your brain is concerned, it has no need for the labels “you” and “I” and “we” and “they” – brief imaginary constructions to help you navigate the world.
Do the same experiment again. Use any strategy that helps you to deeply relax, and see if you can enter a state of “beingness” where there is no self-identification. There’s just the experience of the present moment: The sounds, colors, shapes, and sensations that you notice whenever you focus your attention on different aspects of what surrounds you. It can even feel like bliss but your brain is built to only spend a few seconds or minutes in this state – just enough time to savor the experiences you are having. If they are pleasant, your imagination center of the brain turns on your “mind” – also an arbitrary and constantly changing state – to guide you toward more pleasurable and rewarding experiences: In work, relationships, or spiritual development.
See if you can sit back and let your creative mind wander through all of the selves you wrote down earlier and watch how dozens of new ones can emerge. For example, in this present moment I am a writer writing this article. A second later I “am” a male. A teacher. A kind and caring person. Peaceful. Curious. Tired. Bored.
Now tell yourself that “you” are none of those things and see if you can come back into the present moment and just “be” present. As seen through the lens of neuroscience, you cannot have the same experience twice. You cannot recall a memory in the same way twice. And you cannot hang onto your self-identity for more than a second or two.
However, we have been trained by a thousand years of philosophy, religion, and psychology to identify ourselves with a socially acceptable virtue, activity, or purpose. And every culture attempts to shape its community into whatever role is most useful for the group.
Being in the present moment, with no self-identification, can feel uncomfortable at first; it’s simply not that easy to let go of a lifetime of beliefs about who/what you are and who/what you should be. But if you can stay in a state of not-knowing, that’s where you will feel the most connected to others. Being in the present moment, and being aware of the ever-changing experiences surrounding you, makes it possible to connect with others more deeply, free from all of the labels we give ourselves and others. In those moments, you are stimulating your Salience Network, and when that happens – even if it’s only for a few minutes – your brain networks are functioning at their optimal best, and that is the neurological definition of psychological and emotional health.
So let your “self” come and go as it pleases. Play with the experience of having no self, especially when you want to have an intimate conversation or exchange with someone you love or trust. No “you” or “I” or even “we”. That, in our opinion, is the neurological definition of spiritual health!
