MJDcounselling

27/03/2023

More on infidelity

MORE ON INFIDELITY
27/3/2023

Infidelity is a deeply hurtful and challenging experience that can leave you feeling betrayed, angry, and unsure of how to move forward. However, with time, effort, and support, it is possible to survive infidelity and rebuild your relationship. Here are some tips for navigating this difficult time:
Take time to process your emotions: Infidelity can trigger a range of intense emotions, including anger, sadness, and confusion. It is important to allow yourself time to process these emotions and come to terms with what has happened. This may involve seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist who can help you work through your feelings in a healthy and constructive way.
Communicate openly and honestly: It is important to have honest and open communication with your partner about what has happened and how you are feeling. This may be difficult and uncomfortable, but it is crucial for rebuilding trust and understanding in your relationship. Be clear about your boundaries and expectations moving forward, and listen to your partner's perspective as well.
Seek professional help: Infidelity can be a complex issue that requires the guidance of a qualified therapist or counsellor. A professional can help you work through your emotions, improve communication, and develop a plan for moving forward. They can also provide support and guidance as you navigate the difficult road to healing.
Take responsibility for your own healing: While it is important to work on repairing your relationship, it is also essential to take responsibility for your own healing and well-being. This may involve engaging in self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, or therapy, and setting boundaries to protect your emotional health.
Focus on rebuilding trust: Rebuilding trust is a crucial part of surviving infidelity. This may involve being transparent with your partner about your actions and feelings, being consistent in your behaviour, and following through on your commitments. It is important to recognise that rebuilding trust takes time and effort, but it is possible with dedication and patience.
Consider forgiveness: Forgiveness can be a powerful tool for healing and moving forward. However, it is important to recognise that forgiveness is a process and not a one-time event. It may take time to fully forgive your partner, and it is important to be patient with yourself and your emotions.

In conclusion, surviving infidelity is a difficult but achievable process that requires time, effort, and support. By taking care of your emotional health, communicating openly with your partner, seeking professional help, and focusing on rebuilding trust, it is possible to heal and move forward together.

20/03/2023

INFIDELITY- Help and hope: Despite its devastating impact on relationships, it's a common experience that many couples will face at some point in their lives. There's no one-size-fits-all solution to deal with the issues however there are a number of strategies that can help couples work through the emotional fallout and repair their relationship. These include counseling or therapy, improving communication, setting clear boundaries and expectations, and working to rebuild trust and intimacy.
Infidelity is a complex and emotionally charged issue that has the potential to cause significant harm. If you're struggling with infidelity in your own relationship, it is important to seek support and guidance from a qualified therapist or counsellor who can help you navigate the complex emotional terrain and work towards healing and reconciliation. Help & info available at https://www.mjdcounselling.com.au/helpful-stuff/the-pain-of-infidelity #/

20/03/2023

02/03/2022

Relationships - John Gottman’s 4 Horseman

A little about John Gottman. John and his wife have studied relationships for more than 40 years in a lab environment, he has multiple published peer-review journals and is able to predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy. He’s most probably the world leader in relationships so here’s a tiny bit of what he has to say regarding conflict and how it may help your relationship.

Mr Gottman talks of the 4 horsemen, or in simple terms 4 communication types.

Criticism is the most common. It’s not a complaint that concentrates on a specific issue but more rather seen as an attack on the partner's personality or character. This causes rejection and hurt. Eg, You never, You haven’t, You don’t, etc.
Contempt. Eye rolling, sneering, insulting, body language, ridicule, hostility. Eg, you’re stupid, you’re worthless, disgusting, etc. This is the most damaging and according to research is the greatest cause of relationship failure (90%) as it damages the person's sense of self.
Defensiveness. Generally a response to contempt or criticism and a normal reaction to being attacked. Defensiveness tends to escalate conflict rather than resolve it.
Stonewalling. Withdrawing from the conversation. This may occur from the physiological state of overwhelm. Persons interviewed claimed that they were avoiding conflict, but were unaware that to the other person it displayed smugness, disapproval, and distance. It’s seen as disengaging from any meaningful conversation. If one partner refuses to communicate, it can be near impossible to repair any relationship.

The ability to identify the 4 horsemen will go a long way towards better communication styles.

The complaint is partner does not take out the garbage.
I would like you to take out the garbage this evening while I’m cooking dinner, thank you. (Ends with appreciation)
Criticism may look like: Why don’t you ever take out the garbage?
One invites a retaliation while the complaint is seen as a polite request with gratitude.

The use of “feelings” statements can also help and may be important. Eg. I need to ask you for help with taking out the garbage.

Defensiveness invites retaliation. It’s better to take responsibility even if only in part. In the example of garbage, the partner might reply with something like “sorry I forgot yesterday, I’ll do it now, I appreciate how busy you’ve been (appreciation is shown)

Stonewalling to escape conversation/conflict. Self-soothing can overcome this by taking time out and returning to the conversation after the physiological state changes which is normally around 20 minutes, then the conversation may continue in a more respectful and rational way.

Expressing gratitude, appreciation, affection and respect for your partner goes a long way towards building, repairing and maintaining relationships and as relationships are a bit like cars, they require maintenance. Neglect them and they’ll break down.

02/03/2022

02/03/2022

Panic Attacks
A bit more on why the body does what it does during a panic attack.

1. Dry mouth, in fight/flight mode you don’t need to eat.

2. Need to go to the toilet, here’s where the term I near crapped myself comes in. The reason for it is the body decides to dump any extra weight so it can move faster., and from the evolutionary point of view, it’s the old way of using vile stench to ward off attackers, the same as other animals do with scent glands.

3. Feeling faint. It’s because you’re not using the extra oxygen from rapid breathing, the extra oxygen is to assist in the activity the brain is telling you you’re going to need for fight or flight even though you don’t.

4. Digestive system, nausea may occur. This is because stomach blood is diverted for a moment to the more important parts of the body that may need it.

5. Breathing is faster and shallow to allow the body to take in more oxygen in order to power muscles.

6. Breathlessness, yawning, tightness in the chest, smothering feelings, chest pain can all be related to faster breathing.

7. Paleness, cold hands, tingling or numbness in fingers and/or toes due to the redistribution of blood.

8. Shaking is due to the adrenaline not getting the opportunity to be used. It’s supplied by the adrenal glands to signal various parts of the body it’s time for fight or flight.

9. Sweating, this helps cool the body and makes it harder for the imagined or real perpetrator to grab and hold on.

10. Muscle tension, again due to the adrenaline, shakes may occur along with exhaustion after the event has passed.

11. Your heart beats faster to pump blood to the parts of the body that are being told of your need to fight or flee.

12. Rapid thoughts aren’t a sign of losing it, the opposite actually. It’s to help you assess danger and make quick decisions.

13. It’s Bright, yes vision changes to allow more light in, again to allow you to assess the situation and to assist the rapid thought process looking for danger.

6. Breathlessness, yawning, tightness in the chest, smothering feelings, chest pain can all be related to faster breathing. automatic response systems all come together in harmony to protect you. This is unfortunate if the danger is perceived rather than real but nonetheless, it’s something we should be very grateful for, so consider embracing a panic attack and experience the wonder of your own amazing body doing its job as it’s (generally) supposed to. By doing this you’ll actually start re-training your brain from previously learned experiences that you’re not in any real danger, and when you are in real danger, the amygdala will automatically kick in anyway.

Through various techniques, it's truly amazing how our inner strength is waiting in the backgrounds

01/03/2022

Panic attacks
The physiological response to a panic attack is when the sympathetic nervous system causes a fight, flight or freeze response. They’re uncomfortable (understatement of the day) as they can feel like you’re having a heart attack, stroke or life threatening issue. The result of this is increased heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, rapid breathing, dilated pupils, perspiration, blood flows to the extremities, and digestion slows. The reasons for this is to set the body up ready for defence or attack and is due to the release of adrenaline and cortisol. During a panic attack it can be hard to deal with the bodies reactions when there is no apparent threat, an attack can occur when you’re comfortable at home watching TV and for no apparent reason you’re in fight or flight mode. Now, if the situation was a real threat, we would actually welcome the bodies automatic response as it sets us up for survival. The problem is obviously that we’re in fight or flight mode for no obvious reason.

Due to the fear of the feelings experienced during a panic attack such as I’m going to die, I’ll pass out, it’s a heart attack, the fear is actually multiplied and the symptoms of the attack get worse as you convince yourself there’s good reason for the feelings you’re experiencing hence a vicious cycle.

The amygdala is responsible for activating the fight flight response, it’s vigilant in watching out for anything that can cause harm, however it can be a little over active and perceive threat when there is none and set off all the necessary responses to threat. Great when you need it, but very unwanted when you don’t. A realistic example could be walking with your partner in the shops, peripheral vision detects a perceived threat, amygdala kicks in, and before you know it panic attack.

Ways to overcome. 1st. Recognise the increased heart rate and/or rapid breathing and understand it doesn’t mean you’re in danger, it’s simply the amygdala setting off false alarms, which it can and does do regularly for some people. There’s multiple reasons this occurs for some and not for others but that’s another conversation.

2nd. Consider the internal language you’re about to use, for example “this is more serious than I thought” will tell the amygdala it’s right and time to kick it up a notch!

3rd. Don’t fight it, let the body go through its moments of stress, fighting it only makes the issues worse so it’s better to embrace it, take it’s course and settle when the amygdala decides it’s all good.

4th. Allow the time it takes, you can’t speed it up so there’s no point in trying. Attacks generally last from a few minutes upwards and peak at around 10 minutes. It may seem like an eternity but it isn’t, it’s a few minutes of re-training the brain that all’s well.

5th. Stay present, focus on what you can see, hear, and feel. Don’t allow the attack to distract you from the staying in the moment as not doing this allows you to focus on the uncomfortable physiology which will only serve to maintain the attack.

The 5-4-3-2-1 method is worth remembering and mega simple.
5 things you can see
4 things you can feel
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste

It’s also a good idea to practice muscle relaxation technique to help reduce the intensity of panic attacks. Muscle relaxation activates the parasympathetic nervous system which lowers blood pressure, slows heart rate, breathing and promotes digestion. All the opposite to what the amygdala is capable of doing.

False beliefs of panic attacks.
“I’m going to stop breathing” nope, you’re not. The brain won’t allow it so you’re all good.
“I’m going to faint” Actually, the opposite will happen as fainting is due to a sudden drop in blood pressure, a panic attack as discussed increases blood pressure so again, you’re all good.
“I’m going to lose control of myself” No you’re not, during an attack your senses are heightened not reduced.
Take a deep breath… NO! It only makes it worse. Breath normally and go back to the 54321 as it will take your mind off the symptoms while they pass.

26/02/2022

Panic Attacks
A quick chat about how’s and why as it’s often an issue for many. Generally speaking a panic attack is the result of our automated fight, flight or freeze response. This can arise from psychological problems such as PTSD, OCD and/or depression. Other factors may be due to being under more stress than you can cope with.
It may also be sensitivity to anxiety, some are more prone to the feelings and are more likely to notice harm or the perception of it than others. This being said some people’s bodies are more responsive to stressful events and produce more stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine. Other may have learned experiences from family or caregivers earlier in life where catastrophising small events were the norm. There may also be a genetic disposition towards emotional problems that occur in life.

26/02/2022

Here's a bit of info relating to ASD and PTSD. More info coming soon. If you or anyone you know needs help, please don't hesitate to get in touch.

24/02/2022

About Marriage Counseling. Couples therapy is designed to help couples recognise and resolve conflict. Through counseling, couples can make thoughtful decisions about rebuilding and/or strengthening their relationship or going their separate ways. This is is often short-term counselling and typically includes both partners, but sometimes one partner chooses to work with the therapist alone. The specific treatment plan depends on the situation.

Through various techniques, it's truly amazing how our inner strength is waiting in the backgrounds