Hummingbird Counselling by Dee

10/02/2019

10/02/2019

I haven’t written anything for a while as I feel that people are either too busy to read it or not open to understanding loss and grief and in some cases in denial, so I respect their outlook on life. However, where I live the community has experienced much sadness and sorrow over the last two months on a level that has not been experienced in this town before.

Su***de not only leaves families and friends grieving but also the whole community. As stated by Toynbee (1978), “There are always two parties to a death; the person who dies and the survivors who are left behind.” The ‘why’ question, the ‘What ifs’ and “I should have, I could have’; and the ‘If only’ is pervasive for most people bereaved by su***de and these questions are all normal reactions in su***de deaths. Loved ones may become preoccupied with feelings of abandonment which can result in anger, guilt and self-blame that they could have done something to have prevented the outcome, carrying a sense of failure that they did not see the signs, but there are not always signs.

How to Support a Person who is Grieving

Do:
• Listen without judging, you don’t have to say anything just listen
• Let them express their grief in their own way
• Sit quietly until the emotion subsides
• Ask what you or others can do to help
• Be patient – let them set the pace
• Expect periods of silence, they will continue when they feel they are ready to
• Expect to hear the same story over and over again
• Use the deceased person’s name (rather than he/she)

Don’t:
• Offer your own explanations or reason (for why) – just listen
• Argue or judge
• Tell them what to feel or what to do
• Find solutions for them
• Interrupt when they are talking
• Use clichés (e.g. “You’ll be okay”, “Life goes on”, “Think positive”)
• Say “I know how you feel”, unless you have been through the same situation as they have
• Over emphasise your own experiences and therefore burden the bereaved person
• Always expect to know what to say, remember you do not have to say anything, just listen
• Promise things you can’t deliver such as ring me if you need anything, if you make that commitment mean it, as the bereaved person may feel rejected and isolate themselves if you are not there for them which adds to their grief.

Thank you

11/11/2018

Ambiguous loss is a form of loss that is becoming more prevalent in society.

There are two basic kinds of ambiguous loss being:

1.Physically absent but psychologically present which is where it is unclear whether a person is dead or alive. Missing soldiers, people lost in aeroplane disasters, prisoners and kidnapped children illustrate this type of loss in its catastrophic form.

2.Physically present but psychologically absent, this is evident in people with dementia, addictions, autism, serious head trauma and some chronic mental illnesses.

People experiencing ambiguous loss are filled with conflicting thoughts and feelings as it occurs without closure or understanding and leaves individuals feeling as if they are “in limbo” (Boss & Couden, 2002). Carers and family members dread the death of a loved one, but they also hope for closure and an end to the waiting.

12/09/2018

While I was attending the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement, I was fortunate enough to meet the CEO and Founder of Mane Support, Kimberley Henry. What an amazing woman with the biggest smile, kindest heart and warmth that she extended to everyone she meets, making you feel like you had always known her. We connected straight away, and it was wonderful to talk and learn more about her and her non-profit organisation “Mane Support”, in Tennessee, USA. Mane support provides a ministry through equine-assisted grief counselling to children and adults who have experienced a death, those who are anticipating the death of someone they know, or who have experienced other types of loss.

Kim’s presentation was titled ‘It is More Than a Process’ and she talked about how through interactions with horses and other structured activities, individuals can be supported in their grief journey and find a ‘new’ normal. She spoke about how horses are gifted with the ability to mirror our feelings, allowing the individual insight into ways they may not be aware of how they are reacting to certain situations. Possibly best of all, they are wonderful listeners and teach us many lessons about ourselves. Kim told the story about a father whose son had died suddenly, and he blamed himself. In one of the group activities the father wrote on a black board “I blame myself for his death’, Kim said it couldn’t have been scripted better, one of the horses walked over to the black board and licked the words off and the father at that moment knew that he must forgive himself as it was not his fault.

27/08/2018

I have just got back from the Australian Centre of Grief and Bereavement conference ‘Emerging Trends in Grief & Bereavement Care’, which was held in Sydney right next to the beautiful Mainly beach. This conference takes place every two years and I have been fortunate enough to be able to attend the last three. It is a very inspiring conference that runs for a week with keynote speakers, from all over the world and Australia, presenting and running workshops. We also had many opportunities to talk to some world-renowned loss and grief researchers that I had previously referenced in my studies but not in a million years did I ever think I would meet or have a conversation with them. It was also motivating to network with other loss and grief workers from America as well as from all parts of Australia and it was great hearing about their organisations and projects that they are working on in their communities. The next Australian Centre of Grief and Bereavement will be held in Melbourne in 2020 and fingers crossed I will be there.

25/07/2018

If we don’t express emotions by the way of tears, sadness and/or displaying anger when someone close to us dies, society believes that this is not acceptable and often condemn the grieving individual for not reacting in a manner that is regarded as normal. This view has seen many people, especially women in the media, being criticised for not showing emotions and they are perceived as not caring and hard. As a result of this view that society holds, the media often portrays these mourners as being guilty of a crime, when the only crime they have committed is to grief in a different way than the acceptable norm. However, there is no normal way to grieve, instead there are three different grieving styles intuitive, instrumental and blended.

Intuitive refers to the pattern of grieving that society see as a normal response – social grievers, the outward display of intense emotions, expression of feelings and talking about their grief in emotional language.


Instrumental on the other hand can be perceived as a masculine style of grieving, more stoic in nature preferring to be on their own, thinkers who want to fix, do things, taking actions such as setting up a foundation in memory and expressing grief in more physical and cognitive ways.

Most people however, fall somewhere between Intuitive and Instrumental and are labelled as blenders. They combine coping skills from both to deal with their grief.

30/06/2018

Although often perceived as a negative experience, grief is a normal and healthy emotional reaction to loss and is an important part of the healing process. When we grieve it is normal to experience a range of feelings, thoughts and behaviours and it is helpful to know that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve, everyone’s grief is unique to them.

Grief can affect every part of your life and will depend on many factors including personality, gender, your age, life experiences, faith, attachment, culture, the nature of the loss, previous losses, grieving style and your social network. Each of these factors can play a very important part in the way we grieve.

02/06/2018

Most of us do not stop and think that there are differences between these words - bereavement, grief and mourning but actually they all have different meanings.

BEREAVEMENT – you have to experience a loss - the death of a loved one or the decline of your health, death of a pet, loss of a job or the end of an important relationship are all examples of events that need to occur in order to experience bereavement. It Is the period during which grief is felt and mourning occurs.

GRIEF – is a normal multifaceted/many-sided response to the loss event. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioural, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.

MOURNING – is the process that helps the bereaved individuals make sense of and give structure to what can feel like a very confusing time. How people mourn is influenced by their cultural or religious determined rituals and/or with society’s rules for coping with loss. Mourning is finished when a person can reinvest their emotions back into life and in the living.

13/05/2018

If Roses grow in Heaven, Lord,
please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my Mother’s arms
and tell her they’re from me.

Remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there’s an ache within my heart
that will never go away.

Author Unknown

06/05/2018

Remembering Mum on Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is probably one of the least favourite days of the year for those whose mums are no longer with us and will always be difficult no matter how many years have passed. Although people may tell you that it will get easier, it never will, it just becomes more bearable, with some years being harder than others. However even though your mother is no longer with you, there is no reason why you can’t still honour her on Mother’s Day.

For some of us, Mother’s Day grief can bring up feelings of longing, yearning, sadness, loneliness, depression, anger, bitterness, alienation and despair. For many the day becomes about just getting through. There are many and various constructive ways to deal with the day, however you may choose to ignore the day altogether and that is okay too.

And remember there is no right or wrong way to spend this day, it is entirely up to you.

24/04/2018

It is easy to think that our grief is solely the grief of losing the person we loved, however our grief is also the pain of the other losses that were a result of the initial event and need to be addressed and mourned as well. This type of loss is referred to as secondary losses and are a consequence of the primary loss, however secondary losses are sometimes not considered losses at all. Some examples of secondary losses are-

Loss of Hopes & Dreams: Survivors grieve not only a past and present with that person, but also future hopes, goals, and dreams.

Loss of Identity: Loss of the roles that you no longer fulfil in a relationship e.g. losing a child also leads to losing the role of mother. This loss of role can be in the home, in the family, at work, among friends, and in the community.

Loss of Financial Security: the primary wage earner could be gone. For others, there can be loss of employment due to the grief process or serious debt incurred by the deceased or because of the death.

Loss of the Future: The losses can include the idea of growing old together, having children with that person, watching that person graduate from college, watching them begin their own family, celebrating birthdays/graduations/marriages of children, being able to resolve unfinished business, and the wish of living happily ever-after, to name a few.

Loss of Support Systems: Loss of friends, family, community organizations, and others who help to sustain and lend strength on a daily basis. When we look for those who have been there for us in the past, they seem to have disappeared. At a time when we most need extra attention, we often have to develop new systems of support.

Loss of Family Structure: A radical change has taken place in the immediate family. For siblings, birth order is changed. For parents, a challenge comes when people ask, “How many children do you have?” For spouses, there is no longer another adult in the home. For children, there may now be only one parent.

Loss of a Primary Relationship: Loss of a significant person who was prominent in your life. The time you spent together, conversations you had together, and activities you enjoyed together have ended.

A huge first step in overcoming a loss is acknowledging these secondary losses and their impact.

08/04/2018

Loss is produced by a primary event which is perceived to be negative by the person involved and results in long term changes to their life. Primary loss is the initial loss, the ‘event’ such as a death, divorce, job loss, a serious injury or losing something or someone else that is significant to the bereaved. The loss can then set of a chain of reactions (domino affect) and, like a physical wound, requires time to heal.

It is easy to think that our grief is solely the grief of losing the person we loved, however our grief is also the pain of the other losses that were a result of the initial event and need to be addressed and mourned as well. This type of loss is referred to as secondary losses and are a consequence of the primary loss.

Once we have identified these losses we are better equipped to face and mourn them. We begin to understand that the whole of our grief is comprised of many parts, including the primary loss and the secondary losses. It is normal and healthy to express intense and painful emotions in relation to loss and there is no right or wrong way to experience and respond to loss.

25/03/2018

The Hummingbird

‘’Legends say that Hummingbirds float free of time,
carrying out hopes for love, joy & celebration.
The Hummingbird’s delicate grace reminds us that life is rich,
beauty is everywhere, every personal connected has meaning
& that laughter is life’s sweetest creation.’’ - PAPYRUS

18/03/2018

I would like to introduce myself. My name is Dee and I am a qualified counsellor that has experience and training in the provision of loss and grief counselling. I am a registered member of the Australian Counselling Association as well as being a member of the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement. I have a post graduate diploma in Counselling, specializing in loss and grief as well as a degree in Social Science, majoring in gerontology and community service.

With 20 years’ experience working in the Community Service Industry, I have a strong track record in supporting a diverse range of clients in numerous areas such as disabilities, mental health, drug and alcohol issues, palliative, seniors, Aboriginals and community care. I have also worked with people with a form of Dementia, their carers and family members, su***de (prevention & postvention) and domestic violence.

Dementia is another area I am passionate about and although I have qualifications in this area I am currently endeavouring to strengthen as well as expand my knowledge by studying dementia through the University of Tasmania. On behalf of Alzheimer’s Australia (W.A.) Ltd, I have also facilitated a support group for people who were caring for someone who had been diagnosed with a form of Dementia.

I am a registered member of the Australian Counselling Association as well as a member of the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement. Furthermore, I am currently a member of Western Pilbara District Health Advisory Council here in Karratha.

I enjoy my work as a counsellor and if you have any questions regarding the counselling service that I provide, please do not hesitate to contact me.

18/02/2018

As a loss and grief counsellor my aim is to help people cope with their grief following a loss, whether this is through the death of a loved one, or as a result of a major life change that triggers the feeling of grief (e.g. divorce or job loss).

In addition, grief counselling can provide support and guidance to help a bereaved individual navigate through their loss journey by helping them to better understand their experience. This may include encouraging an individual to express their feelings and thoughts about the loss such as sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness or isolation.

Furthermore, I also assist the person to realise that what they are experiencing is normal and a typical response to grief rather than the client believing that something is “wrong’’ with them or that they are going crazy.

If you feel like you could do with some support, please do not hesitate to
Phone me on: 0488 372 911
Or you can email me: hummingbirdcounselling@outlook.com

04/02/2018

We all experience personal challenges or issues in our lives.
We can deal with these times by talking to family or friends or trying to deal with things on our own. However there are times when a person may find it easier to speak with someone who is not involved in their life.

And this is where an experienced and qualified loss and grief counsellor like myself can be helpful. I can assist clients in effectively working through loss by listening to their story, allowing them to share their problems in order to help them find solutions and I also provide support during this difficult time.

If you feel like you could do with some support, please do not hesitate to
Phone me on: 0488 372 911
Or you can email me: hummingbirdcounselling@outlook.com