07/06/2022
During adolescence, our teens need our love, support and influence more than ever. What they don’t need is our control. By adolescence, we don’t have any anyway. We might have the illusion of control, but the harder we push to control them, the more we risk losing them. Our teens are resourceful, creative and brave and if they want something enough they will do it anyway.
When we attempt to control them, we are pushing against thousands of years of evolution and their drive to explore their independence. They can’t make the transition from childhood to adulthood without establishing some sort of separation from us.
They might push against us, and sometimes this will feel fierce. This is not to push us away, but to loosen themselves from under our wing. Sometimes the closer they are, the harder they have to push. And sometimes, in the quest for separation and independence, it’s our connection with them that gets lost. They have important work to do, so it’s up to us as their parents to hold on to that connection tightly enough for them and for us, for whenever they need it. They will come back, but first they have work to do and it’s okay if this takes time and tears and ‘outside voices’ inside. It’s a learning adventure for all of us. .
Whenever we can, we need to nurture the fire in them that is looking to discover who they are. We can do this by asking their opinions, listening more than talking, valuing their insight, and letting them to teach us what it’s like to be in their world.
The more we try to control them, the more we squander our precious opportunities to influence them. They are less likely to come to us if they expect lectures, preaching, shame, judgement or harsh consequences. When the connection with them is there, hopefully, sometimes, they will let us take the precious and privileged place beside them as they explore, learn and grow. So often, our greatest parenting moments and connection with them will happen in the middle of the mess, but first we need for them to offer us a seat at the table.