15/06/2025
Autistic Girls & Masking: The Cost of âCopingâ
Many autistic girls arenât identified until much later in life â often not until adolescence or even adulthood.
Why?
Because theyâve learned to mask.
Masking is when an autistic person suppresses or hides their natural behaviours in order to appear âsocially acceptable.â For girls especially, this can mean mimicking peers, forcing eye contact, rehearsing conversations, copying facial expressions, and suppressing stimming or sensory needs â all to âfit in.â
From the outside, they often appear to be coping. Teachers may say, âSheâs fine, sheâs quiet, sheâs getting on with her work.â But the reality beneath that surface can be entirely different.
Autistic girls are often internalising their struggles, carrying huge amounts of anxiety, confusion, and fatigue. By the time they get home, they may melt down or shut down completely â a pattern sometimes referred to as âschool traumaâ or âafter-school restraint collapse.â
The Invisible Toll of âLooking Fineâ
Masking isnât harmless. It can lead to:
⢠Chronic anxiety
⢠Autistic burnout
⢠Depression
⢠Loss of identity
⢠Eating difficulties
⢠Low self-worth
⢠Misdiagnosis (often with anxiety or borderline personality disorder)
The pressure to appear ânormalâ teaches autistic girls that who they are is not okay. That their natural ways of being â such as needing movement, time alone, or literal communication â are wrong.
And tragically, the better they mask, the more likely they are to be missed. That means they often donât receive the accommodations, compassion, or understanding they desperately need.
In education, we must stop celebrating children who are âquietâ and âcompliantâ without checking whether that silence is distress.
When autistic girls go unnoticed because they donât âact out,â they are being failed by a system that equates calm with well-being.
We need to look for the signs beneath the surface:
⢠Exhaustion or shutdown after school
⢠Perfectionism or people-pleasing
⢠Social mimicry without true connection
⢠Frequent stomach aches or headaches (often anxiety)
⢠A sense that the child is âplaying a roleâ rather than being themselves
What Real Support Looks Like
Supporting autistic girls starts with believing them, even when their struggles are invisible.
It means:
â˘Giving them permission to be themselves
⢠Creating quiet, low-demand spaces to decompress
⢠Encouraging authentic self-expression â even if it looks âdifferentâ
⢠Reducing social pressure and allowing solo play
⢠Making accommodations based on need, not just diagnosis
And above all, listening when they say theyâre struggling â even if their grades are good, their uniform is neat, and they smile on cue.
Support isnât just for visible struggles.
Itâs for the unseen survival some children are managing every single day.
Letâs stop measuring well-being by appearances and start asking better questions. Because being âfineâ shouldnât have to be a full-time performance.
Photo: Numbers 2, 3 and 4 visiting Coalbrookdale