Mohamed Rima

Mohamed Rima Social Media Disclaimer: This page and posts are not therapy or a replacement for a professional counselling relationship or mental health care.

Relationship Education
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Buy me a coffee ☺️ 🫶🏻 https://buymeacoffee.com/thecouplescounsellor I don't provide counselling via messages. No social media posts should be considered personalised professional advice. This is not a crisis service. If you're in a crisis call Lifeline on 131114 or 000 for emergencies.

02/02/2026

What's the difference between avoidant attachment and narcissism?

Narcissistic abuse summarised.
30/01/2026

Narcissistic abuse summarised.

Weekends are meant to feel easy, but for a lot of victims of domestic abuse, they feel like a storm rolling in. The mome...
29/01/2026

Weekends are meant to feel easy, but for a lot of victims of domestic abuse, they feel like a storm rolling in. The moment the abuser is home for longer stretches, the whole body shifts into survival mode. The brain has learned the pattern: weekends mean walking on eggshells, monitoring tone, watching for mood swings, and bracing for the next blow‑up. It’s not “anxiety” in the casual sense, it’s the nervous system doing exactly what it’s been trained to do when danger is near.

By Friday night, many victims already feel their chest tighten. The amygdala goes on high alert, scanning every sound. Muscles tense, breathing gets shallow, sleep becomes light. The body is preparing for impact, even if nothing has happened yet. That’s what repeated trauma does, it teaches the brain to anticipate harm before it arrives.

And narcissistic abusers have a way of making weekends even harder. They sabotage plans because unstructured time means they’re not the centre of attention. You can plan something days in advance, and they’ll wait until the morning of to start an argument, guilt trip you, or accuse you of not caring about them. Suddenly you’re cancelling everything to manage their mood.

Sometimes they agree to plans all week, then wake up cold, irritated, or passive‑aggressive. You spend the whole day trying to “fix” the vibe instead of enjoying anything. Or they hijack the day completely, changing the plan, making it about them, or creating drama so the entire weekend revolves around their needs. And if you want to see friends or family, they punish you with sulking, threats, or accusations, or even pretend to be sick until you give up and stay home.

Victims don’t hate weekends because they dislike rest or connection. They hate the unpredictability, the emotional landmines, and the way their body never gets to switch off. Their nervous system has learned that weekends aren’t safe, and it responds accordingly.

Special occasions aren’t any different. Invites, holidays, dinners, family events, anything that shifts your attention away from them becomes a threat to their control. That’s why so many victims notice the same pattern: the moment you’re excited about something, they find a way to ruin it, derail it, or pull the spotlight back onto themselves. It’s not an accident. It’s the same cycle... your joy becomes their trigger, and your plans become their battleground.

A subtle but powerful sign of emotional abuse and coercive control is when your daily life becomes centred around managi...
28/01/2026

A subtle but powerful sign of emotional abuse and coercive control is when your daily life becomes centred around managing fear and avoiding consequences. The victim isn’t making free choices, they’re making fear‑based choices.

Abusers don’t need constant violence to dominate someone. They use rules, punishments, isolation, and emotional manipulation until the victim starts policing themselves.

When your life starts revolving around managing fear and avoiding consequences, that’s not love, culture, or “normal marriage”. That’s coercive control.

This post breaks down one of the most overlooked patterns in abusive relationships:

Fear → consequence → self‑blame → deeper control.

Everyday examples of fear–consequence control:

• Financial control
You spend slightly more than “allowed” on essential groceries. You feel anxious about the reaction but hope you can justify it.
The perpetrator responds by taking your bank card, criticising your ability to manage money, and framing you as irresponsible.
Fear → consequence.

• Social isolation
You visit your parents or a friend and stay longer than the perpetrator permitted. You rehearse your explanation on the way home, hoping it will be accepted.
Instead, you’re told you can’t visit them next time because you’re “untrustworthy” or because your visit supposedly caused you to neglect chores or the children.
This is gaslighting and punitive isolation disguised as “discipline”.
Fear → consequence.

How victims internalise the abuse
Over time, the victim begins to normalise this behaviour. They blame themselves, believing:

- “I messed up.”
- “All marriages are like this.”
- “If I just try harder, things will be better.”

This self‑blame is not accidental, it’s engineered by the abuser. Perpetrators deliberately restrict access to supportive people, information, and professional help so the victim cannot recognise the pattern. Isolation protects the abuser, not the relationship.

Coercive control is a pattern, not an incident
Coercive control isn’t about one argument or one bad day. It’s a cluster of behaviours that form predictable cycles. At its core is power and control, shaping the victim’s thoughts, emotions, behaviour, and access to the outside world.

The victim eventually learns to pre‑empt the perpetrator’s anger by shrinking their own life, avoiding anything that might trigger a consequence. This is how fear becomes the organising principle of the relationship.

There are many signs of coercive control, but the fear–consequence cycle is one of the most overlooked, and one of the most damaging.

If any of this feels familiar, you’re not “the problem”. You’re recognising a pattern that was designed to keep you confused.

Awareness is the first crack in the cycle.

How to spot healthy love vs idealisation.If they only love the version of you they invented, that’s not love. Healthy pa...
26/01/2026

How to spot healthy love vs idealisation.
If they only love the version of you they invented, that’s not love. Healthy partners see you. Not a fantasy. Not a pedestal. Not a project.

A healthy person in a relationship doesn’t need you to shrink, perform, or become a fantasy version of yourself. They meet you as you are... strengths, flaws, quirks, humanity and all. And they stay connected to you, not to an image they’ve created in their head. That grounded acceptance is one of the clearest signs of emotional health.

In contrast to this, abusive personalities operate very differently. They don’t relate to people as whole, complex humans. They relate through a distorted false self that can only handle extremes. This is where idealisation and devaluation come in. Two sides of the same unhealthy coin.

Idealisation isn’t love
When someone idealises you, it can feel intoxicating at first.
- Love bombing
- Future faking
- Claiming to be soulmates very early on
- Putting you on a pedestal
- Intense attention and fast attachment
- At the same time trying to change who you are

It creates infatuation, not intimacy. You’re not being seen. You’re being projected onto. They’re in love with the version of you that doesn't exist, a version that makes them feel good or in control. And because it’s not real, it can’t last. In the beginning of idealisation, they present a curated version of themselves: attentive, charming, spiritually aligned, they mimick their partner to come off as compatible, emotionally available.
This is not intimacy. It is predatory performance to land their prey.

Devaluation is the crash that follows
When you stop fitting the fantasy by having needs, your individuality emerging, boundaries, opinions, doing the things you love, or simply being human, the same person who idealised you suddenly flips.
- Coldness
- Criticism
- Abuse
- Withdrawal
- Punishment
- Discard
- Silent treatment
"You're lucky I'm even with you!"
"You're getting old and have a high body count, no one will want to be with you"
"Good luck finding someone"
"You're going to be old and alone"

This black‑and‑white thinking (splitting) is common in narcissistic abuse because narcissists perceive people in two categories, perfect and flawed because they lack something called Whole Object Relations which means you’re either “all good” when you’re compliant or “all bad” when you’re not. There’s no middle ground, no nuance, no real relationship.

In a relationship it shows up like this:

1. Perfect= "You are pleasing me right now, even if you are not happy with me, therefore you are the perfect partner."

2. Flawed= "You are doing something that I do not like right now and I do not care about your other good qualities or all the good stuff you've done for me and our relationship. I do not care about your perspective or feelings because you are doing something I don't like or agree with, therefore you are flawed, bad and the worst partner."

The pattern: extreme highs and extreme lows.
This cycle creates emotional whiplash, the extreme highs of idealisation followed by the extreme lows of devaluation. Survivors often mistake this intensity for passion or chemistry, but it’s actually instability. Healthy relationships don’t swing between worship and rejection. They don’t make you feel euphoric one week and worthless the next.

Healthy love doesn’t swing between extremes.
A healthy partner doesn’t need to idealise you to feel close, and they don’t need to devalue you to feel powerful. They can hold the whole picture:
- You’re wonderful in many ways
- You’re imperfect in others
- And you’re still worthy, lovable, and safe to connect with

They don’t pedestal you, and they don’t tear you down. They see you. The real you. And they stay consistent. And they don’t try to change you.
"Your best friend is toxic, move away"
"Your job is stressing you out, you should quit and I'll provide for you"
"Your hobby takes up too much time away from us, quit it"
"Your family are rude, i don't want them over"
Of course, they do all this in gradual ways and say things like "I'm only saying this because I love you and care about you." But really it's to isolate you because you're easier to control when isolated and dependent on them.

If you grew up around chaos or intensity, idealisation can feel like love because it mimics the emotional highs you’re used to. But idealisation is not affection. It’s not safety. It’s not intimacy. It’s the beginning of a cycle designed to control you, abuse you, not connect with you and accept who you are as a person.

Real love is steady.
Real love grows organically.
Real love is grounded.
Real love doesn’t need you to fit perfectly in their box.

Abusers don’t want respect, they want control. And the moment you reclaim your autonomy, they call it “disrespect.” Thi...
25/01/2026

Abusers don’t want respect, they want control.
And the moment you reclaim your autonomy, they call it “disrespect.” This post breaks down the psychology behind it so victims stop blaming themselves and start seeing the pattern for what it is.

When abusers finally show up to couples therapy, usually because their partner is done, threatening divorce, or already leaving, and the therapist asks them what the problem is, they almost always say one word: disrespect. But the moment you ask them to give an actual example, they can’t, because what they call disrespect is usually just their partner being a human being.

And of course, they’re not there to do the work.
They come to control the narrative, shape the therapist’s view, shift blame onto the victim, and avoid any real cooperation, collaboration, or introspection. Therapy becomes another stage for manipulation, not accountability.

Abusers don’t see “disrespect.”
They see any sign of your autonomy as a threat.

This is the part victims struggle to understand, because they’ve been conditioned to believe they’re the problem.

With abusers, “disrespect” can mean:
• you having your own opinion
• you having a boundary
• you having a life outside them
• you laughing too loud
• you being happy without their permission
• you disagreeing
• you being tired
• you having emotions they can’t control
• you not responding fast enough
• you not collapsing into their demands

To an abuser, your individuality is disrespect.
Your autonomy is disrespect.
Your joy is disrespect.
Your “no” is disrespect.
Your silence is disrespect.
Your voice is disrespect.
You being you is disrespect.

Because all of those things mean one thing:
they’re losing control.

And control is the oxygen of abuse.
Take away even a little, and they panic.
They punish.
They twist the narrative.
They call it “your tone,” “your attitude,” “your disrespect,” instead of focusing on their abuse they focus on your "disrespect."

This is why so many victims say things like:
“I need to learn how not to trigger him.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have said it like that.”
“I should’ve watched my tone.”

No.
You weren’t disrespectful.
You were simply a human being, and they couldn’t handle that.

Abusers redefine normal behaviour as disrespect so they can justify their reactions and keep you small. Because a partner with confidence, boundaries, and a sense of self is harder to control.

This isn’t about your tone.
This isn’t about your delivery.
This isn’t about “respect.”

This is about power and control.

And the moment you understand that, the spell breaks.

You can’t build anything healthy with someone who shuts down every time things get real. And you can’t build with someon...
25/01/2026

You can’t build anything healthy with someone who shuts down every time things get real. And you can’t build with someone who blows up the moment they feel uncomfortable.

When there’s no communication, you’re left doing all the emotional heavy lifting. Trying to read their mind. Trying to guess what they need. Trying to keep the peace instead of actually having peace.

And when someone easily jumps from 0 to 100, your body never relaxes. You’re always bracing. Always monitoring their mood. Always trying not to “trigger” them. These relationships don't attain peace, they're psychological warfare.

Healthy relationships aren’t perfect, but they’re steady. Two people talking. Two people apologising after they've messed up. Two people regulating. Two people respecting each other even while disagreeing. Two people showing up instead of shutting down or blowing up.

If someone can’t meet you there, you’re not building a relationship... you’re managing their emotions while yours never get heard or seen. Trust isn’t there in relationships with someone who is emotionally explosive. How could there be when you don't feel safe?

Choose the connections where you can breathe, speak, and be yourself. That’s where real love actually grows and where real trust gets built.

22/01/2026

Healing doesn’t follow your timeline. Accountability isn’t a one‑off apology. If your partner is still triggered, it means the wound needs more safety, more empathy, more repair, not pressure to “move on."

22/01/2026

Time can blur the details, but it never erases the feelings. The nervous system remembers what the mind tries to forget, and it won’t settle until the wound is met with empathy, accountability, and genuine witnessing.

The extent of narcissistic entitlement to do this is next level.
21/01/2026

The extent of narcissistic entitlement to do this is next level.

Most people don’t stay in bad relationships because they’re weak. They stay because being alone feels scarier than bein...
17/01/2026

Most people don’t stay in bad relationships because they’re weak.

They stay because being alone feels scarier than being unhappy.

When you haven’t made peace with your own company, boredom feels like danger.

Silence feels like rejection.

Emptiness feels like failure.

So you reach for anyone who can distract you from yourself, even if they’re wrong for you, even if the relationship drains you more than it fills you.

When your nervous system associates “being alone” with threat, you’ll cling to anything that feels like temporary relief.

That’s how people end up in cycles of settling, tolerating, and calling it “love.”

But... once you heal the part of you that fears being alone, your standards change.

You stop choosing partners out of panic.

You stop confusing intensity with connection.

You stop accepting crumbs because you’re no longer starving.

And something powerful happens... you start attracting people who match your energy, not your wounds.

People who add to your life instead of filling a void.

People who meet you where you are instead of pulling you back into who you used to be.

Because toxic people find healed people unattractive and difficult to manipulate and control.

Do the inner work. Know yourself. Stop escaping yourself.

Make peace with your own presence.

That’s when your relationships finally start to reflect your healing, not your fear.

Humans are wired for connection. In intimate relationships, we carry a deep need to feel emotionally safe and bonded. Th...
17/01/2026

Humans are wired for connection. In intimate relationships, we carry a deep need to feel emotionally safe and bonded. That safety comes when our attachment needs are met, and some of those needs can only be fulfilled within the commitment and sanctuary of marriage.

When your spouse’s relational needs aren’t being met and they try to express it even if it comes out clumsy, emotional, or frustrating try to tune in to the need rather than the tone. If you focus on policing the tone and on the perceived attack, you’ll slip into defensiveness and invalidation, which only widens the emotional distance and creates ruptures between you.

Unmet needs often show up as internal questions like:

- “Am I valuable to you?”
- “Do you appreciate me?”
- “Will you show up for me when it matters?”
- “Can I trust you?”
- “Is it safe to be vulnerable with you when I want intimacy?”
- “Can I show you all parts of me without fear?”
- “Are my emotions too much for you?”

When you listen beneath the words, you’ll hear the emotion. When you listen beneath the emotion, you’ll find the need. That’s where repair begins. Not in the argument, but in the understanding.

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About Me

I have been actively involved in community work for over 15 years focusing on grassroots work in the Muslim community. I am also a co-founder and General Manager of MIA - Markaz Imam Ahmad, a very active Islamic community centre in the heart of Liverpool CBD. My focal work in MIA is the development of youth in the light of Islamic teachings and building them to be productive in our community. MIA also serves as giving the youth a place to belong and feel accepted.

I have a passion for seeking knowledge and have been for many years under some of Sydney’s well known and respected Imams and teachers. I am currently on my 4th year and final semester in completing a Bachelor of Arts in Islamic Studies through the International Open University (IOU).

I am a qualified and insured counsellor and registered with the ACA - Australian Counselling Association. I have a dedicated private practice in Liverpool, NSW and my focus as a counsellor is to help my clients reach their potential and support them to transform personal challenges into life enhancing opportunities. This is achieved by providing a neutral, confidential, non-judgemental safe space, listening to their concerns and customising a therapeutic plan that suits their situation.

I am trained in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy (level 2) and have a passion in working with couples improve their relationship. I blend my methods to tailor for my client’s needs, whether it be one maintenance session you require or an in-depth therapy catered for your needs, marriage is something worth investing in.