On The Couch Counselling

16/02/2026

I've just attended a one hour webinar on 'Grief In The Workplace', facilitated by Grief First Aid. It offered a thoughtful reminder that loss does not stay neatly outside the office door but arrives with people, sits beside them, and often goes unseen.

I thought more about how my own husband had to show up for work carrying his grief over the death of our daughter, and I wondered if much has changed in 22 years. Just how do workplaces respond when grief is present, today? Whilst some environments may hold space with compassion and flexibility, others may often unintentionally, move quickly to restore normality, leaving little room for the human experience that sits underneath performance and productivity. It seems grief is just too uncomfortable.

I also found myself thinking about the increasing reliance on EAP providers as the primary response to employee distress. Access to professional support is invaluable and often essential yet I wonder if, in leaning more heavily on this arm of care, we risk quietly shifting the human responsibility to connect - does having a referral pathway mean we no longer need to sit alongside, acknowledge, or simply check in?

And what do we actually notice about a colleague who is grieving? Do we see their difficulties with concentration, physical ailments, their impaired decision making, becoming withdrawn with general reduced engagement or do we misconstrue this as poor performance? In many cases, these are normal responses to trauma and loss, but when these cues are misunderstood, there is a real risk of missing the opportunity to recognise that someone may be grieving and in need of support rather than scrutiny.

How does your workplace manage when grief touches the lives of its employees? What support is offered, both formally and informally? How are conversations held? What's acknowledged, and what's avoided?

It also raises a more personal question. When you notice a colleague who may be grieving, what is your response? Do you lean in with presence and empathy, or step back out of uncertainty? And if you've experienced grief yourself while working, can you recall what felt helpful, and what did not?

We will all encounter grief at some point in our lives. How we respond, both as organisations and as individuals, can make a lasting difference.

13/02/2026

Here's my latest blog on how love can feel so different on Valentines Day after pregnancy and child loss.

Honouring Grief for Couples and Sole ParentsThis reflection is written primarily for couples who are in relationship together and who may still engage with Valentines Day in its traditional sense. At the same time, it is important to name that sole parents, and those grieving without a partner along...

02/02/2026

Being in love as well as in life.

When I was a kid in High School (UK), one of my favourite Teachers, Mr Leonard, who taught history, told us once (for some strange reason not historically related - unless we were discussing King Henry VIII?!) that he not only ‘loved’ his wife, but he also ‘liked’ her. At the time I thought this was interesting, and he explained about being ‘friends’ with his wife over the course of their relationship.

Today, in my work with couples, I often meet people who deeply care about one another, and who yet have quietly lost touch with the basics of who their partner is now versus how they remember them from when their relationship began.

Over time, life 'happens'. Grief, loss, trauma, infidelity, parenthood, work pressures, life transitions and survival mode can all pull couples away from curiosity in each other and toward assumption about what they think they know. Many couples realise they know the logistics of each other’s lives, but not the 'inner world'.

One of the most engaging and hopeful parts of my work is introducing couples to the idea of rebuilding their “love maps”. This concept by Drs John and Julie Gottman, is about gently relearning your partner’s internal landscape - their stresses, hopes, values, fears, joys and changes - without blame or urgency and
my clients are often surprised by how exciting and connecting this process feels, and how relieving it is to know that you’re reconnecting to your partner by talking about them not just about the day-to-day stresses of being in life together. 'Love-mapping' can bring a sense of friendship back into the relationship. Not fixing. Not analysing. Just knowing and being known again by your person.

Connection is rarely lost all at once, but it can gradually erode. It can be rebuilt, thoughtfully, purposefully with care and curiosity.

If this resonates with you, and you’d like to learn more please email me on hello@onthecouchcounselling.com.au

Darrell

Ever served tomato juice for dinner thinking it was your partner’s favorite? Yeah, us neither. But knowing what really matters to your loved one? That’s wher...

27/01/2026

https://www.onthecouchcounselling.com.au/post/stepping-into-the-year-in-your-own-time

This blog is a little late. And honestly, that still feels right.Each January arrives with a familiar cultural rhythm. Conversations fill with words chosen to carry the year ahead with focus, intention, growth, softness, courage, alignment. For some, choosing a word for the year feels steadying or h...

21/12/2025

https://www.onthecouchcounselling.com.au/post/when-christmas-feels-joyful-again-and-why-that-s-ok

Why it’s ok to feel Joy at ChristmasFor many people who live alongside the death of someone they love, there’s an unspoken rule that grief should hurt - especially at Christmas - like there’s an expectation that grief should be front and centre of your life, forever. But…over time…somethin...

06/12/2025

✨ The Tinsel Tango: Rituals of Connection to Strengthen Your Relationship This Christmas ✨

As Christmas approaches, so many of us are juggling a lot.

Kids are off school. Extra expenses. Changes to routine. Family pressure. Travel. Loneliness. Missing people who aren’t here anymore. Worrying about the year ahead.

In all that noise, our relationships can unintentionally slide into the background.

This is where rituals of connection come in — based on a research based concept from Drs. John & Julie Gottman (I’m trained in The Gottman Relationship Method to Level 2), and something I support couples to build in a way that actually fits real life.

Rituals of connection are the small, predictable moments that help you stay close and steady with each other. And interestingly… we already do this at Christmas without thinking about it:

🎄 Decorating the tree
🕯️ Lighting candles
🛍️ Filling stockings
🍽️ Cooking the same special meal
🎁 Opening one present on Christmas Eve
🤍 Attending a church service or cultural tradition
🎞️ Watching the same movie every year

These rituals work because they’re shared, meaningful, and predictable — they anchor us.

Your relationship needs the same thing, especially during stressful seasons.

So here are some examples of simple rituals you can create together:

❤️ A good morning or goodnight moment
☕ Five minutes to check in over coffee
🚶 A short walk once a week
🤝 A weekly planning chat to manage the holiday chaos
🕯️ Lighting a candle for loved ones who aren’t here
🎄 A quiet “just us” moment before the family whirlwind begins

Small things. Intentional things. Things that say:
“We matter. Even right now.”

Rituals of connection build trust, resilience, shared meaning, and the feeling that “we’re in this together” - the foundations that hold relationships steady through the often messy, emotional, beautiful parts of life.

If the holidays feel overwhelming… or tender… or a bit complicated this year, you’re not alone.
And if you’d like support in strengthening these rituals (or building new ones), I’m here.

Darrell 💛

25/11/2025

https://www.onthecouchcounselling.com.au/post/crying-grief-and-the-healing-we-don-t-talk-about

What especially resonates with me about griefis the part about crying. You know, those moments when tears just appear, and your first instinct - or maybe someone else’s - is to hand over a tissue. We do it because we care, right? But sometimes what we’re really saying, without even meaning to, i...

24/11/2025

THE TERRIBLE MATHS OF GRIEF

No one tells you that after someone you love dies, you start doing maths you never wanted to learn.

You count everything.
Minutes since you last held them.
Days since the world changed.
Years that keep pulling you further away from the last moment they were alive.

And then there are the milestones - the ones that land like quiet explosions.
First day of kindy.
Graduations.
Driving lessons.
All the things their peers get to do…
the things your child should have been doing alongside them.

It’s remarkable (and heartbreaking) to realise that a whole school cohort goes through life never knowing they’re missing a friend they never got to meet.

But you know.
Every part of you knows.
This is the terrible maths of grief - counting time, counting milestones, counting the love that still has nowhere to go.
And somehow, even in the ache, it’s also how we honour them.

If this maths feels heavy right now and you’d like gentler ground to land on, I’m here.
Reach out whenever you’re ready—no pressure, no rush, just support.
Darrell.

hello@onthecouchcounselling.com.au
hello@pregnancylosscounselling.com.au

23/11/2025

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about hindsight bias - how ‘easy’ it is to look back on my story now, with 21 years of healing behind me, and make it sound clearer or more “figured out” than it ever was in the beginning.

The truth is: I only have this perspective because I’ve had more than two decades to learn, unravel, break, rebuild, and grow after stillbirth and two miscarriages.

Someone grieving today doesn’t have that yet - and that matters.

Back then, I didn’t feel strong or wise or regulated.
I felt broken. Terrified. Confused. Like I was falling through a bottomless, black hole.

My body felt like it betrayed me. It was my enemy.
My mind was loud and frantic. My relationships were stretched thin.

I felt so alone.

I didn’t understand myself the way I do now.

What I’ve learned over time is that my body wasn’t the enemy - it was holding more than I could process.

My mind wasn’t faulty - it was trying to make sense of the senseless.

My relationships weren’t failing - they were adjusting around a version of me that had to be there because of death, and none of us had met this version of me before.

Healing didn’t come from “moving on.” It came from continuing to live, slowly, gently, molecule by molecule, layer by layer.

I share this because if you’re grieving now - if your loss is fresh, raw, or feels impossible - please don’t compare your today with my 21-year later.

You’re not meant to have perspective yet. You’re meant to be exactly where you are.

Be kind to the version of you who is surviving today.
She’s doing the hardest part. She’s working really hard at just being able to breathe.

And if you ever need support or a steady place to land, I’m here.

21/11/2025

I became a counsellor because I know how healing it is to be truly seen and held.

My own experience with stress and trauma showed me the power of compassion, and I’m here to walk alongside you through grief, stress, anxiety, and life’s challenges - helping you connect with both your mind and body to find steadier footing.

Please visit my website for more information on my full range of services.