12/03/2026
5 years ago today - my body... my soul, chose not to die.
It chose to live...to stay.
5 years to this day, since I awaited to be rolled into emergency life saving surgery to awaken 12 hours later to a diagnosis that would forever change my life.
I may not of died - but many aspects of me did, and still are.
Its impossible not to reflect as this time has approached.
Laying next to Ryder this morning, remembering his face this moment 5 years ago - so little, 3 years old, watching his face turn to fear, looking at me grey, lifeless, weak and tubes coming out of everywhere.
Me telling him its going to be ok; they are helping mummy feel better. Then hugging him and saying goodbye, that I love him and that i will see him soon...as they wheeled me away for surgery.
Holding it together just long enough to not break down in front of him.
Hoping with every bit of me, that I would get to see my precious boy again. That I would be ok.
And here we both are, 5 years later, him sleeping next to me(kicking the s**t out of me 🤪) my 8 year old and me ❤️
So many emotions come up with a milestone such as this .
But what I find myself reflecting on most - is death.
On what needed to die in order for me to truly live.
In 5 -6 years iv gone from suffering in a long term abusive relationship, finding out said relationship was living a double life and had a whole nother family and child, having my home broken into - every belonging smashed or stolen, having no where to live, having to live with my parents, not a cent to my name, family court proceedings, police ordered protection orders, solo parenting, breakdown, exhaustion, and ultimately full calapse resulting in me nearly dying, needing emergency surgery, awakening to a colostomy and a cancer diagnosis to defying the odds given to me, not accepting the narrative given, healing my body to NED, building back my health and strength, reversing a colostomy I was told may never be, finally removing myself completely from the entanglement of a 15 year abusive relationship, healing emotionally, moving into my own home, living in a place people go to holiday.
Building a thriving business from nothing, starting a podcast, expanding and building a further 2 businesses, scaling my business so I no longer need to be in there every day, having the freedom to be with my son every day, going on holidays, buying my own very first car with my own money, being able to send my son to a private alternative school and acquiring my first Million dollars - 1.2 million to be exact🤪 - away from the operations of my businesses
But to do this - parts of me did have to die.
Was it easy in the beginning. . Heck no. . . Is it easy now - no... sometimes its really freaking hard.
But actually facing real physical death has a way of making the others feel like happy sacrifice.
I was dying under the burden of identity.
My beliefs, my stories, slowly killing me.
Yes, they all served a purpose at one point, but they could not go where I was now going
The victim - she had to die
The martyr - she had to die
The sacrificial one - she had to die
The strong one - she had to die
The saviour - she had to die
The perfect one- she had to die
The hurt one- she had to die
The one who is not good enough- she had to die
The one who is not lovable - she had to die
The one who is broken - she had to die
The one who isnt capable- she had to die
The limited one - she had to die
The endurer - she had to die
The list goes on and on.....
5 years is both short and long.
Alot can happen- but also alot can stay the same.
Dont wait for the threat of physical death or calapse to make change.
Iv made decisions most wouldnt.
Taken risks others would run from
Confronted aspects of myself most allude themselves of
Moved from a place most dont understand.
I have seen more miracles in the last 5 years than I can count.
Things that defy logic. Things that cannot be explained.
You are powerful beyond belief.
I have created housing from nowhere, connections from no where, financially abundance from no where.
Iv built businesses from ideas. Peace from choas.
And now - i have clients coming to me from no where - asking me to mentor, coach and share what I have done to transform my life so drastically- be it health, relationships, self, business.
Now getting to watch others transform their realities just like I have.
So as I sit here reflecting on how I didnt die - I realise and recognise how much of me did - but that none of those where really me.
And that the bits that were killing me - where the bits that needed to die.
What needs to die - so that you can truly live?
