05/11/2023
My proposal to you...
For the longest time, my relationship with my body swung more towards misses than hits. I’ll spare you the descent down the rabbit hole of my body image history, but, as with many of us, it started in childhood. Growing up in an ethnic culture, body comments were the norm—cast without a filter.
"Hi, how are you? Oh, you’ve put on some weight!” was a typical greeting after a period of absence. Looking back, I realise these remarks weren’t meant with malice. In my culture, a bit of extra weight is a sign of fertility and often seen as positive, especially for women. But here was my dilemma: living in the West, the beauty standards glorified leanness, even skinniness.
And so, I started doing what most of us would do —I started manipulating my diet and exercise. From the age of 21, I have tried what feels like every diet and exercise program out there, all with the aim of becoming ‘skinny.’ Making this my ‘dream outcome’ was problematic in several ways. Firstly, I never pinned down what ‘skinny’ meant for me, let alone working out why it dominated my thoughts. For this reason, no amount of weight loss was enough.
To add insult to injury, as an all-in type of person, my dieting was intense. Consuming less than 1000 calories a day and following an extremely low-fat diet led to hormonal imbalances and the loss of my menstrual cycle for two years. Despite the energy dips, the inability to focus (I was completing my master’s at the time), and a non-existent social life, it still wasn’t enough. I still wasn’t enough. To give you an idea of how distorted my self-perception was then, I had a visible six-pack and weighed around 57kg.
The end to this destructive cycle came with a move overseas, which turned my carefully designed routine on its head. I no longer had access to the sugar free substitutes I used as a means of curbing my sweet tooth. Nor did I have access to alternative low carb and low fat ‘foods’ options that made up the bulk of my meals. Not knowing how to safely re-introduce calories and food groups into my system, I experienced a sizeable rebound in weight. To top it off, I developed severe acne, distressing digestive issues, and my mental health was shot to hell. Of course, it wasn’t just me who suffered, it was anyone close to me, as well. So, at 24, my unavoidable journey to recovery began.
Fast forward to the present: I’m now at peace with my body about 90% of the time. The scale has lost its power over me. I eat (mostly) without guilt and have let go of the compulsion to 'work off' any indulgences by taking myself to the gym. This peace hasn’t come without effort, and 10% of the time, body image issues, dysregulated thinking, and guilt after overindulgence rear their icky heads. But I am not who I was at 21 or at 24.
Thirteen years spent learning how to manage my wellbeing have armed me with lessons and tools that have helped me get to this point. From nutrition and fitness to mindset strategies, building and breaking habits, leaning into self-compassion, psychological frameworks (I earned a degree in psychology), and physiological principles (and in Biomedical Science).
But why am I telling you all this? Honestly, I never thought I’d have the courage to because of how deeply vulnerable talking about these experiences makes me feel. Let alone posting about them on the internet!
However, my thinking has changed; so, have I. Through this blog series, my intention is to share experiences, distil what I have learned, and describe some tools that have been helpful to me and that might, I hope, save someone from the arduous 13-year trek I had to endure.
I invite you to stay tuned, grow with me, and let's navigate this path of self-acceptance and wellness together.
