05/04/2021
It was a grotty motel room and it doesn’t matter how I ended up there but I called my mum. I was 40kg, battered, bruised and broken, physically, emotionally and spiritually. The shock and grief I saw in mum eyes as she looked into mine, pushed me further into shame in that moment. All she asked of me was to talk to a woman called Jane from HABZ. In that moment I simply thought, there was no point, I had spoken to so many people. Mum had phoned every agency and support line possible. But it was too late for me to do another runner, Jane was walking towards me and asked if she could hug me, no judgment, just love. We sat for hours in the run down old room and so much spewed out of mouth and into the ears of a complete stranger. Jane didn’t hold back or want basic answers. She pushed me to release more than I wanted to share, reality pouring from my mouth - but we connected and I knew I just had to trust. Within a week I would be heading to Tabor House for detox but not without another incident. I called Jane from the police station. I was released on bail because Jane was able to advocate for me and had me bailed home, a place I had not been for so long. My anxiety was through the roof, my sleeping patterns irregular but Jane believes in harm reduction with a plan in place. There was no ice, GHB, but I used w**d in that week before she took me to detox. I’m so grateful mum went with Jane’s plan knowing I would have ran if I could not use something to numb myself. To keep me safe and at home, mum even drove me to the dealers to get w**d and allowed me to smoke outside. Mum was different this time, she didn’t listen to everyone telling her to cut me off, instead she was willing to try this new approach - staying connected and working with me where I was at.
I left detox feeling okay but it was so weird when my feelings started to come back. I didn’t know who I was. I found it hard to sit with myself. After 10 day detox the next challenge was to stay clean so I could appear before a Magistrate with Jane, who put our plan forward and the Magistrate agreed to vary my bail and allow me to travel interstate to Transformations facility for 12 months. I had in my distorted mind 3 months would be long enough but agreed to 12 months. Jane signed an undertaking to support my travel and entry into the facility. Up, up and away we went on 29 December 2019 to a place I had never heard of.
Jane was all over things and took me straight to the police station for reporting purposes and showed me where I would become familiar face to local police as per bail conditions. Here I was 19 heading into unfamiliar territory to a house full of girls I didn’t know. I didn’t like girls. All I knew were unhealthy relationships with males.
Interstate and away from all I had ever known, I cried and demanded to come home every few days, but Jane was patient, validating and motivated me to stay. Jane told me over and over that she sees what I can’t - I had no idea what this meant. This was the hardest 2 months of my life, but then routine, structure and rules things started to become easier. I started to accept things and was able to really see inside myself. I had such a hard heart. My hard heart was my protector it kept me safe. My behaviours we’re constantly challenged. I was so defensive but then I started saying thank you for the challenging comments and consequences as it gave me guidance and areas to work on. One rule was no swearing .. hahaha... I thought that would never be possible, but with the consequences for my language I soon realised I had stopped. Wow.... I could see change. I phoned Jane iseveral times about injustices I had felt, but soon was reminded of my own injustices to others. I had to go back to court in October (via videolink from rehab) where the Magistrate was impressed with my commitment to 10 months, however he ordered I must stay and finish the program. I was furious as I agreed to 12 months but The Magistrate ordered me to graduate and how grateful I am now as so much growth happened in the 12 to 15 month period - on Sunday, 28 March 2021, I graduated from Transformations after 15 months intensive program. My mum, my solid rock, and Jane were there to witness the first time I have ever completed something, something I intend to maintain with my studies in community services, two part time jobs and giving back to new females who walk through the doors of this program. My mum, Jane and, of course my amazing lawyer, Menoz Bowler, have been with me at my worst and now see me at my best. Even the Magistrate was blown away with my rehabilitation and commended my efforts for such a young person. Now I know what Jane saw in me because I can now see it for myself.
