11/05/2024
Not all days will you be the parent your PDA kid needs, because it’s simply not possible to be someone else’s everything in terms of support and regulation all of the time, without loosing some or all of yourself depending on your own neurodivergence, trauma and/or regulation.
This picture is about two years old and at the time I couldn’t see the funny side, which is what my son intended. I put the I love you sticker on and he put the dead eye crosses on in response.
I just felt gutted that he wanted me dead, Crossed out. I had been working so hard to rebuild with him, because nearly everyday he told me he wanted his dad and I to divorce so he could live with him.
I felt like a failure which is a big trigger for my rage. And then my shame at the rage followed. I spiralled for days. He felt this as PDA’rs are so receptive to others moods but didn’t know why. This could not of made his feel safe or loved.
In the moment I couldn’t connect in and see my desperation to be loved by him was a massive demand for my PDA’r.
In order to save our relationship I had to find ways to love myself in every moment no matter how broken, dysregulated or unlovable I may have felt in moments.
That love had to become unshakable, for him to feel truly loved and accepted as well.
In the big moments now (where I am regulated enough to) I ask myself if I am making a fear based or love based decision?
And that is how I rebuilt things with my kid. By choosing love for both of us. And I did it with the help of the book in the second picture. Radical self love and rebellion from the old narratives I’ve lived by continues to grow.
Sending you all much love in whatever way you need today on this Mother’s Day 2024.